Dear diary, I feel confused and sad.

Hey. I put all hopes, that people still will follow and like this blog, away. I’m not here anymore, thinking what you would like and then posting it. Today I’m just using this as a damn diary or something.

 I remember, when I was little, like 8 or 9 years old, I started writing a diary. I was mostly about things that happen in school, my best friend and my silly childhood crushes. What could I even knew about love then? I only liked few guys because they were very good looking but in personality – total assholes. And when I discovered their”personality secrets”, I felt really pissed. But now, when tomorrow’s my sixteenth birthday, I understand that all that shit was nothing. It was stupid, silly nothing. How I understood that? Realizing that I finally like someone for who he really is.

I met him almost year ago. Not really met but started chatting with him. I had no idea, how he looks, how he acts in real life, nothing. I got to know that he was 21 years old then but I didn’t really care. It was just nice that I could talk to someone, who was really smart. With every day I got to know him better and better and I found out that he’s actually very funny, smart and really great guy. And he was unique. At least, in my eyes. He fascinated me for some reason that I never knew and I never got bored, talking with him. We could talk for hours about everything very honestly and we didn’t judge each other like people mostly do. I felt really comfortable talking with him. First time in my whole life I found someone that I could really trust for all 100% . It seemed like he understand like my mum should, cheered me up like a best friend and take care and calmed me down like my dad should. He said that I’m the closest person to him after his best friend. I could say the same, too.

First time we met at the beginning in this summer. He was already 22. I was nervous about what he will think of me, what I will think of him. I thought that maybe he’s really not what I expected him to be. But in the moment when we met, everything was okay. Even more than okay. He was very good looking and not at all different personality that I met online. I just couldn’t stop smiling, looking at him. For whole my life I kinda didn’t like guys because I found them silly, dumb and mean but he was… very different. Maybe it was hour, maybe less that I spent with him but… it was perfect. Hugging him was perfect.

Second time we met, I was still shy. We were talking about nothing and everything. Everything was fine. Talking with him, I feel like I’m in a different world. Better world. He’s still very unique person. In the way he talks, in the way he thinks even about the most simple things. It fascinates me a lot. He’s the most fascinating person I ever met. I never met someone like him and I think, that I never even will.

Looks like we’re bff’s. I never had a guy best friend. He’s first. He’s that sunshine that brings me out of depression I had after my grandparents death for years. He makes me smile no matter how bad day, week or month I had. Who cares? Talking with him just automatically brings big smile to my face and I feel like the happiest girl in the world just because he’s my best friend and he’s always there for me. He cares. He doesn’t let me cut anymore. Since the beginning of July I quit cutting. I would never did this without his help. My parents, my teachers, my best friend always told me that I should stop but I always went back to that. Now I am stronger because he made me like that. I would never regret that I met him .

Right now we’re not talking for more than a month. Not because we’re mad to each other. No. Maybe it’s our fault, maybe my parents’ . Who cares? I still feel… empty without him. I smile, I laugh but I don’t feel happy. He was my happiness. He made me feel special without even trying that. With every day going by, I miss him more and more and I understand that he was important to me. He was the person that I would like to keep in my life forever. No matter – as a friend or as something more – I just want to feel happy and special again. I want someone that would listen to me and understand me no matter what. I have many friends, I have my parents…. but it’s not like that. It’s too difficult. I just can’t tell them everything without fear of being judged. But I can tell him. Corection – I could.

It hurts when you know that nobody cares about your feelings and your thoughts. Nobody wants to listen you because you’re too boring for them, they don’t like you or they’re just too busy. Yep, that’s me – the weird loner who has no friends at the same time when I’m having many. You know what I mean. They’re like officially your friends but they’re not acting like that. They text you rarely or never, they never call you and talk to you only in school or something. They’re not persons you share your secrets with. They’re count as your friends but actually they’re empty place to you. That’s how I feel. And… if I could have him back in my life, I don’t need no one else.

I know, that this guy can be really annoying when he gets upset about little things, I know that he can piss me off when he’s sad and I can do nothing about it. But… I don’t care. Nobody’s perfect and he’s not an exception. I just want to be there for him no matter what. I just want to be the person that unexpectedly hugs him, brings smile to his face in saddest moment and talks to him whole night. You know why? I love him. Still not sure – as a friend or more but he has special place in my heart from the very, very start. It’s not a coincidence that he wrote to me that day eleven months ago. I believe that everything happens for a reason.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.


2 thoughts on “Dear diary, I feel confused and sad.

  1. basblonde says:

    I understand how do you feel(especially about the so called ‘friends’).I don’t know why you stopped see each other and chat each other but I think you should send him a message.if He’s the one who makes you feel good,why keep him away?

    • porcelainblackdoll says:

      Ugh. True story is that my dad red our chat in skype and it was really about EVERYTHING and my parents got really mad I talk about “stranger” with things like that. They wrote him something that scared him away, then we talked shorty and he promised, we’ll stay friends but we just need a break. When my parents would forget all about that, we’ll continue to chat and everything. That’s what he said.
      I already messaged him many times and called, too but he doesn’t answer. 😦 I think that all what he said was a lie and I was just dumb that I believed him. :-/ Looks like people who are not the same sex with that big age difference just can’t be friends. 😦 If he would care, he would have answered. And, reading his tweets, looks like he’s happy and doesn’t miss me at all. I really give up on him because I can do nothing. 😦

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