Honestly, whenever something bad happened that was associated with me, almost all of the times I blamed myself. And why not? Even smallest things can make change and maybe some small but bad things I did in the past, caused this. You can never know. But the worst thing about this blaming thing is – it makes me feel super anxieous, sad and underrated. Living with this feeling that most of the things might be my fault is a nightmare.
It started when I was a little girl. I am the only child in our family which means youngest person in whole family. Just like that, everyone always thinks that little kids cause a lot of trouble. So, whenever someone broke something or lost something, they first used to think that it was me. In those moments when it was really me, who caused the trouble, they got furious and yelled at me, sometimes spanked me. Since that I started to feel way too guilty about things I did and guilty about those ones that I didn’t even cause. But that wasn’t the only part, just smallest one.
Like I’ve mentioned somewhen before, I was bullied all the time in elementary school. Almost all of these times teachers couldn’t or wouldn’t do anything about it. Whenever someone called me in bad words and broke my stuff, and I punched them in a face (or something), it was my fault. I should’ve just ignore them. I was called ugly, fat and stupid so much I started to believe it and started to think that it’s my fault, that I’m being bullied. That was the biggest part. Now, let’s get back to this very moment.
It’s ruining my life – the feeling that I should blame myself for everything. When someone starts ignoring me and doesn’t want to talk things out, it’s my fault. When someone gets offended even though I just said the truth without being rude, I need to apologize. Whenever I argue with someone but wasn’t the one, who started it, I apologize. Maybe apologizing wouldn’t be such bad thing if people would really appreciate it. But they don’t. They continue pointing at me and calling me guilty or leave me.
I am not a bad person, I never was one. If I ever act heartless, it’s because people never appreciated my good heart. They just shattered it, spit on it and walk over about thousand times. I start to feel like shit. There are people, who really matter to me, so much that it brings tears. When they can’t find even five minutes a day to text me that their day is going fine and ask about mine, it hurts. When they’re cold hearted, it hurts, too and I instantly start blaming myself that maybe it’s my fault that I can’t melt the ice around their hearts.
Oh well, whatever, I guess I’m never gonna change. But it just hurts as hell when you do everything for someone and he doesn’t appriciate it, doesn’t do anything for me… And who’s fault is it? I say: “Mine.” It will always feel like it is mine, even if it’s not. I’m sorry for saying “I’m sorry too much” but sometimes I really wish, I could do something and most of the bad stuff would never happen.
xoxo, Porcelain Doll.