Hey, cool people! 🙂 Before I start – Merry X-mas to all of you! I wish I had that Christmas mood right now but… it’s gone. Thanks to my parents. No, don’t judge me yet because you don’t know my story and relationships with my parents.
Always, hearing and seeing someone showing their love to their parents, I felt very confused. I never thought that I could love my parents like they do because… sadly they aren’t the most important people in my life at all. You’d probably give me that “you’re crazy” or “you’re not normal” look right now but let me explain everything. I will enlighten your minds by telling a bit about both of my parents.
Mum. Honestly, she’s that parent I don’t like the most. She very talkative and over-emotional but in a really bad way because she always says all the bad thing like 20 times each and good things says almost never. She quickly gets furious and when she’s like that, I wish I could change my mother or disapear from this world forever.
My mother isn’t the kind of mum, who always cooks delicious food, actually half of the time she doesn’t cook at all because she doesn’t want to eat or she’s too tired of everything. She also isn’t the one, who supports my hobbies. I love to draw but drawing is the topic that annoys her the most. My mother actually is ready to do everything, to stop me from drawing just because she thinks that I will go to Art school one day and ruin all career plans about music that she had made for me. She always says that I should stop living in ilusions and everything that I dream of will never gonna happen. (Actually, this one hurt the most.)
She even doesn’t let me cut my hair shorter just because she had short hair in her childhood and she looked terrible then. She doesn’t want me to go to the gym because she thinks it’s for men and women, who go to the gym turn into bodybuilders or something/ Mother never forgets to tell that I shouldn’t be friends with people I am friends with now because they are bad influences for me. Also I hate that she never makes me feel better when I feel down. Instead of that she just gets over-emotional and starts yelling at me.
Note: Yeah, now some of you maybe think, that I’m an ungrateful child, who wants perfect mother. No, it’s not true at all.
Dad: He’s very quiet and when he’s tired or hungry, he easily gets mad for smallest things. I hate that. Sometimes, when he gets furious, he can even hit me. Almost always dad has no opinion himself, so he agrees with my mum. My father often is very busy at work so he doesn’t have enough time for me. That really makes me sad.
How can you even love someone, who makes you feel like shit? Really. It’s not possible. They always say that I’m living in ilusions, I’m overreacting all the time, says that I’m always making wrong decisions… And now I should love you, huh? Call you the best parents ever? No, that’s not gonna happen.
So, here’s how I look at my parents. Now you understand, why I’m not that kind of person, who would reblog “I love my mum” tweets in Twitter and buy flowers for my dad in Father’s day. I just wished for parents that could make me feel better, when I’m down and the ones I could respect and wish I could be like them. But now… I just want to be as less as possible like them. I want to have my own life and my own dreams to chase. It’s really sad that people outside of my family are regularly bringing me down but when my parents do that… it’s the worst. Everytime when I hear that all I dream of, all dreams I am ready to chase, are never gonna happen, makes me feel depressed and hopeless.
Who am I to live the life that I want? I can’t earn money yet, I don’t have my own home… I’m completely dependent on them. If they won’t give me money for my education and living, I will never live my dream. Never. But if you can’t chase your dreams, if you can’t even try, why is it worth to live this life? Who even wants life without dreams, choices, ups and downs? No one. But I have no other choice, except, accepting the fact that I will never be the person I want to be.
xoxo, Porcelain Doll.