You know you’re an adult when…

I really hate that a person counts as an adult only when he’s at least eighteen. Honestly, the fact that you can buy cigarettes and alcochol legally, get a job and watch porn legally doesn’t mean anything. You still might behave like a child and not be independent. Here’s a list of things that really make you an adult.


  • Taking out your trash and washing dishes regularly isn’t a problem to you anymore.
  • You are not afraid to live alone and know, how to act in certain situations.
  • You can cook. (I’m not talking about sandwiches and cooking dumplings you just bough at the marker but real food.)
  • You know how to compromise.
  • You learn from your mistakes.
  • You are thankful for what you already have.
  • You don’t let your anger out on everyone, who doesn’t deserve it.
  • You know how to cheer up and motivate people.
  • You love helping people.
  • You have strong willpower and you do what you need to do even if you don’t want to.
  • You can take care of your plant or/and pet, if you have one.
  • You don’t say anything when you have nothing to say.
  • You are a great listener.
  • You are honest and don’t toy with feelings of others.
  • You can overcome cravings for chips, burgers and most fast food daily.
  • You are passionate about your job and career.
  • You don’t think that you need your significant other because you’re incomplete.
  • You don’t worry, if and when you will lose/lost your virginity. (Stop making such a big deal of vaginal sex. It’s not like after doing it you’ll magically turn into a better, cooler person. You’re still you.)
  • You are not afraid to share your opinion, even if it’s different than others’.
  • You don’t beat yourself up after every time you fail. You just figure out why it didn’t work out and keep going the right way.
  • You are not afraid of your feelings. (It doesn’t mean you have to say “I love you” to everyone you have a crush on. It just means being honest and brave enough to say what you feel.)
  • You realize that everything you’ve been through has made the best version of you that ever existed.
  • You are not afraid to go out of your comfort zone. (Go to the gym, for example.)
  • You help making world a better place. (Even those few times when you tried to explain homework to your classmate, counts.)
  • You can accept people even if their opinion, lifestyle, orientation, religion or race doesn’t match yours.

In general, I guess, that’s all. Let me know, if I forgot something important and mention it in comments! Also a question for you after reading this – are you an adult already? If not, there’s still a chance to improve yourself. It’s too late only when you’re dead.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

I hate the world they gave me.

Warning! Before I start this post, if you’re alergic to truth and negativity, don’t read this post.

This day was pretty bad. Just another one for realizing again and again that world is pretty messed up. And it is, I’m not lying. The natural condition of things is changed way more than it should. No wonder we’re expecting The World to end somewhen soon. So here’s the some things I just can’t deal with. They’re way too messed up and ruining everyone’s lives.


Depression is something to make fun of. When you have sore throat, no one laughs about it but when you’re depressed and cutting, it is treated as a joke. I will never get this. Just because there few people in this world, who think that cutting is cool and almost a fashion trend, it is not fair to laugh about those, who are crying for help. Cutting is something you should hide from everyone because they think it’s funny. I have to ask: “What is wrong with society?” The reason for high level of sucides probably is making fun of everyone depressed and sucidal. They already feel bad about themselves, they hate themselves but but if you just laugh in their faces, you are a little shit. (I do not apologize for that.) I’ve been depressed for a long time and had a problem with self harm in past, so don’t you dare to treat me or anyone else, who’s dealing with this like a joke.

You’re only great, if you brag about it a lot and work less. The truth is, geniuses are often unseen and underrated. One thing that society will never understand – if you’re talented, you don’t need to brag. Your actions speak louder than words. Bad thing is no one really listens, so they don’t notice geniuses. People are blinded by faked success. They can’t think rationally anymore. That’s why life seems even more unfair to those, who work but their work never seems to be noticed.

People get bullied with no reason. We can’t choose, how we look, laugh or talk. We can’t choose what we will be good at and what not. Stop making people miserable.


If you’re an introvert, people consider you as shy, ignore you and never take you seriously. Mostly this happens in schools. It sucks to sit in the corner, feel how people are looking anywhere but at you and are listening to everything except you. You may have great ideas but it’s no need to speak them. No one listens you anyway. Just because I’m an introvert and I don’t talk much, it doesn’t mean you can treat me and other people like me like were less of a something that others. Sad thing is – at first they think you’re just quiet, then they ignore your opinion and at the end they don’t talk to you at all. No even say hi. That is one shitty situation and I really have hard time dealing with it.

Adults act like little children. Sometimes it seems like no one ever grows up. It doesn’t really matter if you’re six, sixteen or twenty-six, most people still have tendency to no talk things out, avoid compromises and fight a lot. Why do you think wars do happen? I get it, you want one theritory but why you can’t just compromise and do what’s best for both/all sides? I will never understand this. And soldiers – they are considered as heroes but at the same time people, who just kill people are killers. How does that count fair? Participating in war is still killing, it’s actually mass murders. People create a problem out of nowhere and then try to solve it by killing each other. It makes no sense to me at all. You don’t know this person, he probably has a family, who loves him but you just shoot him. At the end in war no one really wins, it’s pointless. People get killed and for what? Money and theritory. Homo sapiens isn’t really smarter than everyone before him, he’s just as dumb


Only rare people from us all notice the true stituation in world which is not good at all. Too bad were not enough to change something.


xoxo, Porcelain Doll.


Real life experiment: are you really my friend?

I remember, when I was in elementary school, teacher gave us task to line up life values from most important to least important. I put friends in the very first place. I guess, that has to say a lot about me. More than anything I appreciate people, who are with me no matter what, who love me for who I am. For a long time I thought that all people I’m in regular contact with adnd have great conversations with, are really my friends. I was wrong, so wrong.


When I had one of those moments when I feel miserable, helpless and like a total zero, I texted few people I thought were my closest friends. I just couldn’t stop crying and put myself together alone. You know, how many of them found I time to talk to me? None. Either they were too busy in their own lives, either they just ignored me without no explanation. First type of “friends” let me know about their existence only when they have a time and a wish to talk to me. That doesn’t happen very often. Second type of “friends” can ignore me for days, even weeks, then suddenly call or text me, talk like everything is okay and after that disappear again. The fact that all of them had no interested of how I feel made me feel even more shitty. I couldn’t do anything at all, so I went to bed but fell asleep only at 2:30 a.m.


Next day I talked to acquaintance, who is studying pshychology. Her answer to all this was rough but sincere: “Either you can cry, feel like shit because them and nothing will ever change that, either you can concentrate to self improvement.” First I was like:” How can I just deal with the fact that I have no one to talk to, no one at all?” But then I understood. I need to listen to what my mind is saying. Then the idea was born. I will stop crying, keep reaching for my goals and stop running after people, who have no interest in me at all. I do not deserve to feel like shit. I did nothing wrong. In fact, I was honest, supportive, open and a great friend. If someone can’t appreciate that, it’s their fault and it has nothing at all to do with me. One of the last things my grandma said to me was: “Be proud of yourself.” Those four words can be applied to so many situations. In this one I’m just thinking: “I am proud that I am able to be such a good friend and I am able to love so deeply. Someone somewhen will appreciate it for sure.”


Right now my challenge for myself is not to text or call anyone unless it’s about school or activities that I should know about. Until this moment my experiment has one positive result – one true friend. Not much but it’s something. I’d rather have one real friend that bunch of fake ones. And now I feel grateful that she is my friend. A real one – not one of those, who just pretend to be interested and ask you questions just to be polite. What’s up with other ones? Let’s see. I was so busy cleaning my house that I didn’t realize my friend list should experience some cleaning, too. So this is my way of making sure that people closest to me are really my friends. Friends aren’t needed so you could say that you have ten or twenty of them, they are needed for SOS moments when you’re crumbling, when you need to get inspired or just some joy in your life. I don’t even need everyday texts, I just need to make sure that my friends are real and truly care about me.

I hope this post will make you overthink your friendships and make the right decisions. If you have anything to say, comment below, I will gladly read it.


xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

My first time…

I’ve always thought that this would be really scary, uncomfortable experience, when you can’t stop being ashamed about your body and can’t concentrate to the process. I was wrong.  Now, when I’ve probably fooled you and you thought this post is gonna be about sex, I’m gonna disappoint you. It’s about my first time at the gym. Which probably scared me a lot more than any sexual actions.

Two weeks ago I’ve tried aerobics which was a big disappointment for me and when the activity finally ended, I just felt more insecure about my body than ever. During whole process our couch, who was woman in her fifties didn’t say anything good at all. No “Good job! Keep going!” or whatever. Just constant notes what’s not right jet. Also, it was high intensity training, so I died a little while doing this. After few hours of thinking, was it really worth it, I decided not to show up there anymore. I didn’t want to feel like shit about myself even more.

On Monday, now with other friend by my side I went to the gym. At first it seemed like the wrong place for me. Loud rock music and dudes with big muscles scared me for real. The we just went straight to registration, took our locker keys and training plan, got dressed. We started with some cardio (12 minutes). Afterwards  we found a coach, who explained everything very well and actually was very nice. Some cardio at the end and that’s it. In general I loved it. Friendly atmosphere, all the equipment you need, good prices… Only thing I hate is muscle pain the next few days. But I guess, I have to deal with it. What I wanted to say with this – gym isn’t that scary place. Here are some myths that all (or most) gym virgins do believe in.

  • Weights are only for men. Wrong. Sure, you don’t have to lift 50 kg or more but 5 or 10 in some cases are okay. Besides – about 40% people, who go to gym are women.
  • I’m not strong enough. Wrong. That’s why you get there, to improve yourself.
  • Coach or/and more experienced people in the gym are rude, unwelcoming. Actually, that’s not true. They love newbies and to give advice when needed.
  • I can get the same results with home workouts. Maybe a little part of it but it’s better to attend gym. Music, coach and other people in gym are big motivation. No need to ask yourself: “Why am I doing this?” Besides, you don’t have to worry that you’re doing something wrong or that it won’t bring you desired results.
  • It’s hard to find time for gym. It’s actually easier to find time for it than for home workouts. You get it done more quickly and don’t let yourself to be lazy.


So go ahead, start going to the gym! If I could do it, you can do it, too. To those, who already go to the gym regularly – tell me about your first gym experience in the comments!


xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Reminder: guys ain’t tools.

Hello, dear followers! Best wishes for this year because 2016 is gonna be magical, I can feel it. :) So let’s finally start with first post this year in my blog!
From early childhood my view to males was bad (to not say more). I had been fed with stereotypes and terrible experience so much that it gradually started to ruin my life. All that long time when I went to kindergarten and elementary school, boys were mean to me. All if them, except few. Those few were my partners at the playground, where we shared toy cars. Basically, I either really enjoyed their existence near me or hated their guts. When I finally graduated from elementary school, I thought guys are just mean creatures with penises, who eat a lot and have no feelings at all.
At the same time, I got wrong way to guys from movies. Yeah, I’m talking about those romantic cliche comedies, where The One is perfect in every possible way. He always wears nice suits, deals with all your bullshit, takes you to fancy dates and never leaves you. That is so not true. I sympathize all those women, who live, trying to find perfect man. The One does exist (shocker!) but he’s not gonna be the way you expected him to be. If you’re lucky, he will have those dreamy eyes you imagined. But he probably won’t have perfect body, he will be tall and slim or in your height but without muscles that models have. He will give the best hugs and change you for the best but sometimes he will be caprise and annoying.

Now you have a question: “How did she become from a girl, who hates most guys to someone, who knows, who is The One? Maybe I already met him. Maybe the guy, who I saw as a frog, is actually a prince. All those years I’ve been bullied, lied to and ignored my guys so much that I started to expect it from every male and lost all belief that they are really not that different. We all are human, we all have feelings even if it’s sometimes hard to make sure they even exist. So  – in the end, guys ain’t tools. After 11 months, two days ago I met him again. “It was just a joke, I didn’t mean it like that.” He said to me, giving a short glance before looking ar the road again. “All those fights happened because you took it too personaly.” And at that moment everything fell into right places. Just because his sense of humor was hard to understand, didn’t mean that we can’t be friends or something more. I was a bitch to him before, I got mad and told him to go to hell. I, didn’t think about all the situation from his point of view. It was just him, being the way he is. I expected him to be perfect and it was wrong. I thought that The One is pretty much perfect, that I will never have to argue with him. Person can’t be perfect in general but he can be perfect to me. All those flaws makes him a masterpiece. Please, don’t expect to get together with a perfect person. Even if you could find one, you would get bored. His flaws make you love him and all the challenges in relationship makes you both grow stronger.

I don’t expect The One, who lives only on TV screen no more but I still believe that The One exists. I don’t need fancy dates, I’m fine with listening to music, laying on my couch, drinking beer and talking about life. After all these years I start to believe that reality actually might be better that romantic movies and fairytales, and my real life prince, who wears red pants & listens to Parov Stellar will always be more special than cheesy movie character.

P.s. I apologize, if this post looks messy. Writing from my phone isn’t really my thing.

Xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

The day I lost my fitness motivation.

I’ve had my ups and downs while getting in shape but it never was super tragic… until this. That moment when I started questioning myself, do I even need to exercise, was the worst. All the sweets and pizzas suddenly became twice as tempting and it was hard to keep up the daily routine. When you finally get that slim 63 cm waist, there comes the routine. Stupid questions like “How many days I can skip working out and not gain weight?” started popping in my head. Sure, seeing Jen Selter’s gorgeous body on my Instagram feed still is something to say “wow” about but it doesn’t feel like a realistic motivation at all. She’s a fitness professional what I and most of people, who are busy with their careers, never be. I will never have super big butt, I will never drink protein shakes and have a six pack.

Scroling down on fitness apps on Google Play Store (it’s also on iTunes but I don’t know, how good it works there), I found PumpUp. Let me tell you about this thing – not because someone told me to advertise it or something but because I’m simply obsessed with it.


  • You can post your fitness progress pictures there the same way you did on Instagram but no one is gonna shame your body or say that showing abs is way too sexual or something.
  • You can follow real people on their fitness journeys and they are not perfect but they have the same goal as you.
  • You can create your own workout program or use someone elses and burn those calories.
  • You can log your fitness activities like running, cycling, cheerleading and a lot more.
  • You can set your weight goal and track your weight.


I’m glad I found this app because it really helped me to get out of my routine and find a motivation. I just wish it had a chat or something. But in every other way – I recommend this to you all. It doesn’t matter if you’re a beginner or professional, busy or not that busy – it’s great way to keep yourself being active.

Have a nice day, people! Stay active! 


xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

I’ll take the blame.

Honestly, whenever something bad happened that was associated with me, almost all of the times I blamed myself. And why not? Even smallest things can make change and maybe some small but bad things I did in the past, caused this. You can never know. But the worst thing about this blaming thing is – it makes me feel super anxieous, sad and underrated. Living with this feeling that most of the things might be my fault is a nightmare.


It started when I was a little girl. I am the only child in our family which means youngest person in whole family. Just like that, everyone always thinks that little kids cause a lot of trouble. So, whenever someone broke something or lost something, they first used to think that it was me. In those moments when it was really me, who caused the trouble, they got furious and yelled at me, sometimes spanked me. Since that I started to feel way too guilty about things I did and guilty about those ones that I didn’t even cause. But that wasn’t the only part, just smallest one.

Like I’ve mentioned somewhen before, I was bullied all the time in elementary school. Almost all of these times teachers couldn’t or wouldn’t do anything about it. Whenever someone called me in bad words and broke my stuff, and I punched them in a face (or something), it was my fault. I should’ve just ignore them. I was called ugly, fat and stupid so much I started to believe it and started to think that it’s my fault, that I’m being bullied. That was the biggest part. Now, let’s get back to this very moment.


It’s ruining my life – the feeling that I should blame myself for everything. When someone starts ignoring me and doesn’t want to talk things out, it’s my fault. When someone gets offended even though I just said the truth without being rude, I need to apologize. Whenever I argue with someone but wasn’t the one, who started it, I apologize. Maybe apologizing wouldn’t be such bad thing if people would really appreciate it. But they don’t. They continue pointing at me and calling me guilty or leave me.

I am not a bad person, I never was one. If I ever act heartless, it’s because people never appreciated my good heart. They just shattered it, spit on it and walk over about thousand times. I start to feel like shit. There are people, who really matter to me, so much that it brings tears. When they can’t find even five minutes a day to text me that their day is going fine and ask about mine, it hurts. When they’re cold hearted, it hurts, too and I instantly start blaming myself that maybe it’s my fault that I can’t melt the ice around their hearts.


Oh well, whatever, I guess I’m never gonna change. But it just hurts as hell when you do everything for someone and he doesn’t appriciate it, doesn’t do anything for me… And who’s fault is it? I say: “Mine.” It will always feel like it is mine, even if it’s not. I’m sorry for saying “I’m sorry too much” but sometimes I really wish, I could do something and most of the bad stuff would never happen.



xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Life goals?

When I was little, for a long time I used to think that my life goals were the same as for most of people – get married and have kids before I turn 30, get a job that I would like and earn enough. When I grew older, I realized that it is completely different. I really don’t care about having my kids. People often ask: “But what will remind others of you after your death?” I think, writing my name in music history is enough. My goal isn’t to be remembered as a great mother or loving wife but as a person, who reached a lot in her career, who from small town girl become a great musican, who performed in all greatest concert halls in world. I want to make memories with loud applause, smile on my face and moments when I’m close to tears while performing. I want to show the world what I can and who I am. I want to make everyone, who helped me through this journey and myself proud. This is what I want.


I want to travel the world and perform. If I’ll ever be too tired to keep going, I’ll take a break to play just for myself and make bigger progress. I wish, I could show myself, how much I can achieve and others, how possible it is for them to reach their goal. Sure, it takes hours of hard work and bunch of money but if we really want it, we will find a way. We will work hard until we can’t continue because there’s no more energy left for the day. We will find a way to earn a money to achieve our dreams.

Call me a fool but soon you’ll see me there, on some big stage with shining eyes and the guitar in my hand. I’m gonna be crazy and say that it’s not only possible but it will happen for sure. Just like Andrew in movie “Whiplash” said: “I wanna be one of the greats.” And I will be, just watch me.


By the way, what are your life goals?

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Letter to all good girls, who guys never appreciated.

Dear good, loyal girls in this whole world! 

Instead of feeling sorry for myself because the guy I really care about, doesn’t seem to care about me as half as much, I decided to write this. I know, I’m not the only one, who can’t stop the tears from falling at night. I, just like you, have been raised with the thought that there is The One in this world, with who you will get married and live happily after, that your loyalty and kindness will be appreciated. My mum always thought me that if I’ll be this way, I will more likely get into a serious relationship, which will turn into marriage.


Here I am – seventeen years old and I’m not sure I believe this fairytale anymore. You probably now say: “Girl, you’re still a child! What relationships? Grow up first!” But, as told, age is just a number. I know very well that relationships are not all about sex. The person, who is with you, doesn’t leave you when you’re down, he/she supports you, helps you to improve yourself and to realize, how blessed you are that you can love. Now I am pretty sure that I want this, I want serious relationship because I want to feel deeply loved, I want to be with someone, who will fall and rise with me, who will never give up on me. Also, I am ready to do the same for this person – I am not afraid of problems and fights, I will stay through this with this special person forever. Call me naive and cliche but I still believe in love, the kind of love that has ups and downs but you are ready to die for this person and he/she is ready to do the same for you.

I believe that for you, just like me, this isn’t the first time you want to pity yourself, blame yourself for all the relationships that didn’t work out and ask yourself: “What the hell did I did wrong?” Here’s the thing – you did NOTHING wrong when you cared for this person and did everything you could to make him/her happy. It’s this person, who didn’t appreciate it, who was too blind to see, how pure is your love. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s wonderful that you have ability to love because there are a lot of people with cold hearts that doesn’t have it. You are such a beautiful person inside and out – don’t let this beauty die because some cold hearted jerk couldn’t appreciate it.

Sure, it’s easier to say it than do it but get over it. If he continues to be blind to your love, stop wasting your time. It only hurts you to stay, I know it myself. Moving on can be the hardest thing ever and it can take weeks, months, sometimes even years. Don’t blame yourself, if you fall back into past and try again to knock on someone’s heart’s locked door. It just means you still have faith in people and there is nothing wrong with that. But, as soon as possible, take deep breath and leave. It is possible, believe me, I did it myself. For months it felt like fighting for my first love is the right thing to do. I ignored those tears that kept falling and told myself that he makes me happier than ever. Sure, he did – for some time but at the end he made me much more unhappy than happy.

Be thanful that you’ve had people, who hurt you and didn’t appreciate your love, in your life because you’ve learned from them. Sure, they left scars but made you wiser. No matter what, girl, don’t lose abilty to love and when you love – do it deeply. Sure you can loose but who knows, you can still get everything you’ve ever wanted. Be a romantic, believe in fairytales and they will become true.

P.S. “Some infinities are bigger than other infinities” but I am ready to give all of the infinity I own.


xoxo. Porcelain Doll.


When my life is a mess.

Do you know that feeling, when you see that someone gets everything you dreamed about? I know. When I was younger, I wanted to go to an Art school and be an artist. It never happened to me but it did with my best friend (at that time). I’ve always wanted to seen, I wanted people to notice me and respect me. Did that happen? Of course not. Instead it happened to a lot of people near me, most of them – my friends. And then comes biggest and most painful thing – I wanted a great, functioning relationship with a guy and I really did everything – I supported him, went to visit him, I spent time with him and basically gave him my heart. What do I get? Few text messages a month (mostly) and he still doesn’t completely trust me. I’m still struggling with this guy but I guess, I should give up (again). And then – BAM, most of my friends suddenly out of blue are in a happy realtionships. It’s like a damn curse and I have no idea, how to get rid of it. Worst part is – it feels like life and everyone in it is rubbing it in my face, like it wouldn’t already hurt enough.


Now I feel like a hamster in a wheel and I can’t get out. I guess, I never will and my life turns out to be completely different than I imagined it. I always thought, by the age of 18 I’ll be in a happy relationship, at 23 I’ll get married, at 25 I’ll have my first child… It’s not gonna be that way at all. It feels like I sold my soul… No, not to Satan but to my musical career. I’m already too far to stop this because it will be really big embarrasment then but I’m not far enough to be where I want to be and get what I want to get. I guess, that’s all I’ve left and no matter if my fingers bleed and my tears keep falling, I need to keep going. Friends will leave, trouble will follow but who cares? Maybe I’m destined for it. For a hard path, for sucess, for walking my way to goals alone.

Destiny, do you dare me? Fuck it, I’m ready. I will fall but I will get up, I will cry but my tears will dry. If this is my reason to live, I’m okay with it. I’ll write my name in history.

Some legends are told
Some turn to dust or to gold
But you will remember me
Remember me for centuries…” /Fall Out Boy/

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.