Confessions of a cutter who quit self-harming.

Hey. This post probably will be the most serious post that I’ve ever wrote in this blog. It’s about self-harm and cutting. Most of people don’t understand how serious this is. There is thin line between life and death. And you can’t know when will became that moment when one mean thing that you said to someone will be just too much for him/her.

So here is my confession: I was a cutter. But I quit it. I don’t remember when I started it, I think, it was between 10th and 12th year of my life. All started when I was depressed. For what? Because when I was 9 (almost 10) years old, my grandmother died. ;( At first I didn’t even realize that something changed but than more time passed than more I miss her. I never knew her good enough, never spent enough time with her. But that was only one of reasons. Another reason was bullying. I was bullied since kindergarten but with years all this got even worse and I couldn’t handle it. I was different and I knew it. I didn’t wanted to change but I wanted to fit in, to people like me for who I am. It was stupid to think that it can happen. 😦

When I saw that no one, not teachers, not my parents take all this seriously and didn’t help me, I started to cut. When I was younger, I saw pictures with bloody cutting scars in the internet. That people did it when they felt bad. And I thought – why not? Maybe I will feel better when I will do it. And I took razor blade and cut my hand, I watched how it starts to bleed. Few more cuts and I felt better because physical pain seemed more intense than that one in my heart, in my mind. But it helped just for a moment. And everytime when I felt helpless and sad, I cutted. I never said why I did it when people asked me. I don’t talk about my pain, I don’t talk about how I feel. It was too personal.

I remember how one of my classmates saw these scars and asked: “Why you just don’t kill your self? Cut your veins and done!” Probably, then was the first time when I felt ashamed about what I did to myself. But I couldn’t stop. I did it more and more until I was addicted to pain. I couldn’t stop. I lasted for few years. Mum took me to psychologist many times but nothing helped. My parents said me to stop but I couldn’t. I just hide my scars from them.

Then, in start of December 2014 I did it last time. Why I quit? I met a guy in the internet. Not just someone that I chat with for few minutes or a day and leave. No. I found a friend, really good one. And now he’s not only friend. 🙂 Somehow we talked and I told him about all this. After that talk I understood that I don’t want to do it anymore. Why? I just… became happier and happier talking to him. And found a reason to live, to be strong. He still makes me smile and feel like happiest girl in whole world. 😛 So yeah, it’s almost 2 months since I quit it and I’m very proud of it. 🙂

What can I say to you? If you do it, stop. Find at least one reason to live, one reason to quit and be happy. I know, that sometimes it feels hard like quitting drugs or something, but do it. Chance to live is one. Your life is a blessing.

Remember: If it’s not happy, it’s not the end. 😉

And if you need someone to talk to, I’m here. You can write my on my e-mail: zakens1998@inbox.lv . I know how it feels when you’re depressed, when you’re sad, cutting and can’t quit.

Here’s a song to you. 🙂 Lyrics really made me think about everything cause they’re so true. I love this song. ❤

Love you, readers. 🙂 Every like, every follower makes me smile.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

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