I miss you and I… loved you.

When a person, who was close to us, dies, it feels like we are burying a piece of our hearts with him/her. Similar thing happens when you break up or worse – he disappears with no reason, spitting on your frienship or relationship and leaves you drowning in tears. If I would cry everytime I miss him, I could fill one big pool with my tears. Months go by but scars in my heart don’t heal. Flashbacks just come like bullets straight to my heart. There’s nothing I can do. I can’t talk this out because problem isn’t solved, I can’t get lost in another relationship because I have become cold and uninterested to most people. I’m stuck in my own feelings that never fully got told. These feelings and memories are killing me. I’m sick of people telling me that I should move on because he doesn’t care anymore, he’s not good enough for me etc. All I know is that with him all conversations were natural and his hugs were the best. I remember the last phone conversation we had late night after seeing him for the last time: “I could kiss you next time we meet.” After his words I held my breath for a while. I couldn’t believe it that he was interested in me more than a friend. But that conversation happened almost three months ago. It won’t happen ever, I guess.Worst thing is that I keep blaming myself. I still feel like he was almost Prince Charming and I was too dumb, too ugly for him.Most of you might say that my behaviour really is stupid because I used to text him until 11 days ago, still hoping that we’ll at least be friends again. No luck, just my broken heart. I still start to cry at random times of the day because I can forget him and I miss him more than anything.

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My dad told me that writing a letter to him that I won’t send him, will help to get my feelings out. I haven’t tried it yet but I will now. Cause, honestly, there’s nothing to hide. He will never read this and you will understand my heartache because you’ve been in similar situations as well. I’m not gonna mention his name but here it goes.

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Dear X,

For years I hoped that the perfect moment would come and I could finally say the words that have been burning my heart. It never came. You just left me hanging before we even started. I still don’t know is it my fault, yours or both. All I know is that I always looked at you like you’re my Prince Charming, deep down hoping that one day the fairytale will come true. But, I guess, I wasn’t really your princess. I wasn’t that kind of beautiful badass you would fall in love with. I was just average girl you first met on summer camp. I was so shy, I couldn’t even say “hi” to you. Not only that one time but for years. I was insecure about everything – my body, my behaviour, every little thing you can’t even imagine. It took a lot from me to finally say “hi”, to start talking to you… But somehow I did it. 

As soon as I got to know you, I realized that I couldn’t really imagine my life without you. You were always there when I felt sad and talentless. You told me it’s not that bad and I should keep going. It worked, I kept doing my thing. You knew better than anyone, how to cheer me up. Even one single message could light up my day because I knew you will always be there for me. Okay, I thought so… Then the day, I thought would never come, came. I was alone in this world, feeling hurt because you left me without any explanation. I’m still alone, fighting my demons, crying at nights. It’s hard to keep living when the person you trusted and valued the most, left you forever. I won’t ever meet you on the street, hug you, laugh about your jokes… It’s all gone and it hurts like hell. Maybe these unsaid words are burning the hole in my heart. The truth is… I love you. I loved you since the moment I saw you, I love you now and I will love you until my last breath. You treated me the way I didn’t deserve, too, you hurt me so bad but I will never hate you, no matter, how hard I try. I love you, I love you, I love you…

You’ll always have my heart. L.

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So that’s it. I don’t know, will it make me feel better but I did it. Heartbreaks suck. A lot. It feels like you’re dead inside but somehow your heart still beats and you are breathing. It hurts as hell, it really does. But don’t you fucking tell me that loving him wasn’t worth it and that what I feel is stupid/pathetic/funny. Let me drown in the sadness until I’ll be able to keep living again.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

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3 thoughts on “I miss you and I… loved you.

      • Dan says:

        It will slowly come in time. Just focus on surrounding yourself with amazing people for now and feed off that positive energy. 🙂

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