Hello, my dear readers! I have mentioned before in this blog that I am battling depression. What I did not mention before is the fact that I also have a panic disorder. What does that mean, you may ask? Having a panic disorder means experiencing sudden panic attacks, sometimes in stressful situations, sometimes at random moments for no apparent reason at all. In those moments symptoms like nausea, shortness of breath, light-headedness, shaking and derealization or depersonalization may be experienced. Personally I can go without panic attacks for weeks, even months and then suddenly have one again. I do not remember having them under the age of sixteen. When I finished elementary school and moved to another city, that is when I probably had my first panic attack. It happened in a Latvian lesson. I was called up to the blackboard to write down a simple sentence and analyze it. What could I be worried about? I was always good at languages and my native language was no exception. As soon as I walked up to the blackboard, my head started spinning, my heart was going way too fast and I was catching my breath, barely even reading the sentence. At that moment everything felt so unreal, yet I knew that everyone was watching me and I could not help but wonder – is it visible to them that I am having a panic attack in front of the whole class? How embarrassing! I just wanted to run away and hide until it is over.
After the first attack I experienced several more in next few years. Symptoms were the same but situations sometimes changed. I had a panic attack while reciting a poem in front of a class, I had it in my guitar lesson when I did not feel physically good and was worried that my teacher would get mad at me for not trying hard enough. Also, panic attacks occurred in such simple every day cases like ordering food at the restaurant while being abroad or visiting a local bank to get a new credit card.
I wish I could just get rid of the panic disorder but I does not happen like that. I can only have good days and bad days. Sadly, I never know which one this will be. I guess, I just have to accept the fact that I am one of the people, who experience this. There is not much I can do about it, except for taking pills but I am so done with all the medication that is used for treating mental disorders. I do not want to go into the same apathetic state where I did not want to do anything at all because I just did not feel anything or care about anything. I will rather have annoying mood swings than never-ending apathy. Living with any kind of mental disorder is not easy at all. I guess, the first thing I have to do is fully accept that I have it and it might interfere with some of my every day activities. It is okay, things like that happen. I am definitely not the only one, dealing with this.
In case you are battling depression, anxiety, panic disorder or any different kind of mental disorder, do not hesitate to message me. I will try to support you the best way I can because feeling of helplessness is not new to me. We will try to live this life the best way we can. Having a mental illness does not mean you have to spend all day locked in your house and watch as the life passes by.
Love, Porcelain Doll.