Ten years ago I was that little girl, who wanted to ask to older people: “How do you know you really love someone?” But now I’m not her anymore, I know it myself. All this time I thought that when you realize you truly love someone, it’s beautiful and this person loves you back. It’s a myth. Sometimes love is an ugly mess, you look to the world and it’s almost like you’ve gone colour blind. It’s all black, white and grey, and nothing really matters without this person. No, this time I do not mean emotional addiction to someone. I don’t need to be valued by him every day, I just need to feel him near. He was all the good I could imagine in one person. A little cheeky, careless, yes, but he was good. The angelic type of boy – not so much in his behaviour but mostly in his attitude towards me.That’s what I loved and what I miss the most because no other guy treated me this way. He made me felt safe, comfortable and like myself. And now I’m out in big, crazy world all alone. There’s no one, who would give such good advice, understand my fears and calm me down like he could. This must be love, mustn’t it? With no sexual contact whatsoever I feel attached to him an I just can’t help it.
Just to make this picture clearer, I will show devilish kind of boy. He seems like a good, just scared and broken person at first. He had bad times in his life and they made him the person he is now. I thought he was fragile, so I respected him and did everything not to hurt him. You know what happened? He hurt me. From this nice person, who could heal the scars in my soul, he turned to disrespectful guy, who cut even more scars in it. Everything I said or believed in was ridiculous, funny or wrong, everything that went wrong in our friendship/relationship (?) was my fault and his. That’s how I realized he’s the devil. Even though we had good moments in this not defined kind of relationship, it was mainly shit. He was arrogant jerk and I was humble. I thought that most of the times he was right about everything, not me. I did everything for him to love and respect me but it wasn’t enough for him. So I cut him out of my life because if you don’t like something in a relationship and you can’t talk it out, it’s not worth it. This person doesn’t care about your feelings and wants to keep treating you like shit. He breaks you piece by piece and you lose yourself because you think it’s all for the sake of love. It isn’t. You are just broken and want to be loved but he won’t love you. Someone will but he isn’t that someone. Pack your bags and walk away, so you can heal the scars he cut into your soul.
Now that I explained about two types of guys I had to deal with, I can tell you about the situation today. I’m over the devil, the guy, who hurt me and made me feel like a worthless freak.If he won’t change himself, I hope we will never meet again. But I’m not over the angel. Maybe my view to him is distorted but he’s the best thing that happened to me. He filled my life with so much happiness back then, I will never be able to fully thank him. (Or thank him at all because he avoids my phone calls and texts.) And I was never more happy until November 18th . I really believed his words and I thought it will finally happen the way I dreamed of it since I first met him. I hoped I will be able to hold his hand in mine, kiss his warm lips, fall asleep in his arms, go for a walk with him late at night, dance to our favourite songs and laugh while watching silly comedies. Most of that didn’t happen, not even his promised kiss. And I don’t get it, I just don’t get, how you can have such nice phone conversation with someone, who just told you she wants to be more than friends with you, you lie to her about giving a chance and then just leave her. Not a word, no explanation at all, just leave and ignore forever, leaving her heart on the ground. And keep living, like none of those conversations happened, like you never knew her. All I want to ask to you is just: “Was it easy? To leave me hanging like this? To break my heart when I always wished all the best for you?” After three months of not sending a message or calling him (except one text message, sending him: “Hey. Happy birthday…”), the way I feel still hasn’t changed. I still try to figure out what went wrong even it’s no use, I still cry at nights and days, thinking about how beautifully started the relationship I always dreamed of. Maybe it’s pathetic but I can’t help myself. I just can’t do other things and forget every moment he made me smile, I just can’t fall in love with someone else when he’s forever in my heart. That’s the worst part – not being able to keep living like I used to. Thinking about him whenever one of his favourite songs starts playing, whenever I walk down the street we walked that night, whenever I see a movie that makes me cry, I remember about him. What I hate the most is that I don’t hate him, not even a little bit. Instead of that I love him with all that I have and, no matter how logical or human like it would be to wish to him all the worst, I don’t wish him that. Maybe it doesn’t matter, if he is still in my life or not, I can still truly love him and I do. Not that he’ll ever know but now I know and I have finally admitted that to myself. Maybe one day this heartache will be over and I will be able to live without him like managed to live without me.
xoxo, Porcelain Doll.