Am I a writer?

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Even since I was a little girl, I read books a lot. Thick, serious books for that age. I really loved to read but I had no idea that it will ever lead me to desire to write something. So here I am, many years later and desire to write is growing, sometimes it is as irresistible as need to eat or sleep. It’s just who I am and I enjoy it a lot. No, I don’t give up on being a musican but writing is my second biggest passion. As an introvert, I don’t talk much in real life with most people but I have a lot to say and there’s always something on my mind. The thing is – there isn’t always right circle of people, who would want to listen to me and relate to what I am saying. If I would try to talk to most of my schoolmates about something I write on my blog, they wouldn’t understand a thing. Why am I even telling this? Because writing is on my mind lately a lot and compliments from two of my teachers about great eassays just motivate me to keep writing.

My main reason why I write – this is how I can finally talk to people and be heard. That’s why I own a blog and than more I post on here, than more proud of it I am. Writing has really improved my life and I don’t feel unheard and ignored anymore. Maybe in real life I still get ignored a lot but I have no wish to try and talk to these people. These are just ponderings about the writing topic and for now that’s all. I will write more when I will have something more to say. Because, honestly, there’s nothing worse than talking and writing when you have nothing to say and your mind is just a blank space. Be inspired, find the best way for you to express yourself !

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

7 things professional musicans will never tell you

Musican’s life from other person’s sight might see just great. You just sing/play at concerts, have fun, get paid, everybody loves you, your job doesn’t start every day at 8 o’clock and there are no annoying co-workers. That’s what everyone sees and thinks. The truth is a lot different than that. Here are 7 things professional musicans will never tell you.

1. They didn’t fall in love with what they do from the very beginning. At least most of them. Playing an instrument or singing isn’t a fun game. It takes a lot of practice & patience before you learn something that you can play/sing without everyone in the room frowning. It takes at least four years until musican is able to perform good enough and knows what to do and what not to do.

2. It takes as much energy as every other job. The fact that you don’t move around all the time or use chemistry or math in everyday life, doesn’t mean you don’t work that hard. Musicans learn to control their bodies in first place. If you don’t do a certain thing, it won’t sound they way it should sound. Learning how to use and move hands, fingers and other body parts takes a lot of time (months, years).

3. Yes, they thought about quitting way too many times. Being a musican isn’t all pink and rosy. There’s always  someone better than you, someone you have to compete with, so you might have moments when you think you can’t do it and you’re not good enough.  You might lack energy or/and inspiration or/and knowledge and get stuck. You might constantly be put down by teachers and other better (?) musicans. It really hurts and destroys every wish to continue what you were doing.

4. They have to work a A LOT and it’s even more tiring than, for example, being a cashier in a shop. No offense but it’s kinda true. Professional musicans need to work from 6 to 12 hours a day mostly with their brain. Besides, we don’t have holidays at all. It doesn’t matter if it’s Tuesday or Sunday, it still means working at least 6 hours until we drop. You already know, how hard is to be a student. Now imagine, how it is to study music. Tiring, so damn tiring.

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5. They don’t listen to classical (or whatever gendre music they perform) all the time and they don’t always love it. Surprise to you, huh? But it’s true. The fact that we are, for example, classical musicans, doesn’t mean that we love all classical music, that we think that all orchestra music is so brilliant etc. You can easily find classical musican in a rock, country or folk music concert. Because it’s not as much about the music as it is about the way it’s performed. The style of the music doesn’t matter, matters, how much of your soul you put into it.

6. Not all contests are fair and show, how good musican someone is. Once more I made sure of it today. Almost got disqualified because I didn’t fit in time limit and my performance was few minutes too long (including pause between pieces and time when I was tuning my guitar). Instead of being disqualified from the contest (which cost me 15 euros just to participate plus living and travelling costs), I lost three points and get no place. It’s all because time not because my performance was bad. There are also contests with big prices run for musicans that are familiar with jury. The rest of us aren’t even able to participate, ignoring the fact that this contest counts as international.

7. You need to be emotional, yet a little tough and with strong character to survive in music world. If you’re not emotional, you won’t be able to perform good enough and move the audience. If you’re not tough enough, you won’t survive, will give up and cry somewhere in the corner. That’s the coin with two sides – it’s hard to be both of those things. A lot of people can’t do it and give up forever.

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Now, when I shocked you and scared you to death, I want to tell than in the end it’s worth it. There’s nothing better than the feeling after a great performance, hearing the applause and thinking: “I really did it.” I remember the first time I played with chamber orchestra. That was unforgettable, one of the most beautiful moments in my whole life. Maybe it’s worth to go through hell I described before, if later a lot of people will admire the music we perform. Not everyone can be great musican and only strongest ones of those, who have knowledge, passion and patience, can become great musicans. For me it’s the only way I will finally be able to prove myself and the whole world that I am special. With my guitar in hands I feel powerful and I’m not that little girl with low self esteem, I always felt like I was. I finally am brave, unique and I will get the whole world to see me and listen to the music I perform. Just watch me.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

I’m different…

All I want is to feel alive. But I only feel dead inside. Great emotions, love, adventures – it makes people feel alive. But routine, disappointmentsclose people deaths, bullying and lack of respect and love from those, who you thought were your friends, makes you feel dead inside. I’m different, I know. I don’t talk much because I dislike or even hate most people. I hate those, who are evil, disrespectful and dumb. I still have no idea, what have I done to deserve this kind of attitude. It doesn’t matter if it is romantic relationship or just friendship, I give myself all to this person. I’m ready to overswim an ocean, walk on hot … if he/she needs me. But honestly, I’ve never ever met a person, who would do the same for me and that’s the reason I’m giving up on my “friends”. They ain’t worth shit, if they don’t ask me during the day, how I feel, give full attention to me and only talk about themselves. Everytime someone starts talking non stop about themselves, I bitterly think: “It’s all about you, isn’t it? It’s you that matter not me. I have to understand you and support you but the day I will get support from you, will never come.”

I’m pretty sure I’m about five times more emotional than most people.  Even little things life ignored text messages when I need them, laughing about my beliefs, not asking, how I feel, not listening to me, hurt. It really does. When life gets hard, 98% of the time I have to deal with it by myself. There is not a single person, who I could talk to, so I just cry my eyes out when no one sees and try to sleep the sadness away. Most of the time I hate to leave my house to be with people. I’m tired of the noise they make, I’m tired of them being heartless, vengeful and envious. I’m not like them and I will never be. I will always feel more intense, wish all the best for those I care. Sadly there’s a tragic part too – it ruins me. Being good to people ruins me because they rarely appreciate it and do something good to me. When serious friendships and relationships end, I’m always the one, licking my scars and the other person just leaves like nothing ever happened. Because I’m just an empty place to most people. And then they wonder, why I don’t talk and don’t want to hang out.

I’m don’t want to be hurt and dead inside. I’ll rather sit alone at home with cup of hot tea, some tasty food and paint, write in my blog or watch some great movie. Sue me but people don’t matter to me as much as things I can do. My goal doesn’t include having friends or being in a relationship anymore. It includes being great at music, creating as much and as creative as possible artworks and trying new, breathtaking (probably extreme) things. I’m not a damn slave to anyone. If someone doesn’t appreciate my friendship, I will leave and not apologize for it. If someone really wants me in his/her life, this person has to try harder. Here’s the life lesson people – you don’t have to keep putting effort in a relationship when other person doesn’t do it as much or doesn’t do it at all. They can go fuck themselves. They don’t deserve you and you shouldn’t apologize or worry, how they are now without you. It’s their loss. Somethimes it’s really better to be alone, so you can properly heal yourself and keep living.

P.s. I needed to share this song to you. It’s perfect.❤

 

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

When PE lessons aren’t healthy anymore.

In school there are always two types of people – those, who hate PE for different reasons and those, who are good at it and love it. Until 6th or 7th grade I was first type. After that I realized that I really need to get in shape, started my fitness journey and PE wasn’t big, bad wolf to me anymore. I even start to enjoy it. Except running and rope jumping, those two literally killed me and kinda still do. When I finished elementary school, I moved to city and changed school. Little did I know, it was somehow for the worst.

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Out PE teacher is 70+ years old man and at first I even enjoyed PE because we did more exercises like squats, pushups, situps etc than in my first school. I knew that it’s okay to have a little sore muscles afterwards but what I noticed  later was worse than that. Pain in those body parts where it shouldn’t be. Different kind of pain, not similar to that kind I had before after PE lessons. As a musican, I’m not obsessed with sports and I don’t know, how to do right every single exercise. Hands are the most important body parts for me that shouldn’t ever hurt because pain might disturb me from playing the guitar. I suck at volleyball, I really do and when I play it, I know that my hands or fingers will hurt afterwards because it’s hard to escape from injuries. Many times I noticed that my forearms hurt.

Other thing that hurt me bad was this exercise  where he told us to sit on a bench, hands behind head and lean back. Someone sure held our legs but still he didn’t completely explain, how to do and how NOT TO DO this exercise. As a result, when finished doing this, I felt dizzy, my head hurt and my back hurt, too. When I woke up next day, I could barely move. My lower back hurt as hell. Later I talked to my mum, who is a doctor and she explained that I was doing this exercise wrong. What I’m trying to say is – PE lessons can be dangerous when teacher doesn’t explain completely, how to do something and doesn’t watch us carefully, to make sure we are doing everything right. Working out in fitness club/gym is safer because gym coach explain everything very detailed and keeps an eye on you while you work out. So be careful, people. If you can’t talk to teacher to make things better, just don’t do what feels wrong because it might turn out really bad.

Also I want to mention one last thing I hate in our school’s PE lessons. Everything has to be done fast – pistol squats, situps, squats, everything. It’s not about how good you do it, it’s about how fast you do it. For example, most or even all of my classmates are doing squats on tiptoe. Who the hell does that? It doesn’t even work on the same muscles then. Actually I’m really mad. Mad about the fact that PE teacher doesn’t give a crap about our well being, even though he’s the one, who should do it the most. So I roll my eyes and mentally raise middle finger to all those teachers, who don’t care about teaching right, who think it’s okay to insult students and don’t like their job. Fuck you, I’m out.

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P.S. You would be as mad as me, too if you’d have to experience that kind of back pain I had. It lasted 3 days and it was hell.

 

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

I want to be “that” woman.

Most of my life, I was trying to find out, who I really want to be. No, I’m not talking about career but about “that” woman in my mind in general, who I am trying to become. Now, at the age of seventeen, my ideal Me is almost finished and I decided to share it with you.

Her style. That woman knows perfect golden line between obscene and boring. She is elegant and sexy, mostly wears black, dark blue, red and purple. In summer she looks totally awesome in white, too. Also she is fit and able to wear most of the things she wants. Unlike most women, she isn’t tanned but keeps her skin in creamy shades. Golden blonde or strawbery blonde, long, wavy hair  is part of that woman’s signature look. And no, red lips isn’t really her thing, pink suits her better. She migh have no more than two tattoos. When it comes to footwear, she usually chooses boots with a low heels or stilettos.

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Her hobbies. She is very artistic, so loves to draw a lot. She also knows, how to enrich her closet with self made things. That woman is also really into psychology, which makes her understand people very well but sometimes even manipulate to get what she wants. And last but not least – she loves music a lot and can play at least one musical instrument.

Her character. She is quiet, ambitious and patient. That woman is ready to do anything to get what she really wants. Career is the most important thing to her but she doesn’t forget her friends and family, too. This woman doesn’t trust most people but is very loyal to those, who let in her life. She is good at giving advice and keeping secrets. She is ready to do a lot for closest people to her. One thing that distinguishes her from a lot of women – she is sarcastic, has a dirty mind and loves a little inappropriate sexual humor. That woman has ability to turn from very womanly and bubbly person to tough and kinda manly by character one. Oh, she knows how to inspire people and is a role model to many women/girls.

I guess, that’s all in general. Do you have “that” woman or man in your mind you have decided to become or already became? Share in comments.:)

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Learning from mistakes.

“Well, I thought you were a good girl.” Our literature teacher says with a smirk, commenting my essay about my thoughts of French literature. And it’s all because I admitted that Charles Baudelaire view is somehow right. Life isn’t life without sins, pain and secret pleasures. Really – what would be the point of living, if everyone would love us, we would get anything we want and never do things wrong? All the bad things in life are like sandpapers, who grind a jewel – a person.. When you do everything right, you don’t learn. Besides – to do everything right every time is against human nature. It’s not possible. We are not robots. Sooner or later we will behave badly. Someone more, someone less but we all do that. To be honest, I don’t understand, why christianity is so much against every single sin. Mistakes are lessons and they usually make us smarter and wiser. (No, I don’t justify murder.)

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Now, about being a good girl… I am not one. I am not a saint at all and not as good as I might look. Yes, I don’t talk a lot but when I do, it’s something meaningful most of the times. That makes everyone think I am a good girl. But good girls believe in God and don’t sin, they never in their lives tried to smoke or drink alcohol. They also always do as they parents say, don’t argue with teachers, don’t date boys, who might be bad for them (or don’t date at all). But I’m not one of them, however I’m not a bad girl either. I realized that there is nothing good about smoking myself. Also, I realized that being cool has nothing to do with how much you can drink. I don’t repeat those mistakes I’ve made, except falling for bad boys but it’s impossible not to do that.  I don’t regret most of the things that I’ve done because, not matter how cliche it sounds, it al has made me a person I am right now.

One more thing I have thought about a lot is forgiveness. “Forgive and forget.” They say. What an inaccurate saying. I’d correct it to “Forgive but don’t forget.” because, again, it’s all about learning from mistakes. Maybe it was my mistake to let a guy, who I thought was really good friend of mine, too close. It was wrong because I fell in love with him but he didn’t fall in love with me. Instead, he just broke my heart and I still can’t get over it. I will still cry some nights because I will never be able to understand what went wrong with our relationship but someday, maybe after month or a year it will be over. It has been a month and four days already, since I last tried to contact him (unsuccessfully). I gave up on doing that because it’s just pattering salt on an open wound. After few days is his birthday. I’ve wished him happy birthday for four last years at least. I’ve decided that this is not gonna be an exception. I’m just gonna text him “Happy birthday.” and that’s all. No asking “How are you?” or lame words about how much he means to me. He doesn’t anymore. But I’m not doing this for him. It’s for myself. Maybe right now I will be able to forgive him and not think about him with hate. No, I won’t forget but in the end, I am a good person. And I still care a little, even if I on’t like to admit it. Maybe I will always care. But that doesn’t matter anymore. It’s time to move on.

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P.S. The challenge I wrote about in my last post has some serious progress. I’ve been walking for a week right now and not using public transportation.

 

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Creative challenge.

Life rule No.1 – if you want to get something new, you mostly likely should get rid of something you already have. We can’t have everything we want but we can choose what we want the most and get that. Simple, isn’t it? So here’s my idea that I’m gonna make come true in my own life.

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My parents aren’t very rich, they earn about the same amount of money average person does. Which means we can’t afford everything that we want and need to get rid of some whims. Just about week earlier I got to know that Muse is going to have a concert in my country. I’m dying to hear them live. Not really obsessed but loving their music enough to go to the concert. Tickets cost 49, 69 and 79 euros, so I started wondering where to get money. I can’t officially work yet because I’m underage  and still go to school, so I decided to spending on something I can  easily live without. Ta-dah! It’s public transportation which actually takes a lot of money. If I buy monthy ticket only for weekdays, it’s 24 euros. If I buy one time tickets, it costs 1.40 euros a day because I need to go to school and back. If I buy a ticket in a bus, it costs 1.60 euros a day. Basically, if I don’t buy monthly ticket for 3 months and get few euros or walk to school and back for 57 days instead of using one time tickets, I can save almost all money for the most expensive ticket (79 euros) .

So this is my idea and I’m challenging myself to make it come true. I will not only save some money for the concert but also walk at least 10000 steps a day which is good for my health (I live about 3 km from my school). By getting rid of one not very bad habbit (going by bus too much not walking), I get money for the concert and do some good for my health. So let’s see how it goes! First day completed.

 

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

 

#freeKesha – rape is not a joke.

I don’t write posts about celebrities on my blog anymore but this one is more about humanty and woman rights, not simple popularity.  I need to speak about this, we all need to speak about this and we need as much people as possible to hear us. A lot of you have probably seen those posts on the Internet about pop singer Kesha and her producer Dr. Luke, who works with Sony. If not, here’s shortened version of the story that happened: Kesha was physically and sexually assaulted by Dr. Luke since she was 18, when she signed the contract with him. He gave her drugs and raped her. She didn’t speak up about it until 2014. After she finally did, she lost rights to release new music and go on tours. Yesterday at court they finally got to her case and Dr. Luke just got away with it because “there wasn’t enough evidence”. In general, that’s what happened. Can you really say it’s fair? Now she is forced to keep working with him. This is heartbreaking.

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If you want to know more about this, here are few more links: 

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Also, #freeKesha is trending on Twitter. Even biggest celebrities like Lady GaGa, Lily Alen, Kelly Clarkson, Halsey and many others are supporting her.

 

Here are petitions:

Go, sign and let’s hope it will make change! You don’t have to be her fan to support this case, you just have to be human. Imagine, if this would happen to you or someone you know! It’s not only about Kesha, it’s abou every raped woman ever, who couldn’t be heard, whose rights were nothing worth. Rape is not a joke and Dr. Luke can just get away with this.

Feel free to repost this, share and tell about it as much people as possible. This is not fair.

xoxo,Porcelain Doll.

I miss you and I… loved you.

When a person, who was close to us, dies, it feels like we are burying a piece of our hearts with him/her. Similar thing happens when you break up or worse – he disappears with no reason, spitting on your frienship or relationship and leaves you drowning in tears. If I would cry everytime I miss him, I could fill one big pool with my tears. Months go by but scars in my heart don’t heal. Flashbacks just come like bullets straight to my heart. There’s nothing I can do. I can’t talk this out because problem isn’t solved, I can’t get lost in another relationship because I have become cold and uninterested to most people. I’m stuck in my own feelings that never fully got told. These feelings and memories are killing me. I’m sick of people telling me that I should move on because he doesn’t care anymore, he’s not good enough for me etc. All I know is that with him all conversations were natural and his hugs were the best. I remember the last phone conversation we had late night after seeing him for the last time: “I could kiss you next time we meet.” After his words I held my breath for a while. I couldn’t believe it that he was interested in me more than a friend. But that conversation happened almost three months ago. It won’t happen ever, I guess.Worst thing is that I keep blaming myself. I still feel like he was almost Prince Charming and I was too dumb, too ugly for him.Most of you might say that my behaviour really is stupid because I used to text him until 11 days ago, still hoping that we’ll at least be friends again. No luck, just my broken heart. I still start to cry at random times of the day because I can forget him and I miss him more than anything.

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My dad told me that writing a letter to him that I won’t send him, will help to get my feelings out. I haven’t tried it yet but I will now. Cause, honestly, there’s nothing to hide. He will never read this and you will understand my heartache because you’ve been in similar situations as well. I’m not gonna mention his name but here it goes.

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Dear X,

For years I hoped that the perfect moment would come and I could finally say the words that have been burning my heart. It never came. You just left me hanging before we even started. I still don’t know is it my fault, yours or both. All I know is that I always looked at you like you’re my Prince Charming, deep down hoping that one day the fairytale will come true. But, I guess, I wasn’t really your princess. I wasn’t that kind of beautiful badass you would fall in love with. I was just average girl you first met on summer camp. I was so shy, I couldn’t even say “hi” to you. Not only that one time but for years. I was insecure about everything – my body, my behaviour, every little thing you can’t even imagine. It took a lot from me to finally say “hi”, to start talking to you… But somehow I did it. 

As soon as I got to know you, I realized that I couldn’t really imagine my life without you. You were always there when I felt sad and talentless. You told me it’s not that bad and I should keep going. It worked, I kept doing my thing. You knew better than anyone, how to cheer me up. Even one single message could light up my day because I knew you will always be there for me. Okay, I thought so… Then the day, I thought would never come, came. I was alone in this world, feeling hurt because you left me without any explanation. I’m still alone, fighting my demons, crying at nights. It’s hard to keep living when the person you trusted and valued the most, left you forever. I won’t ever meet you on the street, hug you, laugh about your jokes… It’s all gone and it hurts like hell. Maybe these unsaid words are burning the hole in my heart. The truth is… I love you. I loved you since the moment I saw you, I love you now and I will love you until my last breath. You treated me the way I didn’t deserve, too, you hurt me so bad but I will never hate you, no matter, how hard I try. I love you, I love you, I love you…

You’ll always have my heart. L.

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So that’s it. I don’t know, will it make me feel better but I did it. Heartbreaks suck. A lot. It feels like you’re dead inside but somehow your heart still beats and you are breathing. It hurts as hell, it really does. But don’t you fucking tell me that loving him wasn’t worth it and that what I feel is stupid/pathetic/funny. Let me drown in the sadness until I’ll be able to keep living again.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Why do good girls love bad boys?

First of all, my hands hurt like hell. Volleyball isn’t really my thing. In fact, I hate it because I’m bad at it and always injure myself. But I realize that I  need to keep writing and posting in this blog, so I am here. I won’t leave you. For the intro that’s all, let’s get to the topic.

Wait… I being a good girl even a thing? How can you tell a person is good or bad? Thats’s right, you can’t. But even if being a good girl would be a thing, I could count myself in as one for at least 50% . I dress properly, don’t sleep around, don’t complain about school (unless it’s about annoying people), my grades doesn’t suck that bad, I don’t drink or smoke regularly. That’s enough. But do I like good guys? Guys, who don’t smoke, drink, are properly educated, compliment their girlfriends a lot, treat girls right and take girls on cute, romantic dates? Hell no. I’d rather spend “the date” sitting on a couch, watching silly movie and drink beer with someone, who doesn’t agree with me in half of the topics, has weird sense of humor and smokes a lot. Why? I’m still trying to figure that out. The thing is – relationships do get boring with good guys. If you are a good girl, you will want someone, who understands you at first but then you’ll get tired of his sweetness. You will want someone, who can say that he doesn’t agree with you and not feel bad about it.

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I guess, it’s more fun with someone, who is different. You can learn to accept his flaws and imperfections because he has his good side, too. It’s more about accepting differences than trying to save him. He will not be saved, that’s a fact. But suddenly the idea of being with him, even if it means going down together, doesn’t seem so bad at all. Fights are little exciting, differences are pretty cool and makeup sex is great. Sure, it doesn’t mean that you want to fight all the time. Also, flaws of his body are beautiful. His vampire like teeth, birthmarks, everything. He’s a piece of art. Too bad, he doesn’t understand it and the fact you see it.

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So that’s the reason I’m single. Everytime bad boy enters my life, I’m like: “Challenge accepted.” One of them broke my heart without any explanation, other one just didn’t want to do it, so became my friend.

P.S. I’m sorry, if this post seems a little (or a lot) messy. I’m sleepy and can’t think logically. Also, the fact that I hav met a good guy but can’t forget the bad one, makes me out of my mind. But thanks everyone for your comments, likes and follows.

 

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.