My current mental state

You’re probably wondering, why I haven’t posted in a while. I didn’t feel like it. I didn’t feel like it for a day, a week, a month… Because when a person is depressed, there’s nothing he/she wants to do. In some days I don’t feel like I even want to go to the store and it doesn’t matter than I have almost no food left in my house. Some days I even barely get out of bed and when I do, it’s just to grab my computer and make some tea. And there are more things than just depression ruining my life.

I have some kind of sleeping disorder. It gets harder and harder to fall asleep in time and wake up in time in the morning. When I finally fall asleep, about 75% of nights I have nightmares, very visual and violent ones where I or someone else gets hurt really badly (get burns, get beaten up etc) or where I witness a murder in details. Once in my dream I got to know that a child was killed and had a weird feeling of guilt that I might be the one, who killed this child but I don’t remember most of it. So this is the thing – my sleep schedule is fucked up and my dreams are even more fucked up. It has gotten so bad that I have trouble getting in time to school and when I do, most of the days I have problems properly functioning. I feel sleepy or just “out of the zone” and don’t understand most of the things.

Depression has taken away all my motivation and self-esteem. I don’t feel like doing a lot of things. I don’t feel like working out and eating. When I eat, I mentally beat myself up about it because my inner me is a mean bitch, telling me I should eat less because I don’t get enough phisical activity and I will become fat, just like my mother.

I used to play the guitar and actually enjoy it but now I don’t. In fact, I already hate it. It feels like I’m playing just to please someone. I can’t even express myself in music anymore. My teachers are pointing at every single detail, every single note and telling me, how to play it and I need to do as they say, there is no other way. I was always a person, who hated any creative supression that made me feel like I’m not myself anymore. The shitty thing is – I can’t get out of this at the moment. I can’t leave school because I have 1 year and 3 months left. I can’t change the teacher without scandal because I have already changed him once this year. And I can’t talk to any of my two guitar teachers because one will just stop me halfway when I haven’t said everything, misunderstand me and then make a conflict out of nowhere but the other one will just say that it is all my fault and I should get my shit together. Like it’s not already hard enough! I’m struggling to even take my instrument out of it’s case and you dare to say that it’s all my fault. Oh well… It’s always my fault, isn’t it? I already feel like every relationship that didn’t work out, every bad arguement with someone, everything is my fault. I already feel like shit and you tell me that it’s my fault. I open my heart, try to talk with you honestly that I have a problem and you just say, you can’t help me, it’s all my fault. Go ahead, spit in my soul once again, if you’re so good at doing that…

At this point in my life, I just want to leave it all behind: my parents, who never listen to me, my teacher, who never supports me and used to laugh when I said I have a depression and my career choice because musican is not who I want to be. I just want to be loved by my parents for who I am, supported by my teacher during hard times and become who I want to be. I want to become an author – a successful one. I want to feel happy being myself not live all my life fitting someone else’s standards about me. I’m so jealous of people whose parents support them and love unconditionally because I have never felt this love and support. What makes me less valuable than every one else? Don’t I deserve to be loved, supported and to make my own choices? What have I done wrong that my parents like to manipulate with me, judge me and change me? And if only my teacher knew, how hurtful it was when he laughed at me after I said I have a depression. He thought it’s impossible to be depressed in such young age and that I have everything I could want in my life. You know, depression doesn’t care about gender, age or anything else. It just appears and doesn’t go away. Living with it is like walking down the street with a huge, heavy rock on my shoulders. I have to carry it wherever I go and do the same things that people, who don’t have it, do.

At this point, I just don’t know, how to solve my problems. I just want to get high school certificate, get a job to become financially stable and never talk to my parents again. I’m so done with my old scars being ripped open again. I’m doing my best to heal but this world just won’t let me.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

 

My happiest memories.

I admit that lately I haven’t been very positive on my blog. Also, I’ve been barely posting so this started to look like a blog I write just to whine… which is not true at all. So here’s some refreshing change. Today I returned from capital city where I was born and spent a lot of great time with my grandpa when I was still a kid, so I decided to share some positive memories with you.

  • I remember going on a visit to grandpa’s apartment and when I came inside, I felt strong smell of pancakes with meat filling. It was lovely. He used to make pancakes with minced meat often.
  • I remember rainy days and myself as a kid. I used to walk outside just in my swimming suit and rubber boots, and get wet. I loved to run in the rain and those were the times I finally felt alive, free and full of energy. Also, I used to go to shower, fill my boots with water and walk outside then. I just loved the sound my boots made when they were full with water.
  • I remember laughing almost until I cry with my primary school best friend. We were unseperable back then.
  • I remember all the satisfying times when I was painting in my room, undisturbed, music was playing loud and I was feeling really inspired. I didn’t care that my clothes, hands and the floor was all with paint. Actually, I loved the mess I made.
  • I remember first time seeing my cat as a very small kitten. She was so small, like a mice and her eyes were still closed but she looked so lovely with that three coloured fur. Even though she was very wild as a kitten, she’s perfect to me.
  • I rememer going to my first pop concert which was One Republic concert (Native tour). I was so blown away that I was close to crying from happiness.
  • I remember my first kiss with my first love. We don’t talk anymore, it’s over but I remember, how he leaned over me and kissed me like it happened just yesterday.
  • I remember my grandma’s last words: “Be proud of yourself.” And I’m really trying to be.
  • I remember my first music teacher. She understood me better than anyone else and was the first person, who noticed me, who made me feel like I am capable of something.
  • I remember my first time smoking weed in a park at night with my ex best guy friend and drinking tea with him afterwards at my place. I remember, how we talked and cuddled in my bed because it was cold.

I guess, that’s all for now but well, at least I’m positive. 🙂

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

I never want to be like her.

I was never close with my mum. In primary school I saw no meaning in Mother’s day crafts, gifts and cards. Who cares about that anyway? Today she’ll smile and say, how great it is but week later it wil be forgotten in some drawer. When I got older and started to use computer, posts who said “repost if you love your mother” , “my mother is my everything” confused me. Sure, I didn’t hate her but it didn’t really feel like I loved her. Sometimes she was okay…. but sometimes she crashed my heart in little pieces with words and lowered my self-esteem even more. Years went and she became everything I never wanted to be.

I don’t want to be obese like her and I’m carefuly looking after my body, and working out just to look amazing. I read a lot and want to be open-minded, not stagnatic like she is. My mother doesn’t support LGBT community. She has no idea I belong there. I’m bisexual and I see nothing wrong with liking girls AND boys. I have had sex before marriage with the guy I loved. I see nothing wrong with that but if my mother would know, she would judge me for sure. Mum, I’m not a slut, I’m just proud to be a sexual being and I don’t regret having my first time with my first love, it was an incredible experience. I don’t want to be a musican, I want to be a writer. I’m sick and tired of always doing what I’m told; it does no good to me. Everyone’s happy but whenever I’m playing the guitar, it feels like a duty and I slowly start hating it. I don’t want to be one of those people, stuck with a job they don’t love. Don’t get me wrong – music is great but being a musican means having a lot restrictions and rules. Right now I feel like a puppet and I can’t get out of this situation. I want to be myself, I really do but I’m sick of being judged for it. 

I’m sick of being judged by the person that should be the closest to me – my mother. Living alone I feel inspired, free and happy but spending time with her and dad I feel tired, helpless and tallentless. I don’t want to hear again, how changing career path will ruin my life and I will throw away my tallent. I don’t want to hear, how my friends influence me badly; they’re way closer to me than my parents will ever be. I don’t want to hear that I’m too skinny just because I eat less and workout. I don’t want to hear that I’m acting like a psycho and “it was just a joke” after I have said many times that I hate those kind of jokes. I’m sick, so sick of you treating me like shit. I wish you would leave me alone and let me be myself without constantly worrying that there might be something wrong with me because you constantly doubted me.

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Thanks a lot, mum, for lowering my self-esteem, never supporting my dreams and making me feel like I’m mentally insane. Thanks a lot. The worst thing is that I believed in every word you said just because you’re my mum.

 

Porcelain Doll.

Does being a woman makes me less of a person?

Honestly, I’m sick and tired. And I’m not talking about my sore throat and running nose, altrough it bothers me right now, too. I’m sick and tired of that part of men, who treats women like shit, are egocentric and think they are better than us just because they’re men. Oh, you’re more of a person because you have a penis? Newsflash – most of the male population does have one but not all of them disrespect women. What makes me even more sad – these are just young boys, who make fun of girls, grown up men in their 40’s and 50’s do, too.

First thing’s first – woman’s job does not define her worth. This is mostly about sex workers. Just because she shows her body or lets you do with it what you want for money, doesn’t mean she’s a piece of meat and you can treat her badly. For example, she’s a cam-girl and you call her a slut just because she shows her naked body online and masturbates on camera. First of all – there’s nothing wrong with nudity or masturbation. Second of all – what if she desperately needs a lot of money and she has no other way to get it? Maybe she’s a single mom, who can’t leave her kids alone for too long, maybe she’s a student, who can’t pay the tuition othervise, so she has to do this job. So stop being rude to woman just because you don’t like the job she has. This female is just as much human as everyone else.

Second – making fun of her mental illness/illneses. “Oh, you’re depressed… Is it because you realized you’re the ugliest piece of shit anyone has ever seen?” “So, you’re depressed and self-harming…. Why haven’t you commited a suicide yet?” Actually, this is not only about women but about everyone, who makes fun about someone’s mental illness. If you ever make fun of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder or anything else, I will punch you in the face. If someone would have a cancer, would you make fun of them, too? Probably not. So how is mental ilness different from any other illness?

Her body issues. Somehow in 21st century we are expected to be fit, with big breasts and butts, perfect faces and anything else. Why? Because it’s beneficial for men. Women don’t run this industry, men do. We’re having more complexes about our bodies than ever. We are never good enough because we’re too fat, too skinny, too short, too everything. Just another aspect that makes us feel weaker and men – stronger.

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Dressing like she’s “asking for it”. I can’t explain, how much this actually bothers me because I remember my own mom telling me, when I was younger that “I shouldn’t dress like that, boys will misunderstand me and it looks too provocative”. Oh, so that’s what’s wrong with my shorts on a summer day. I can’t expose my body even when it’s really hot outside because men are these wild creatures, who just follow their hormones and fuck everything they’re attracted to. How can we ignore their naked torsos and not jump them but they can’t ignore our bare legs? That’s just absurd. If a woman says “no”, it’s a “no”. The fact that she’s wearing short shorts on a summer day doesn’t say: “Come and fuck me already.” Also, the fact that she dresses like this doesn’t give you right to call her a slut or whore. Wearing short skirt and crop tops has nothing to do with woman’s sex life.

Job over family life. Oh, she doesn’t care about her family life, she’s working all the time and doesn’t spend enough time with her children. Women should be housewives and they belong in the kitchen. Let’s crash the stereotype that women should always be with their children, cleaning house and cooking. If she wants to have a successful career, she can have it. It doesn’t make her a worse person.

And finally we’re at this topic – sex life and double standards. If she’s a virgin – she’s prude, if she has slept with three guys or more – she’s a whore. When guy sleeps with, for example, five women, he’s a champ. So basically – I am sick of men judging our sex lives. Our bodies are our temples and it’s only our business, who we let in it and who we don’t. If you’re a good, fun and smart person, the fact that you haven’t slept with anyone or you have slept with five guys does not change it. Screw double standards! If you want to have sex – go for it, if you don’t – good for you!

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What I am trying to say with this post – women are different but all of as are worthy and capable of anything we want. The fact that we’re females doesn’t mean that we are weaker than men, not as smart and powerful. Virgin or not, family person or not, sex worker or not, mentally stable or not – she a woman. Women are magical – they often are very creative, they have a capability to carry a baby, they are good at multitasking, they are caring and loving… Be proud that you are a woman, don’t let immature men bring you down! Stick up for other women because we can be even more powerful, if we stick together! Cheers!

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

 

How losing him feels like.

Don’t tell me that I wasn’t in a serious relationship with him, so crying over him is stupid. You’re just pattering the salt in my bleeding wounds.

Don’t tell me that he’s just not interested in me and I should stop caring because I feel like no one’s ever capable of liking me and loving me. What if the guy I loved was just one of many, who found me weird, unlovable, even disgusting?

Don’t tell me just to forget him because I can’t turn off my emotions like I turn out the light in my room.

Don’t tell me that the way I feel is funny because we only met in real life several times. He knew more about me than you ever will.

Don’t tell me to find someone else, who will appreciate me. I can just put a patch on my infected, bleeding wounds. Picking someone else while I’m hurting will just make me toy with someone else’s feeling without even knowing it.

Don’t tell me to dive into the sea of hobbies and things I need to do. Whatever I do, I still can’t stop thinking about him.

Don’t tell me to stop overreacting. Living without him feels like watching black and white TV with no sound after having normal TV with sound and colours.

Don’t tell me to stop exaggerating because being without him is like desperately trying to catch air when theirs none.

Don’t tell me to stop punching walls with my fists. I can’t feel a thing without him, at least I can feel physical pain.

Don’t tell me I will be better without him because the moment you say it, all the happy memories with him start flashing in front of my eyes.

Don’t tell me there’s a plenty of fish in the sea. There’s no other guy with who I could vibe so well.

Don’t tell me that you know, how I feel. You never ever met him, you never saw him through my eyes.

Losing him seems like never ending hell. Being him was like heaven and hell mixed in one but I’d rather chose hell with few moments of heavenly happiness than never ending suffering.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

 

 

The day a guy became one of my best friends.

I’m not really a people person, even more – I’m not a male person. In elementary school I hated them with all my heart because they always we’re mean and childish. In middle school I started to see that boys (surprisingly!) do like me but then I realized they just wanted to get in my pants or screw my mind. No wonder, I thought that true, meaningful and platonic friendship between a guy and a girl can’t exist.

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However, the other day I was hanging out with my best girlfriend and her boyfriend. They’re honestly closest friends to me right now but… I started to think that I’m developing a crush for this friend’s boyfriend. He is funny, sweet, shy  and interesting… Hell, I really thought that I’m into him LIKE THAT. That I wanted to be his girlfriend etc and I felt ashamed because I would never steal my best friend’s man, that’s just not me. Now, back to the day we were hanging out. When it was getting late, my friend went home and I stayed with her boyfriend, and we kept drinking and talking. And at one moment I just really wanted to kiss him but I kissed him on the cheek instead. I just threw away those wrong thoughts and kept spending time with him. And then few hours later when I stayed the night and we talked until four in the morning, I realized that I have no intention to have sex with him… ever. I just really adore him as a friend and I feel safe with him. I feel about him the same way I feel about my best (girl) friend and there’s nothing wrong with that. Damn it – just because he’s a boy, I thought I have a crush on him which was thankfully not true. He’s just my first real guy friend and got me confused. Well, c’est la vie! Things happen but I’m glad that I finally have a homie I can’t talk to about everything that bothers me – guitar, boys, school, sex, just anything! That’s the one thing I can be happy about, even though I’m going through rough time. 

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

My man.

I’m back again, feeling more positive and alive. Except the fact that I still sleep a lot. However, my guitar teacher now is the one, who was my first guitar teacher. I’m much happier when my lessons are productive and I have a teacher, who really supports me and is willing to do a lot for me to success. Enough with the intro, I’m ready to write something.

I know, who is going to be my man from the very start. No, it’s not about his looks, age, relationship status or anything. It’s about that moment when out eyes first meet. One glance and I know, if I’m interested in him. Funny, how only now I realized that with every guy I’ve been interested in, it all started the same. They mostly had nothing in common, well, except for blue eyes but the spark was always there. And when it is, I’m not sure it ever leaves. Maybe, if we never meet again, I gradually forget, how it felt to kiss his lips or hug him.

Few days ago after a long time I met a guy I once had love affair once. He was taken then and he is still now. We weren’t even together and barely had anything to talk about… Why do I even kind of miss him? I shouldn’t, hell, I really shouldn’t. He’s my friend’s boyfriend and… it seems like he never forgot anything we had. Maybe I have a thing for relationships that are just not right, who knows.

When it comes to taken guys, he’s not the only one I’m kind of falling for. What happened to me? I was always a good friend and guys around my age never caught my eyes. But then he appeared and I saw him from the very start. I knew there’s something about him, yet I had no idea, what excatly. Our friendship started only when he started going out with one of my friends. At first I was shocked and a little hurt but then somehow, with time I ended up being good friends with this guy and I’m stuck in the worst situation ever. I really like him but I am not going to ruin her relationship. Yet, it’s kinda killing me – keeping all this to myself. How do I ever end up in messy situations? What’s funny is that I thought I’m over both of these guys but I’m not.

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xoxo, Porcelain Doll.