When my life is a mess.

Do you know that feeling, when you see that someone gets everything you dreamed about? I know. When I was younger, I wanted to go to an Art school and be an artist. It never happened to me but it did with my best friend (at that time). I’ve always wanted to seen, I wanted people to notice me and respect me. Did that happen? Of course not. Instead it happened to a lot of people near me, most of them – my friends. And then comes biggest and most painful thing – I wanted a great, functioning relationship with a guy and I really did everything – I supported him, went to visit him, I spent time with him and basically gave him my heart. What do I get? Few text messages a month (mostly) and he still doesn’t completely trust me. I’m still struggling with this guy but I guess, I should give up (again). And then – BAM, most of my friends suddenly out of blue are in a happy realtionships. It’s like a damn curse and I have no idea, how to get rid of it. Worst part is – it feels like life and everyone in it is rubbing it in my face, like it wouldn’t already hurt enough.

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Now I feel like a hamster in a wheel and I can’t get out. I guess, I never will and my life turns out to be completely different than I imagined it. I always thought, by the age of 18 I’ll be in a happy relationship, at 23 I’ll get married, at 25 I’ll have my first child… It’s not gonna be that way at all. It feels like I sold my soul… No, not to Satan but to my musical career. I’m already too far to stop this because it will be really big embarrasment then but I’m not far enough to be where I want to be and get what I want to get. I guess, that’s all I’ve left and no matter if my fingers bleed and my tears keep falling, I need to keep going. Friends will leave, trouble will follow but who cares? Maybe I’m destined for it. For a hard path, for sucess, for walking my way to goals alone.

Destiny, do you dare me? Fuck it, I’m ready. I will fall but I will get up, I will cry but my tears will dry. If this is my reason to live, I’m okay with it. I’ll write my name in history.

Some legends are told
Some turn to dust or to gold
But you will remember me
Remember me for centuries…” /Fall Out Boy/

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

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