All I want is to feel alive. But I only feel dead inside. Great emotions, love, adventures – it makes people feel alive. But routine, disappointments, close people deaths, bullying and lack of respect and love from those, who you thought were your friends, makes you feel dead inside. I’m different, I know. I don’t talk much because I dislike or even hate most people. I hate those, who are evil, disrespectful and dumb. I still have no idea, what have I done to deserve this kind of attitude. It doesn’t matter if it is romantic relationship or just friendship, I give myself all to this person. I’m ready to overswim an ocean, walk on hot … if he/she needs me. But honestly, I’ve never ever met a person, who would do the same for me and that’s the reason I’m giving up on my “friends”. They ain’t worth shit, if they don’t ask me during the day, how I feel, give full attention to me and only talk about themselves. Everytime someone starts talking non stop about themselves, I bitterly think: “It’s all about you, isn’t it? It’s you that matter not me. I have to understand you and support you but the day I will get support from you, will never come.”
I’m pretty sure I’m about five times more emotional than most people. Even little things life ignored text messages when I need them, laughing about my beliefs, not asking, how I feel, not listening to me, hurt. It really does. When life gets hard, 98% of the time I have to deal with it by myself. There is not a single person, who I could talk to, so I just cry my eyes out when no one sees and try to sleep the sadness away. Most of the time I hate to leave my house to be with people. I’m tired of the noise they make, I’m tired of them being heartless, vengeful and envious. I’m not like them and I will never be. I will always feel more intense, wish all the best for those I care. Sadly there’s a tragic part too – it ruins me. Being good to people ruins me because they rarely appreciate it and do something good to me. When serious friendships and relationships end, I’m always the one, licking my scars and the other person just leaves like nothing ever happened. Because I’m just an empty place to most people. And then they wonder, why I don’t talk and don’t want to hang out.
I’m don’t want to be hurt and dead inside. I’ll rather sit alone at home with cup of hot tea, some tasty food and paint, write in my blog or watch some great movie. Sue me but people don’t matter to me as much as things I can do. My goal doesn’t include having friends or being in a relationship anymore. It includes being great at music, creating as much and as creative as possible artworks and trying new, breathtaking (probably extreme) things. I’m not a damn slave to anyone. If someone doesn’t appreciate my friendship, I will leave and not apologize for it. If someone really wants me in his/her life, this person has to try harder. Here’s the life lesson people – you don’t have to keep putting effort in a relationship when other person doesn’t do it as much or doesn’t do it at all. They can go fuck themselves. They don’t deserve you and you shouldn’t apologize or worry, how they are now without you. It’s their loss. Somethimes it’s really better to be alone, so you can properly heal yourself and keep living.
P.s. I needed to share this song to you. It’s perfect. ❤
xoxo, Porcelain Doll.