Confused… about career.

I’m so confused about all the career paths and stuff that I couldn’t even write new post in here. So here I am – still wondering about all chances, possibilities but I’m gonna write all thoughts in here. Last thing I want to is this blog to die.

Some of you that are reading this blog, might now that I’m studying music (still going in middle school). Yeah. I’m already tired of people asking me: “Oh, so you’ve decided to keep studying music later, too, right?” Stop it. I haven’t decided anything. Actually I have no idea that I should do with my life. Choosing right career path is probably the most important choice in my whole life. I never had a time to really think about it. For a while I was little, then I was careless and *BAM* somehow after finishing 9th grade I found myself in a different city, in a different school. Looks like I really didn’t care about my life until now because I had no choice and everything for me decided my parents. It’s kinda depressing, when you can’t pick what you want to wear and the most important – what you can be. It brings tears in my eyes, thinking about that my parents might never let me really be who I want to be. So what, if it will be hard? So what, if I might do the wrong choice at the beginning? It will still be my choice and that it only thing that matters. I’m jealous to all teenagers whose parents support their career decisions and don’t pressure them do pick something else. You’re happy, be thankful about it.

I never felt that I have to make decisions in my own life and, I guess, that’s why I’m scared them when I need to. When someone else controls your life for so long, you never learn, how to do it by yourself. Since I was in third grade, I used to draw. In that moment I more liked the attention and the admiration that my classmates gave me than process itself. Later it changed and I really wanted to go to Art school but my parents didn’t let me. After few years I started to take private lessons in Art but it already felt like it was too late. I told my parents that I want to study Art but they kinda just laughed in my face. “You don’t have enough talent to do that. If you won’t pick Music, you will make very big mistake and fail.” That’s what they told me. Basically it felt like I suck at everything else and if I wouldn’t study music, they wouldn’t love me or something. Often, not even realizing that, my parents made me feel like shit and now I’m not sure about myself anymore. I don’t know if I can achieve something, I don’t know if I’m good person, I don’t even know am I strong enough to break out of this control cage.

Now I’m not gonna quit Music studies but I’ve started to read more about other professions and thought more about what I want and what I’m ready to do. So what if I will pick something that many, many people are doing in this world and never be a musical genius? I don’t care. I just want to make my own choices, feel happy and never feel pressure from someone else again. At the moment I’m trying to get more information about professions associated with Art, Computers and Writing. I don’t know yet, what I want but I will figure it out and I will fight for what I want, no matter what it will cost.

To all parents – please, let your children choose them their own path and support it. This is not the thing you can know better than they can. Main thing that parent should want is to their kids to be happy not to always do what they say and nothing else. I know, how it feels to have very high expectations and feel like everything I do is never enough,  and everything I want for myself is wrong. Don’t make your children feel like that. Let them know that they can choose and achieve what they want. Stay awesome, make your choices and don’t prevent others from making them!

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

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