“Well, I thought you were a good girl.” Our literature teacher says with a smirk, commenting my essay about my thoughts of French literature. And it’s all because I admitted that Charles Baudelaire view is somehow right. Life isn’t life without sins, pain and secret pleasures. Really – what would be the point of living, if everyone would love us, we would get anything we want and never do things wrong? All the bad things in life are like sandpapers, who grind a jewel – a person.. When you do everything right, you don’t learn. Besides – to do everything right every time is against human nature. It’s not possible. We are not robots. Sooner or later we will behave badly. Someone more, someone less but we all do that. To be honest, I don’t understand, why christianity is so much against every single sin. Mistakes are lessons and they usually make us smarter and wiser. (No, I don’t justify murder.)
Now, about being a good girl… I am not one. I am not a saint at all and not as good as I might look. Yes, I don’t talk a lot but when I do, it’s something meaningful most of the times. That makes everyone think I am a good girl. But good girls believe in God and don’t sin, they never in their lives tried to smoke or drink alcohol. They also always do as they parents say, don’t argue with teachers, don’t date boys, who might be bad for them (or don’t date at all). But I’m not one of them, however I’m not a bad girl either. I realized that there is nothing good about smoking myself. Also, I realized that being cool has nothing to do with how much you can drink. I don’t repeat those mistakes I’ve made, except falling for bad boys but it’s impossible not to do that. I don’t regret most of the things that I’ve done because, not matter how cliche it sounds, it al has made me a person I am right now.
One more thing I have thought about a lot is forgiveness. “Forgive and forget.” They say. What an inaccurate saying. I’d correct it to “Forgive but don’t forget.” because, again, it’s all about learning from mistakes. Maybe it was my mistake to let a guy, who I thought was really good friend of mine, too close. It was wrong because I fell in love with him but he didn’t fall in love with me. Instead, he just broke my heart and I still can’t get over it. I will still cry some nights because I will never be able to understand what went wrong with our relationship but someday, maybe after month or a year it will be over. It has been a month and four days already, since I last tried to contact him (unsuccessfully). I gave up on doing that because it’s just pattering salt on an open wound. After few days is his birthday. I’ve wished him happy birthday for four last years at least. I’ve decided that this is not gonna be an exception. I’m just gonna text him “Happy birthday.” and that’s all. No asking “How are you?” or lame words about how much he means to me. He doesn’t anymore. But I’m not doing this for him. It’s for myself. Maybe right now I will be able to forgive him and not think about him with hate. No, I won’t forget but in the end, I am a good person. And I still care a little, even if I on’t like to admit it. Maybe I will always care. But that doesn’t matter anymore. It’s time to move on.
P.S. The challenge I wrote about in my last post has some serious progress. I’ve been walking for a week right now and not using public transportation.
xoxo, Porcelain Doll.