Seeking my true calling.

Hello, dear readers! Before I even start, let me say that this post will be personal not educational, however I will try not to whine and put myself in a role of a victim. It’s been a week since I returned from the summer guitar camp in which I spent most of my time not playing the guitar but drinking coffee, writing and sleeping instead. I guess, that period in my life was when I experienced serious change in my mindset. Say what you want but I realized that I will never become a professional musican and I was kind of alright with that. Sitting in class with my instrument for at least 6 hours and totally lacking social life never seemed appealing to me, even more – I found it rather sad. My friends were always more like a family, they supported me the most and I simply could not imagine my life without them. Also, for me there is no point in spending hours playing because I see no goal at all. Do I want to be like every other classical guitarist from Baltic states or Russia? No. Do I want to teach children? No. Is playing on stage is my dream? No. I used to think that being a musican is my true calling but now I am almost 100% sure that it is not. I am pretty sure that you would like to stop me here and say: “I think you are making decisions way too quickly. You have bad periods of time in every profession.” Okay. I will agree with you for now. However, if a person is truly passionate about something, doesn’t it keep him up at night? Does this person even thinks about looking at the clock because a lot of time has passed? Is this person too distracted because he’s not seeing a result for a long time to keep doing something? I am pretty sure that the answer to all of these questions is no. When you are truly passionate about something, you do not care that there is no result yet, you do not care, how much time it takes to improve your skills and you can not live long periods of time without doing what you love. So, with that being said, I am not sure I will feel passionate about music ever again and I am almost completely sure that writing is my calling.

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I do not care, if good story idea keeps me up until 5 a.m. I do not care that I am not professional yet. I do not care that finishing one chapter might take me up to 2 hours and that I will have to edit it before this part looks the way I want it to look. Even more – I will not give up when I catch the famous disease, called writer’s block again because I have a goal to become successful, published writer and I will find a way to get there. I love both – the good and the bad times because the flame of passion is burning somewhere inside of me and my head is always full of different ideas. I have so much going in my mind that I can not wait to tell it to the world through writing and I feel like my head will explode, if I do not tell what’s on my mind at least 2 times a week. I know it wil be hard, I know I will probably have a lot of useless drafts and rejection letter but I will get there. Why? Because I want to not someone else wants me to. I am sick of following other people’s expectations and ignoring my dreams. Doing what everyone else expects from me will not make me happy. It is my life not theirs. Mine. I have only one life and it is time to stop wasting in and letting parents and teachers to dirrect it. I will get where I want to be, just watch me.

If you are reading this and feel trapped because someone is expecting certain behaviour – stop! It is better to take a risk and fail than never take it in the first place. Yes, you will fail but that is part of the process. You have to fall before you fly, so I dare you to jump. Now.

Wishing you all the best, Porcelain Doll.

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