You’re probably wondering, why I haven’t posted in a while. I didn’t feel like it. I didn’t feel like it for a day, a week, a month… Because when a person is depressed, there’s nothing he/she wants to do. In some days I don’t feel like I even want to go to the store and it doesn’t matter than I have almost no food left in my house. Some days I even barely get out of bed and when I do, it’s just to grab my computer and make some tea. And there are more things than just depression ruining my life.
I have some kind of sleeping disorder. It gets harder and harder to fall asleep in time and wake up in time in the morning. When I finally fall asleep, about 75% of nights I have nightmares, very visual and violent ones where I or someone else gets hurt really badly (get burns, get beaten up etc) or where I witness a murder in details. Once in my dream I got to know that a child was killed and had a weird feeling of guilt that I might be the one, who killed this child but I don’t remember most of it. So this is the thing – my sleep schedule is fucked up and my dreams are even more fucked up. It has gotten so bad that I have trouble getting in time to school and when I do, most of the days I have problems properly functioning. I feel sleepy or just “out of the zone” and don’t understand most of the things.
Depression has taken away all my motivation and self-esteem. I don’t feel like doing a lot of things. I don’t feel like working out and eating. When I eat, I mentally beat myself up about it because my inner me is a mean bitch, telling me I should eat less because I don’t get enough phisical activity and I will become fat, just like my mother.
I used to play the guitar and actually enjoy it but now I don’t. In fact, I already hate it. It feels like I’m playing just to please someone. I can’t even express myself in music anymore. My teachers are pointing at every single detail, every single note and telling me, how to play it and I need to do as they say, there is no other way. I was always a person, who hated any creative supression that made me feel like I’m not myself anymore. The shitty thing is – I can’t get out of this at the moment. I can’t leave school because I have 1 year and 3 months left. I can’t change the teacher without scandal because I have already changed him once this year. And I can’t talk to any of my two guitar teachers because one will just stop me halfway when I haven’t said everything, misunderstand me and then make a conflict out of nowhere but the other one will just say that it is all my fault and I should get my shit together. Like it’s not already hard enough! I’m struggling to even take my instrument out of it’s case and you dare to say that it’s all my fault. Oh well… It’s always my fault, isn’t it? I already feel like every relationship that didn’t work out, every bad arguement with someone, everything is my fault. I already feel like shit and you tell me that it’s my fault. I open my heart, try to talk with you honestly that I have a problem and you just say, you can’t help me, it’s all my fault. Go ahead, spit in my soul once again, if you’re so good at doing that…
At this point in my life, I just want to leave it all behind: my parents, who never listen to me, my teacher, who never supports me and used to laugh when I said I have a depression and my career choice because musican is not who I want to be. I just want to be loved by my parents for who I am, supported by my teacher during hard times and become who I want to be. I want to become an author – a successful one. I want to feel happy being myself not live all my life fitting someone else’s standards about me. I’m so jealous of people whose parents support them and love unconditionally because I have never felt this love and support. What makes me less valuable than every one else? Don’t I deserve to be loved, supported and to make my own choices? What have I done wrong that my parents like to manipulate with me, judge me and change me? And if only my teacher knew, how hurtful it was when he laughed at me after I said I have a depression. He thought it’s impossible to be depressed in such young age and that I have everything I could want in my life. You know, depression doesn’t care about gender, age or anything else. It just appears and doesn’t go away. Living with it is like walking down the street with a huge, heavy rock on my shoulders. I have to carry it wherever I go and do the same things that people, who don’t have it, do.
At this point, I just don’t know, how to solve my problems. I just want to get high school certificate, get a job to become financially stable and never talk to my parents again. I’m so done with my old scars being ripped open again. I’m doing my best to heal but this world just won’t let me.
xoxo, Porcelain Doll.