Brokenhearted.

Hey.  I think, I should stop writing intros in my posts at all.

Today I was having a conversation with my mum about love and relationship, and all that stuff. Made me think a lot. After about half an hour talking about that, I said: “I think, real love is a friendship. You’re not blind to other’s dark sides but you still love them for who they are. That’s love.” Isn’t it like that? Sex isn’t important, kisses aren’t, too… And no need to bought someone bunch of roses or say: “I love you.” three times a day. Love is when you support someone, take care of them, share your emotions with them and be honest to them. That’s love. Not all shitty romantic stuff we see in movies that fucks you up later and makes you cry in the pillow at night.

Still, talking about crying in pillows at nights… I feel like I want to do it right now but nothing comes out. If I’d say that I forgot Prince Charming, who turned into a frog later, I would lie. After 5 weeks of thinking about this stupid arguement, I realized that it wasn’t only his fault. I was guilty, too. I should’ve said: “Okay, you’re upset and I’m upset, too. We should continue this convo other day.” But no, I said pretty much shit and now I regret it because it’s over but I can’t stop thinking and crying about great memories that we had. This isn’t how this story should end, is it? I met him only two times in my life but I would give a lot to meet him again. I should learn to not overreact. I hurt people that I like and it’s killing me inside. I say things that hurt them when I’m upset and they just walk out of my life.

And like a pathetic girl, I texted him… about 5 damn sms or so. I just can’t live my life calmly and happily because those memories are just like protected files in a computer. You can’t delete them no matter how hard you try. Everytime I think about something, his smile flashes in my head, words that he said keep playing in my head over and over again. I can’t even go to sleep because I see him in my dreams. It’s like a worse nightmare that keep following me no matter where I go. I can’t get him back in my life and it’s killing me inside.

How could I throw him out of my life and act like all this never happened? Those words that he said about year ago, keep repeating in my head: “You’re the closest person I have, except my best friend.” Okay, bff’s are holy thing and I don’t mind that this random guy is his trustworthy person no.1 . But how could everything change so fast? We had arguements before but we always got back together. Always. And now… I feel really pissed because I can’t take back all the shit I texted him that night and I want him back now.

This was like a diary entry in here, so personal. But… now you know, I’m not a cold-hearted bitch, I have emotions, too. Maybe too much of them. Right now I just feel clueless. I don’t want other guy in my life to take his place because I know, that no one ever could do it. I guess, only thing I could do now is to go to bed and cry ’til I fall asleep. Sometimes things in my life happen even worse that I thought they will.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

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