Why it sucks to celebrate X-mas and NYE vs. 2015’s update

Hey, hey! Thank you to all for being interested what I post. Means much. ❤  So here I am. I won’t let you down by leaving this blog for a long time just because I’m in a bad mood. I’m taking this whole blogging thing real serious for now. I just can’t promise that for following two or three weeks I will post often because my computer died and now it’s getting fixed somewhere in Lithuania. Sucks to be me, huh.

Talking about New Year… It was fine. But New Years Eve and Christmas will never be the same without my grandparents. I miss them and I always will. Celebrating with family just make me feel sad and realize that we will never be the same together. It’s not like my grandparents died few months ago or so. It’s been about 5 or 6 years since Grandma’s (dad’s mum’s)  death and 3 or so years since Grandpa’s (mum’s dad’s) death. Those years without them I’ve just felt like a leftover or invisible or something. There’s no one in our family, who would hug me, talk to me without judging and listen to me when I talk. It’s sad that my parents are always busy with something and… I just don’t feel close to them at all.

What I want in New 2015 Year? I just want to enjoy my life, my parents to stop judging and controling me, my friends to always be with me…

I don’t want to feel depressed anymore because it sucks. Living with my parents and rarely seeing other people really sucked. I don’t look at them like people, I feel lonely, sad, depressed and angry living with them. It’s like they’re slowly killing the real Me, who’s just born. I just want to feel freedom. I want to dye my hair blue, I want to spend time with my friends more, I want to workout as much as I want… I’ve been caged for so many years and that’s excatly what made me feel depressed. When my own parents judged me and did everything to change me, I just wanted to hang or something. I’d rather die than live the life feeling caged and not feeling me.

I know, they always wanted a daughter, who’d be so much like they are. But I don’t feel like I’ve got something common with them at all. I listen to rap, pop and rock, they listen to some shitty 80’s hits and Latvian pop. I draw and write, they think it’s a waste of time. I watch drama’s and horrors, they’re into historical movies about war and cheesy romantic stuff. We’re just too different, that’s why I don’t like to spend time with them. Don’t get me wrong – I wish I could talk with them about everything, trust them and have a good time with them but… that’s not the thing I could fake. Sad but that’s it.

This post was something really similar to diary. I just know, I can share these things with you and don’t fear that you will judge me. Some of you probably feel/felt the same way. It’s not something you can choose with your brain. Same goes with friends. You pick them with heart not brain. If there’s a click – everything works, if not – it won’t and deal with it.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

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