I never want to be like her.

I was never close with my mum. In primary school I saw no meaning in Mother’s day crafts, gifts and cards. Who cares about that anyway? Today she’ll smile and say, how great it is but week later it wil be forgotten in some drawer. When I got older and started to use computer, posts who said “repost if you love your mother” , “my mother is my everything” confused me. Sure, I didn’t hate her but it didn’t really feel like I loved her. Sometimes she was okay…. but sometimes she crashed my heart in little pieces with words and lowered my self-esteem even more. Years went and she became everything I never wanted to be.

I don’t want to be obese like her and I’m carefuly looking after my body, and working out just to look amazing. I read a lot and want to be open-minded, not stagnatic like she is. My mother doesn’t support LGBT community. She has no idea I belong there. I’m bisexual and I see nothing wrong with liking girls AND boys. I have had sex before marriage with the guy I loved. I see nothing wrong with that but if my mother would know, she would judge me for sure. Mum, I’m not a slut, I’m just proud to be a sexual being and I don’t regret having my first time with my first love, it was an incredible experience. I don’t want to be a musican, I want to be a writer. I’m sick and tired of always doing what I’m told; it does no good to me. Everyone’s happy but whenever I’m playing the guitar, it feels like a duty and I slowly start hating it. I don’t want to be one of those people, stuck with a job they don’t love. Don’t get me wrong – music is great but being a musican means having a lot restrictions and rules. Right now I feel like a puppet and I can’t get out of this situation. I want to be myself, I really do but I’m sick of being judged for it. 

I’m sick of being judged by the person that should be the closest to me – my mother. Living alone I feel inspired, free and happy but spending time with her and dad I feel tired, helpless and tallentless. I don’t want to hear again, how changing career path will ruin my life and I will throw away my tallent. I don’t want to hear, how my friends influence me badly; they’re way closer to me than my parents will ever be. I don’t want to hear that I’m too skinny just because I eat less and workout. I don’t want to hear that I’m acting like a psycho and “it was just a joke” after I have said many times that I hate those kind of jokes. I’m sick, so sick of you treating me like shit. I wish you would leave me alone and let me be myself without constantly worrying that there might be something wrong with me because you constantly doubted me.

giphy

Thanks a lot, mum, for lowering my self-esteem, never supporting my dreams and making me feel like I’m mentally insane. Thanks a lot. The worst thing is that I believed in every word you said just because you’re my mum.

 

Porcelain Doll.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s