I remember, when I was in elementary school, teacher gave us task to line up life values from most important to least important. I put friends in the very first place. I guess, that has to say a lot about me. More than anything I appreciate people, who are with me no matter what, who love me for who I am. For a long time I thought that all people I’m in regular contact with adnd have great conversations with, are really my friends. I was wrong, so wrong.
When I had one of those moments when I feel miserable, helpless and like a total zero, I texted few people I thought were my closest friends. I just couldn’t stop crying and put myself together alone. You know, how many of them found I time to talk to me? None. Either they were too busy in their own lives, either they just ignored me without no explanation. First type of “friends” let me know about their existence only when they have a time and a wish to talk to me. That doesn’t happen very often. Second type of “friends” can ignore me for days, even weeks, then suddenly call or text me, talk like everything is okay and after that disappear again. The fact that all of them had no interested of how I feel made me feel even more shitty. I couldn’t do anything at all, so I went to bed but fell asleep only at 2:30 a.m.
Next day I talked to acquaintance, who is studying pshychology. Her answer to all this was rough but sincere: “Either you can cry, feel like shit because them and nothing will ever change that, either you can concentrate to self improvement.” First I was like:” How can I just deal with the fact that I have no one to talk to, no one at all?” But then I understood. I need to listen to what my mind is saying. Then the idea was born. I will stop crying, keep reaching for my goals and stop running after people, who have no interest in me at all. I do not deserve to feel like shit. I did nothing wrong. In fact, I was honest, supportive, open and a great friend. If someone can’t appreciate that, it’s their fault and it has nothing at all to do with me. One of the last things my grandma said to me was: “Be proud of yourself.” Those four words can be applied to so many situations. In this one I’m just thinking: “I am proud that I am able to be such a good friend and I am able to love so deeply. Someone somewhen will appreciate it for sure.”
Right now my challenge for myself is not to text or call anyone unless it’s about school or activities that I should know about. Until this moment my experiment has one positive result – one true friend. Not much but it’s something. I’d rather have one real friend that bunch of fake ones. And now I feel grateful that she is my friend. A real one – not one of those, who just pretend to be interested and ask you questions just to be polite. What’s up with other ones? Let’s see. I was so busy cleaning my house that I didn’t realize my friend list should experience some cleaning, too. So this is my way of making sure that people closest to me are really my friends. Friends aren’t needed so you could say that you have ten or twenty of them, they are needed for SOS moments when you’re crumbling, when you need to get inspired or just some joy in your life. I don’t even need everyday texts, I just need to make sure that my friends are real and truly care about me.
I hope this post will make you overthink your friendships and make the right decisions. If you have anything to say, comment below, I will gladly read it.
xoxo, Porcelain Doll.