3 myths girls should stop believing.

Young woman’s life in 21st isn’t easy but it’s even harder, if you believe myths that aren’t true. After great shopping spree I finally got some ideas for new blog post, so let me tell you three myths that are ruining your life. Once I believed in them, too.

1. If you will get fit, you will 100% fit in clothes that are too small for you right now. A person, who was once overweight and then lost weight might fit in those skinny jeans again but someone, who was just out of shape and got really fit has a big chance of still not being able wear small size clothes that once fit. Been there, know that. Imagine that you have a pair of those really awesome skinny jeans that fit you five years ago but now they don’t because your butt is too big. You think – well, I’ll work out, get rid of some fat and they will fit just great. No, girl, they won’t. Your butt might get in shape but those tighs will shape nicely, too and won’t be able to fit in jeans that were made for women, who are naturally skinny and don’t work out. What you should know is that we don’t get fit and healthy to wear size S or M . We do that to look the best way our body is possible to look and feel great. If something doesn’t fit perfectly, you still can still take that thing to dressmaker and customize for your body (not try to customize our body for the clothing because that’s just madness). A lot of clothing isn’t made for healthy looking woman but for way too skinny models or women with not really realistic body parameters. There are women with thick tighs and small boobs, women with skinny tighs and big boobs, woman with wide shoulders and narrow hips etc., and that’s okay. You are not a mannequin, not everything will fit and that’s okay. Stop judging yourself, you are beautiful.

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2. Virginity is a thing and having sex with someone before marrying him is terrible. Dear women, who consider themselves virgins because they didn’t have penetrative sex, I feel bad for you. Virginity really is a social construct. (Damn, I should make a t-shirt with that phrase!) I can already imagine you feeling shocked and telling me that it is not. Well, then let’s make it clear. Do you know where the hymen actually is? Do you know it can’t be broken, just streched? That’s right, let me show you a picture to prove it (even though seeing this might be unpleasant to some people).

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So now you see where it is located. If hymen would really have no opening and should be broken – how the hell would girls menstruate? Haven’t you ever thought about that? Besides – what is really a penis – some magic wand? Boom, you’re not virgin anymore? If virginity would really be a thing, wouldn’t girls loose their virginity getting fingered or masturbating vaginally with a vibrator? If only a sex with a man can make you loose your virginity, are lesbians forever virgins? When you finally know this, you can stop stressing about “being a virgin”. Virginity is a concept, made up because somehow society thought it is cool to make girls feel ashamed that their sexual beings and slut shame them for having sex. Still don’t believe me? Check out the video down below.

3. If you show that you’re interested in someone in a romantic way (text him (or her), ask him out etc), you’re intrusive and desperate. Damn. Since when it is a shame to show your real feelings? It’s rather a shame to lie to someone about it or not tell it because you’re so afraid to be desperate. And there it is – most of the women in this world believe that showing affection is objectionable. What the f*ck? If you like someone, show that person, tell him (or her). Sure, you shouldn’t bombard them with long and/or a lot of texts. (Example below.)

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But if you feel something, say it in a normal way, be brave. If you don’t do that, you’re just playing games with someone. You don’t know what this person wants, he doesn’t know what you want and this kind of “relationship” is just one big mindfuck. In the end this, what could’ve been nice relationship, is just ruined and all of that happened because you didn’t talk. We all want to look so untouchable, hoping that someone for no reason will start fighting for us. No, that’s not, how relationship works. Even though many people hate Nicole Arbour, I dare to quote her: “If you actually want a real relationship, we have to stop playing f*cking games!” She might be one of the most scandalous (mostly in a bad way) youtubers but what she said about relationships in the video down below is actually right.

So here you go, I hope that now you have something to think about it and you will ease your own life by not believing myths, created by society.

P.S. No, I’m not happy that Nicole Arbour abused her boyfriend (at least that’s what people on the internet are talking) but some of her videos are actually great.

 

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Real life idol of my childhood.

When we were younger, we all used to be obsessed with famous people we saw on TV or magazines. I was pretty much the same but my biggest idol of all actually was a person I knew in real life. I’ve always like complicated people, kind of outsiders and she was one of them. In that period of life when I was about 8 or 9 years old, I didn’t get along with my parents very well, I was actually afraid of them (because of bad grades etc.), so I automatically started to search for a woman, who I could admire. I didn’t even need to look far – she was the teacher in musical school.

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When I first saw her, I thought she was beautiful. She had blonde, bleached hair and blue eyes. This teacher had mostly blue, red, black or white clothes. No, she wasn’t petite and wasn’t always polite but there was something about her. I looked at her kind of the same way little girls used to look at their favourite actresses or singers (so you don’t get me wrong and don’t interpretate this as some other kind of weird interest). I guess, she was in her late 30’ies back then. When she started teaching, I was still amazed by her as a person. She had unique laugh and compliment about something done great from her was very special. I can’t really remember what I saw in her back then because last time I saw her was many years ago. Weird thing about this great teacher (as I saw her) was that people didn’t like her. Students hated her because of her bad mood swings and adults hated her because they thought she wasn’t a nice person. She was, most of the times and I actually became a favourite student of hers. I never talked much, did everything as good as I could and felt thankful for every good grade. I remember the time she helped me with one of my first pieces of music for the composition contest or something. I was shy, little girl, sitting by the piano, too afraid to sing but I played the piece. That was one of the first times someone noticed me. Of course, there were many students, way older than me, who played a lot better than I did but it didn’t matter at that time. Only thing that mattered was – she could be proud of me. And those times I participated in choir, I used to sing from all my heart and I really enjoyed that. I got noticed by her and that was probably the first time in my life I felt special and not invisible, not wothless. Also, she was pretty good at singing and playing the piano and when she did that, it was visible that she like what she is doing.

Few years later she left musical school and after a year or so high school, too. Maybe she was a little mental or maybe people just didn’t like her. I will never know for sure but I will always respect her because was probably the first person, who teached so good that I actually started to like music, even music theory. Even though she has moved to another country and changed her life completely, she will always be in my memory and I will forever glad that I had a chance to met her.

Do you remember having your own real life known childhood idols? Tell me about it in comments.:)

 

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

 

Angels and devils -the complete truth about him.

Ten years ago I was that little girl, who wanted to ask to older people: “How do you know you really love someone?” But now I’m not her anymore, I know it myself. All this time I thought that when you realize you truly love someone, it’s beautiful and this person loves you back. It’s a myth. Sometimes love is an ugly mess, you look to the world and it’s almost like you’ve gone colour blind. It’s all black, white and grey, and nothing really matters without this person. No, this time I do not mean emotional addiction to someone. I don’t need to be valued by him every day, I just need to feel him near. He was all the good I could imagine in one person. A little cheeky, careless, yes, but he was good. The angelic type of boy – not so much in his behaviour but mostly in his attitude towards me.That’s what I loved and what I miss the most because no other guy treated me this way. He made me felt safe, comfortable and like myself. And now I’m out in big, crazy world all alone. There’s no one, who would give such good advice, understand my fears and calm me down like he could. This must be love, mustn’t it? With no sexual contact whatsoever I feel attached to him an I just can’t help it.

Just to make this picture clearer, I will show devilish kind of boy. He seems like a good, just scared and broken person at first. He had bad times in his life and they made him the person he is now. I thought he was fragile, so I respected him and did everything not to hurt him. You know what happened? He hurt me. From this nice person, who could heal the scars in my soul, he turned to disrespectful guy, who cut even more scars in it. Everything I said or believed in was ridiculous, funny or wrong, everything that went wrong in our friendship/relationship (?) was my fault and his. That’s how I realized he’s the devil. Even though we had good moments in this not defined kind of relationship, it was mainly shit. He was arrogant jerk and I was humble. I thought that most of the times he was right about everything, not me. I did everything for him to love and respect me but it wasn’t enough for him. So I cut him out of my life because if you don’t like something in a relationship and you can’t talk it out, it’s not worth it. This person doesn’t care about your feelings and wants to keep treating you like shit. He breaks you piece by piece and you lose yourself because you think it’s all for the sake of love. It isn’t. You are just broken and want to be loved but he won’t love you. Someone will but he isn’t that someone. Pack your bags and walk away, so you can heal the scars he cut into your soul.

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Now that I explained about two types of guys I had to deal with, I can tell you about the situation today. I’m over the devil, the guy, who hurt me and made me feel  like a worthless freak.If he won’t change himself, I hope we will never meet again. But I’m not over the angel. Maybe my view to him is distorted but he’s the best thing that happened to me. He filled my life with so much happiness back then, I will never be able to fully thank him. (Or thank him at all because he avoids my phone calls and texts.) And I was never more happy until November 18th . I really believed his words and I thought it will finally happen the way I dreamed of it since I first met him. I hoped I will be able to hold his hand in mine, kiss his warm lips, fall asleep in his arms, go for a walk with him late at night, dance to our favourite songs and laugh while watching silly comedies. Most of that didn’t happen, not even his promised kiss. And I don’t get it, I just don’t get, how you can have such nice phone conversation with someone, who just told you she wants to be more than friends with you, you lie to her about giving a chance and then just leave her. Not a word, no explanation at all, just leave and ignore forever, leaving her heart on the ground. And keep living, like none of those conversations happened, like you never knew her. All I want to ask to you is just: “Was it easy? To leave me hanging like this? To break my heart when I  always wished all the best for you?” After three months of not sending a message or calling him (except one text message, sending him: “Hey. Happy birthday…”), the way I feel still hasn’t changed. I still try to figure out what went wrong even it’s no use, I still cry at nights and days, thinking about how beautifully started the relationship I always dreamed of. Maybe it’s pathetic but I can’t help myself. I just can’t do other things and forget every moment he made me smile, I just can’t fall in love with someone else when he’s forever in my heart. That’s the worst part – not being able to keep living like I used to. Thinking about him whenever one of his favourite songs starts playing, whenever I walk down the street we walked that night, whenever I see a movie that makes me cry, I remember about him. What I hate the most is that I don’t hate him, not even a little bit. Instead of that I love him with all that I have and, no matter how logical or human like it would be to wish to him all the worst, I don’t wish him that. Maybe it doesn’t matter, if he is still in my life or not, I can still truly love him and I do. Not that he’ll ever know but now I know and I have finally admitted that to myself. Maybe one day this heartache will be over and I will be able to live without him like managed to live without me.

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xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

 

Am I a writer?

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Even since I was a little girl, I read books a lot. Thick, serious books for that age. I really loved to read but I had no idea that it will ever lead me to desire to write something. So here I am, many years later and desire to write is growing, sometimes it is as irresistible as need to eat or sleep. It’s just who I am and I enjoy it a lot. No, I don’t give up on being a musican but writing is my second biggest passion. As an introvert, I don’t talk much in real life with most people but I have a lot to say and there’s always something on my mind. The thing is – there isn’t always right circle of people, who would want to listen to me and relate to what I am saying. If I would try to talk to most of my schoolmates about something I write on my blog, they wouldn’t understand a thing. Why am I even telling this? Because writing is on my mind lately a lot and compliments from two of my teachers about great eassays just motivate me to keep writing.

My main reason why I write – this is how I can finally talk to people and be heard. That’s why I own a blog and than more I post on here, than more proud of it I am. Writing has really improved my life and I don’t feel unheard and ignored anymore. Maybe in real life I still get ignored a lot but I have no wish to try and talk to these people. These are just ponderings about the writing topic and for now that’s all. I will write more when I will have something more to say. Because, honestly, there’s nothing worse than talking and writing when you have nothing to say and your mind is just a blank space. Be inspired, find the best way for you to express yourself !

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

7 things professional musicans will never tell you

Musican’s life from other person’s sight might see just great. You just sing/play at concerts, have fun, get paid, everybody loves you, your job doesn’t start every day at 8 o’clock and there are no annoying co-workers. That’s what everyone sees and thinks. The truth is a lot different than that. Here are 7 things professional musicans will never tell you.

1. They didn’t fall in love with what they do from the very beginning. At least most of them. Playing an instrument or singing isn’t a fun game. It takes a lot of practice & patience before you learn something that you can play/sing without everyone in the room frowning. It takes at least four years until musican is able to perform good enough and knows what to do and what not to do.

2. It takes as much energy as every other job. The fact that you don’t move around all the time or use chemistry or math in everyday life, doesn’t mean you don’t work that hard. Musicans learn to control their bodies in first place. If you don’t do a certain thing, it won’t sound they way it should sound. Learning how to use and move hands, fingers and other body parts takes a lot of time (months, years).

3. Yes, they thought about quitting way too many times. Being a musican isn’t all pink and rosy. There’s always  someone better than you, someone you have to compete with, so you might have moments when you think you can’t do it and you’re not good enough.  You might lack energy or/and inspiration or/and knowledge and get stuck. You might constantly be put down by teachers and other better (?) musicans. It really hurts and destroys every wish to continue what you were doing.

4. They have to work a A LOT and it’s even more tiring than, for example, being a cashier in a shop. No offense but it’s kinda true. Professional musicans need to work from 6 to 12 hours a day mostly with their brain. Besides, we don’t have holidays at all. It doesn’t matter if it’s Tuesday or Sunday, it still means working at least 6 hours until we drop. You already know, how hard is to be a student. Now imagine, how it is to study music. Tiring, so damn tiring.

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5. They don’t listen to classical (or whatever gendre music they perform) all the time and they don’t always love it. Surprise to you, huh? But it’s true. The fact that we are, for example, classical musicans, doesn’t mean that we love all classical music, that we think that all orchestra music is so brilliant etc. You can easily find classical musican in a rock, country or folk music concert. Because it’s not as much about the music as it is about the way it’s performed. The style of the music doesn’t matter, matters, how much of your soul you put into it.

6. Not all contests are fair and show, how good musican someone is. Once more I made sure of it today. Almost got disqualified because I didn’t fit in time limit and my performance was few minutes too long (including pause between pieces and time when I was tuning my guitar). Instead of being disqualified from the contest (which cost me 15 euros just to participate plus living and travelling costs), I lost three points and get no place. It’s all because time not because my performance was bad. There are also contests with big prices run for musicans that are familiar with jury. The rest of us aren’t even able to participate, ignoring the fact that this contest counts as international.

7. You need to be emotional, yet a little tough and with strong character to survive in music world. If you’re not emotional, you won’t be able to perform good enough and move the audience. If you’re not tough enough, you won’t survive, will give up and cry somewhere in the corner. That’s the coin with two sides – it’s hard to be both of those things. A lot of people can’t do it and give up forever.

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Now, when I shocked you and scared you to death, I want to tell than in the end it’s worth it. There’s nothing better than the feeling after a great performance, hearing the applause and thinking: “I really did it.” I remember the first time I played with chamber orchestra. That was unforgettable, one of the most beautiful moments in my whole life. Maybe it’s worth to go through hell I described before, if later a lot of people will admire the music we perform. Not everyone can be great musican and only strongest ones of those, who have knowledge, passion and patience, can become great musicans. For me it’s the only way I will finally be able to prove myself and the whole world that I am special. With my guitar in hands I feel powerful and I’m not that little girl with low self esteem, I always felt like I was. I finally am brave, unique and I will get the whole world to see me and listen to the music I perform. Just watch me.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

I’m different…

All I want is to feel alive. But I only feel dead inside. Great emotions, love, adventures – it makes people feel alive. But routine, disappointmentsclose people deaths, bullying and lack of respect and love from those, who you thought were your friends, makes you feel dead inside. I’m different, I know. I don’t talk much because I dislike or even hate most people. I hate those, who are evil, disrespectful and dumb. I still have no idea, what have I done to deserve this kind of attitude. It doesn’t matter if it is romantic relationship or just friendship, I give myself all to this person. I’m ready to overswim an ocean, walk on hot … if he/she needs me. But honestly, I’ve never ever met a person, who would do the same for me and that’s the reason I’m giving up on my “friends”. They ain’t worth shit, if they don’t ask me during the day, how I feel, give full attention to me and only talk about themselves. Everytime someone starts talking non stop about themselves, I bitterly think: “It’s all about you, isn’t it? It’s you that matter not me. I have to understand you and support you but the day I will get support from you, will never come.”

I’m pretty sure I’m about five times more emotional than most people.  Even little things life ignored text messages when I need them, laughing about my beliefs, not asking, how I feel, not listening to me, hurt. It really does. When life gets hard, 98% of the time I have to deal with it by myself. There is not a single person, who I could talk to, so I just cry my eyes out when no one sees and try to sleep the sadness away. Most of the time I hate to leave my house to be with people. I’m tired of the noise they make, I’m tired of them being heartless, vengeful and envious. I’m not like them and I will never be. I will always feel more intense, wish all the best for those I care. Sadly there’s a tragic part too – it ruins me. Being good to people ruins me because they rarely appreciate it and do something good to me. When serious friendships and relationships end, I’m always the one, licking my scars and the other person just leaves like nothing ever happened. Because I’m just an empty place to most people. And then they wonder, why I don’t talk and don’t want to hang out.

I’m don’t want to be hurt and dead inside. I’ll rather sit alone at home with cup of hot tea, some tasty food and paint, write in my blog or watch some great movie. Sue me but people don’t matter to me as much as things I can do. My goal doesn’t include having friends or being in a relationship anymore. It includes being great at music, creating as much and as creative as possible artworks and trying new, breathtaking (probably extreme) things. I’m not a damn slave to anyone. If someone doesn’t appreciate my friendship, I will leave and not apologize for it. If someone really wants me in his/her life, this person has to try harder. Here’s the life lesson people – you don’t have to keep putting effort in a relationship when other person doesn’t do it as much or doesn’t do it at all. They can go fuck themselves. They don’t deserve you and you shouldn’t apologize or worry, how they are now without you. It’s their loss. Somethimes it’s really better to be alone, so you can properly heal yourself and keep living.

P.s. I needed to share this song to you. It’s perfect.❤

 

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

When PE lessons aren’t healthy anymore.

In school there are always two types of people – those, who hate PE for different reasons and those, who are good at it and love it. Until 6th or 7th grade I was first type. After that I realized that I really need to get in shape, started my fitness journey and PE wasn’t big, bad wolf to me anymore. I even start to enjoy it. Except running and rope jumping, those two literally killed me and kinda still do. When I finished elementary school, I moved to city and changed school. Little did I know, it was somehow for the worst.

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Out PE teacher is 70+ years old man and at first I even enjoyed PE because we did more exercises like squats, pushups, situps etc than in my first school. I knew that it’s okay to have a little sore muscles afterwards but what I noticed  later was worse than that. Pain in those body parts where it shouldn’t be. Different kind of pain, not similar to that kind I had before after PE lessons. As a musican, I’m not obsessed with sports and I don’t know, how to do right every single exercise. Hands are the most important body parts for me that shouldn’t ever hurt because pain might disturb me from playing the guitar. I suck at volleyball, I really do and when I play it, I know that my hands or fingers will hurt afterwards because it’s hard to escape from injuries. Many times I noticed that my forearms hurt.

Other thing that hurt me bad was this exercise  where he told us to sit on a bench, hands behind head and lean back. Someone sure held our legs but still he didn’t completely explain, how to do and how NOT TO DO this exercise. As a result, when finished doing this, I felt dizzy, my head hurt and my back hurt, too. When I woke up next day, I could barely move. My lower back hurt as hell. Later I talked to my mum, who is a doctor and she explained that I was doing this exercise wrong. What I’m trying to say is – PE lessons can be dangerous when teacher doesn’t explain completely, how to do something and doesn’t watch us carefully, to make sure we are doing everything right. Working out in fitness club/gym is safer because gym coach explain everything very detailed and keeps an eye on you while you work out. So be careful, people. If you can’t talk to teacher to make things better, just don’t do what feels wrong because it might turn out really bad.

Also I want to mention one last thing I hate in our school’s PE lessons. Everything has to be done fast – pistol squats, situps, squats, everything. It’s not about how good you do it, it’s about how fast you do it. For example, most or even all of my classmates are doing squats on tiptoe. Who the hell does that? It doesn’t even work on the same muscles then. Actually I’m really mad. Mad about the fact that PE teacher doesn’t give a crap about our well being, even though he’s the one, who should do it the most. So I roll my eyes and mentally raise middle finger to all those teachers, who don’t care about teaching right, who think it’s okay to insult students and don’t like their job. Fuck you, I’m out.

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P.S. You would be as mad as me, too if you’d have to experience that kind of back pain I had. It lasted 3 days and it was hell.

 

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.