White crow.

People have been throwing rocks at me as long as I remember myself. There is no moment in my life, when I could act friendly with most of the people. At least not with people in my age or close to it. I still haven’t found out what’s the thing they hate about me. I have changed my looks, the way I talk, the way I act but it does not make them like me more. I’m sick of getting hate from so many people without any reason. I want normal, chill life without arguments about pointless things. I want people to love me for who I am. All these years, especially last one in my life, I have changed myself for better. I haven’t been cutting since the beginning of July 2014. I try to think first and only then say what’s on my mind. I try to play the guitar more so I could be better musician. I help others more. The most untrue quote I’ve ever heard is: “Love yourself and then everybody else will love you.” How dumb. It never works in real life. People are the meanest creatures on this planet and seems like it’s only getting worse.

Now I can really understand, what Kurt Cobain meant with his quote: “A friend is nothing but a known enemy.” You can’t really know, who are your true friends. Some of people just act like them to get what they want. When they got, they turn tables and get mean from, like you think, nowhere. I had this one so called friend. She was very friendly in the beginning of first school year in my new school. I thought that I finally will have true best friend. Oh, how I was wrong! After two or three months we weren’t talking at all. She turned out to be almost like Regina George from “Mean girls”. As long as I played by her rules, she was nice to me. After that – egoistic and ignorant. The sad thing is – from twelve people in my class, I talk only to one. Other of them aren’t talking to me at all or only in rare moments. Maybe it’s because I’m taking music too seriously, maybe because I don’t smoke and drink 3 or more times a week. Also, I don’t sleep around and I’m quiet.

I have no idea, which time in my life it is again but I’m in wrong place again. I don’t really fit in here. I don’t think I even fit somewhere. This world seems just not a place for me. I’m too weird, too sarcastic, too quiet… I give up on being nice to those, who don’t deserve it. I give up on trying them to like me, to even talk to me. That’s just pointless, they will never give a shit. People are too concentrated on themselves and their problems. They are ready to leave dead bodies behind them just to succeed. In some situations this kind of attitude is acceptable but not when you paddle someone’s feelings all the time. It’s sad, how people don’t care about spiritual values anymore.

No, I’m not trying to say that I don’t have any friends because it wouldn’t be true. I have few good friends but they don’t live close to me and it breaks my heart. I want to meet them, to have a good time with them and feel happy but I just can’t. I’m stuck here again with bunch of degraded persons that have no reason to live and no chance to succeed ever. Makes me feel sad again. I’m tired of always being in the wrong place and feeling unhappy because of it.

P.S. Can stop listening to this. Lyrics are just perfect. ❤

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

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