Okay, I feel really bad for being away so long. But school really takes away all my energy, creativeness and optimism. I feel too exhausted and ad to even write here. But here I am now and I’m feeling better than I probably should.
For a long time I was in this “hopelessly crushing on someone I’ll never have” situation. It made me feel really mad, sad and… just terrible. I couldn’t stop contacting to him but also I couldn’t make things like they were a year ago. Then everything seemed quiet perfect – he was The One for me, The Perfect Guy I would want to marry one day and spend all my life with. But you know what all this was? Bullshit! I have this bad thing about idealizing people and wishing they could act like they did before. If we shared good memories but everything’s fucked up right now, I’m still gonna be the one, desperately trying to bring all that back. But the sad thing is – it never comes back. I realized that this guy was just another pointless crush, even more pointless than the one before. Shit just happens. But you know what? I’m thankful that it happened right now, not later, when he could shatter my heart even into smaller pieces. Just few weeks ago I was crying in my pillow and praying that someone (God, destiny, something else?) would give me a sign what to do. And now it happened. Now everything took it’s place and I’m feeling free and quiet happy.
What else? People in school. Maybe I really am where I am supposed to be. Many people in my school are actually very nice which is totally opposite of what was in my first school. So here I am – almost like a fish in the water. The thing that makes me the happiest person ever is spending time with two other guitarists. Sometimes it’s just great to talk about all that guitar stuff and help them to do something better.
When it comes to most of subjects in school… I still don’t understand a sh*t but somehow get okay grades.
And from now on I will learn to be thankful for what I have. It’s not that bad right now, is it?
xoxo, Porcelain Doll.