New crush and 25 silly thoughts you get along with it.

Girl with heart baloonsHello, dear readers!¬†I don’t want to sound like thirteen years old version of myself but today I decided to talk about that time of your life when interesting, charming person appears in you life and – BAM! – you realize you have a crush on them. You are not quite in love with him or her but are convinced that in beneficial conditions you might fall for them. As you start slowly transferring from “having a crush” to “being in love” part, your brain most likely starts to come up with the weirdest thoughts and assure you that either you are destined to be with this person or you are plain dumb and making the biggest mistake of your life by just giving a small hint about your feelings towards this special person. Briefly said – there is a total shitshow in your head. So here are 20 silly and annoying thoughts you probably get when you start falling for someone.

  1. What if he/she is just super friendly in general and what I confused with flirting is just plain friendliness?
  2. What if he/she is not into girls/guys?
  3. What if I’m too young/old for this person to be romantically interested in me?
  4. What if I’m too straightforward while showing my interest and he/she is not even interested in me? Oh, what an embarrassment that would be!
  5. What if this person actually has a crush on me and I’m not showing enough interest in him/her? That way I risk losing a chance to ever be with my crush and someone else will take that chance instead.
  6. What if I’m not his/her type?
  7. What if I have done something wrong that changed this persons opinion about me?
  8. What if he/she is already in a relationship and isn’t looking for anything?
  9. What if he/she is already in a relationship and is looking only for a side piece?
  10. Why does it take so long for my crush to respond to my messages?
  11. Why are his/her responses so short?
  12. At which point I can get more personal in our conversations?
  13. What is that person with him/her in the picture? Are they just friends or…?
  14. Why he/she is so emotionless whenever we spend time together? Is my crush an actual Cyborg or just not interested?
  15. How can I find out his/her relationship status without making it too straightforward that I’m romantically interested?
  16. We haven’t talked in few days. Should I call or text first?
  17. I’m so done with hiding my feelings. I will tell my crush everything the next time we meet.
  18. Okay, looks like this person isn’t interested in me at all. I’m so done with him/her.
  19. Oh no! I was too immature/flirty/awkward in the last message I sent?
  20. Am I already friendzoned? If so, how do I know that?
  21. Should I try out my chances with someone else while I’m not sure about his/her feelings towards me?
  22. Does he/she even thinks about me?
  23. Do I even have a crush on him/her? Maybe this person is just my soulmate and future best friend because we definitely have a lot in common.
  24. Do long distance relationships ever work out? What if we become a couple and he/she starts cheating on me because I’m not around?
  25. What if he/she is single but someone else has a crush on this person? What if this random person is already making a move while I’m just sitting here and over-thinking?

Those are all the silly, weird and overwhelming thoughts that everyone could have in this confusing time of your life. I’m so thankful that the awkward, early teenage years have passed long ago and I don’t fancy anyone just because they have good looks and everyone likes them. To be honest, I’d rather delete that part of my life when I had terrible first crush at the age of 11 and later on – super awkward and sloppy first kiss with a guy I just met that day on cruise when I was 14 years old. Side note – we never talked again. However, being almost nineteen doesn’t mean that managing my love life has gotten much easier. I might not over-analize every glance from my crush and every text message but I’m still confused about a lot of things and that gave me an inspiration to make this list. But, looking from the positive side, even all the crushes that did not work out and the rollercoaster-like relationship that ended after few years made really good stories to remember.

Also, let me tell you a secret – the last and only relationship I have been in gave me an inspiration to write a book. I still remember, how few months after getting to know each other he said: “You should write a book about how we met.” I am sure that we wasn’t really serious about it that time but after everything ended and wounds have healed, I decided that writing a book is exactly what I am going to do. Our so-called relationships was one hell of a ride with its ups and downs and that’s why it would fit in a book so perfectly. However, the main idea of the book is not to idealize it and the whole “I met him and he changed me” part is just one of the few main things in it. That’s all I am going to tell you about the book because right now I am working on first rough draft and I don’t really want to jinx it. ūüôā

That’s it for today’s post. Which thoughts on the list have you had while having a crush on someone? How did they impact your relationship with your “person of interest”?

Love, Porcelain Doll.

5 facts you probably didn’t know about me.

5 facts you probably didn't know about meHello, dear readers!¬† While I’m still coming up with a list of non-personal blog post ideas, the purpose of this entry is to give you a chance to get to know me better. I am still a little careful every time I write¬†about myself because, if you have been following me for at least 6 months, you know that I basically used to turn my blog into online diary where I rant about pointless things in my life. It was more like a trash can not a blog, to be honest. However, those times are over and I am not going back to my old way. So, here is a list of 5 facts you probably didn’t know about me. Even some of my friends don’t know some of them yet.

  1. I often laugh when I’m nervous or uncomfortable.¬†I have no idea what kind of weird reaction is it and how long I have been acting like this but sometimes it appears in very weird situations. For example, if I’m watching a horror movie and a character gets murdered in a bizarre way, I will laugh. Not because I find it funny or entertaining but just because my mind is confused and I don’t know how to react otherwise.
  2. My hair changes whenever I experience major change in my life.¬†Somehow I just want mark the beginning of something new by changing my hair. Not in the “Britney Spears in 2007” kind of way but still. So far I have had¬†blonde, green and purple hair ends in different periods of my life. Also, let’s not forget the period in my life when I was obsessed with hair chalk and had strands in all possible colours.
  3. From age 12 to 15 I spent way too much time on Wattpad, reading and writing shitty fiction. They say you have to start somewhere but, believe me, everything that was written by me was garbage. Or at least 96% . Why? One of the reasons Рwhen I started writing new piece of fiction, I had no idea, how my story is going to end. There are plenty other mistakes I made but I will go in-depth about this in different post in very close future.
  4. In kindergarten I was constantly fighting with boys because I liked toy cars and Legos better than dolls.¬†I have no explanation for this but I remember that chubby dolls with blinking eyes, dressed in frilled dresses were boring to me. The same was with toy tableware and everything that was placed in girls’ corner. I guess even then I didn’t give crap about gender roles and thought that everyone can play with any toy they wanted to.
  5. I hate being interrupted during a creative process.¬†It does not matter, if I’m painting, drawing, playing an instrument or busy with a random DIY project. Don’t you dare to come up to me and start some off topic chatter or even ask me to do something else. If were not creating together and you are not here to help me, better just leave before I get mad.

Here you go – now I am not just a random person behind your screen and after this personal post I will be ready to entertain you with different kind of content in the future. By the way, can you relate to any of the things I mentioned in this list? If so, please let me know by commenting below. ūüôā

Wishing you all the best, Porcelain Doll.

Out of the comfort zone – my first exchange program.

Hello, dear readers! You have probably noticed that I have been away for a little more than a week and shame on me РI forgot to write and schedule post for that time period. However, this week was not wasted and I am back with more exciting content. For the first time in my life I strongly decided to make this summer exciting, push my limits and try new things. The tattoo was first of them. Next thing I challenged myself to do was to participate in an exchange program. I still remember the day when I filled out the form and sent it. One part of me was feeling unsure but the other one was too worried that my youth might go to waste, if I do not step out of my comfort zone. The last thing I want in this life is to live a boring life and at the age of seventy realize that I did not take all the chances I should have taken. Besides Рevery summer until this one passed so quickly and finally when the school year started again, I realized that all I did on summer break was sleep, spend way too much time on social media and occasionally meet few of my friends.

When the leaving day finally arrived, I felt a little mad at myself that I actually decided to participate in this event.¬†I am that kind of person, who does not go to unknown places and events without my friends by my side and sadly all of my cool crowd had other things to do this summer. “Oh well,” I thought to myself. “Just one week and you will be home. You can do this.” When we finally arrived everything seemed okay but I could not deny the fact that I was scared. How could I not be? As an introverted person, whose voice was too quiet for most of the people and who already got used to the fact that no one cares about my opinion, I was beyond terrified. Nevertheless after the first full day with workshops and social activities, I realized that most of the people are way friendlier that I expected and I am definitely not the only one, who prefers working by herself instead of being a part of a group. This was the main reason I chose art workshop instead of dance or music. Also, I was already way too familiar with music and dancing did not catch my eye as much as improving my art skills did. Although workshops lasted only 3 days and we had performances after that, I was pleasantly surprised and realized that trying new things does not always mean feeling uncomfortable and worrying about everything being perfect. Plus – who could have imagined that I will end up painting something on a blanket with spray paint? All the room for expressing myself was confusing at first but when I finally got used to that, I wanted to keep up it endlessly. Spending most of the day creating something side by side with like-minded people, drinking a lot of coffee, having weird and meaningful conversations and laughing until tears start rolling down our cheeks was my version of heaven on Earth. Besides – I was surprised that I, out of all the people in our group from Latvia, started to socialize with everyone the most. After spending most of my life between people, who just suck out your energy, do not understand your ideas and are constantly grumpy, I finally felt like a fish in the water and happier than ever. I even barely used my mobile phone because everything that was happening around me was way more exciting. (I guess, I rarely had such a good time in my life that I even forgot to use my phone.)

Exchange project Sakskobing.

Yes, that’s me – with the guitar.

One more pleasant surprise I experienced was… actually playing the guitar a lot and enjoying it.¬†I went to this exchange program lacking inspiration and motivation professionally and I was close to giving up. I did not want to play anymore, I was sick of it and almost all eleven years I have been playing classical guitar seemed like nothing. Yes, I could find notes, play pieces but the spark was gone. Imagine looking at fire-place that is empty and do not have even coals in it. That was me until I found that the guy, who is managing the music workshop plays guitar as well. After all these years spent between guitarists, who had one common opinion, I was glad to communicate and learn from someone, whose knowledge is different. After some great conversations I even felt ready to play in public again and all the support from people, who enjoyed my little performance made me feel thankful. I even came to a realization that I should stop focusing on creating a perfect result, enjoy the process more and open my mind to different kind of knowledge. Thank you for bringing my inspiration and a part of my self-esteem back, I’m still close to tears because of that.

Poetry and girl with a guitar.

Even though I wanted more workshops during this exchange program, I was also thankful for the days when we only got to perform.¬†Otherwise I would not have met few great people from other groups, who made me smile and laugh as well. It is hard to explain how thankful I am to everyone I became friends with in this exchange program. I definitely want to see all of you again, so we can grab a cup of coffee, tell each other jokes and inspire each other even more. It’s kind of funny, how right after coming back home I am already thinking about ways to meet everyone again and travel some more but I’m thirsty again for some great emotions. If you are one of the people I met past week, let’s stay in touch because you are super cool. Huge thanks to everyone! Together we definetly made the greatest memories of this summer and I am looking forward to see you again in future exchanges and in between them, of course. ūüôā

With love, Porcelain Doll.

P.S. Can I still call myself Porcelain Doll? No matter, how hard I tried to escape the sun, my skin is already a little darker than it was before I came to Denmark. ūüėÄ

10 inspiring Tumblr tags you will love.

Hello, dear readers!¬†I, just like a very big part of the population, have been using Tumblr for years. have had several accounts and have taken few breaks from the site. However, I have to admit that this blogging platform is incredibly great because it takes very little effort to create your blog, it’s easy to promote it and even more – your blog does not have to be made mainly for other people’s eyes like WordPress, Blogger and other blogging platform blogs are. Tumblr blog can be like your online diary, it can be your safe place, if you are trying to lose weight (I’m not talking about thinspo, bonespo and skinspo here, those tags are way too dark.), find friends while battling a mental illness or just simply get inspired. This is why Tumblr has been my most favorite place on the internet. No matter, who you are, you can find friends there. Today I wanted to show you that Tumblr consists of more than pro ana personal blogs and a lot of teenage blogs, who are reblogging #grunge , #pale , #couple pictures. I am sharing those 10 tags to show you, why I am so obsessed with Tumblr in a good way.

10 inspiring Tumblr tags you will love

  1. #studyblr / #studyspo It is no secret that a lot of students are using Tumblr and yes, college students, too. Under these tags you can find pictures of neat, beautiful notebooks, bullet journals and aesthetically pleasing study spaces. Even if you do not really like school, this will make you hyped up and motivated enough to finish that homework as good as possible.
  2. #artjournaling / #artjournal You do not even have to be super creative and artsy to look up this tag and start creating your own art journal. The point in journaling is getting all your emotions and thoughts out. Do not worry about the result, enjoy the process! I consider art journaling very useful to everyone, especially from people, who suffer from mental illnesses. This will make you feel better and maybe you will want to look back at your old journals few months or years later.
  3. #booklr / #bibliophile / #bookblr If you are a book worm like me, you will love this. Under these tags you can find ideas of book to read next, some quotes from books and really beautiful pictures that will make you close the site and pick up a book again.
  4. #bulletjournal / #bujo If you love planning your day or would like to get started with it in a journal not an app, this tag will be for you. You planner does not have to be plain and boring. Get some inspiration under these tags!
  5. #fitspo / #fitfam / #fitblr If you are a fitness junkie, this will take you to all the motivation you need to push harder and get healthier. Motivational quotes, healthy recipes, before and after pics, exercise ideas and pictures that describe your dream body.
  6. #langblr / #langspo If you are a poliglot or simply decided to learn a new language, get some inspiration here, find some pretty notes and vocabularies. Who knows Рmaybe starting from tomorrow you will start learning Italian!
  7. #journalclub I have mentioned bullet journals and art journals before but there are even more types of journals out there: movie journals, travel journals and more. Under this tag you can find all of these and chose which type you want to start.
  8. #motivation / #inspiration / #quotes Yes, sometimes tags are that simple. Need inspiration? Look for it on Tumblr!
  9. #tumblrroom I do not know a place where to find better room decoration ideas than on Tumblr. A lot of these might be feasible in your own dorm room. Some fairy lights, photos. fluffy pillows and done! Your room is cozier than ever.
  10. #spilledink / #spilledthoughts / #spilledwords / #writersontumblr Are you a blogger or writer, who lacks inspiration? Say no more. These tags will get your mind running again.

There you go – now you know where to look for inspiration when you do not have any. I mentioned more tags here because there were many similar and related to each other. I wish you a happy Tumblr journey but beware – it can get a little addicting! ūüôā

Love, Porcelain Doll.

Seeking my true calling.

Hello, dear readers! Before I even start, let me say that this post will be personal not educational, however I will try not to whine and put myself in a role of a victim. It’s been a week since I returned from the summer guitar camp in which I spent most of my time not playing the guitar but drinking coffee, writing and sleeping instead. I guess, that period in my life was when I experienced serious change in my mindset. Say what you want but I realized that I will never become a professional musican and I was kind of alright with that. Sitting in class with my instrument for at least 6 hours and totally lacking social life never seemed appealing to me, even more – I found it rather sad. My friends were always more like a family, they supported me the most and I simply could not imagine my life without them. Also, for me there is no point in spending hours playing because I see no goal at all. Do I want to be like every other classical guitarist from Baltic states or Russia? No. Do I want to teach children? No. Is playing on stage is my dream? No. I used to think that being a musican is my true calling but now I am almost 100% sure that it is not. I am pretty sure that you would like to stop me here and say: “I think you are making decisions way too quickly. You have bad periods of time in every profession.” Okay. I will agree with you for now. However, if a person is truly passionate about something, doesn’t it keep him up at night? Does this person even thinks about looking at the clock because a lot of time has passed? Is this person too distracted because he’s not seeing a result for a long time to keep doing something? I am pretty sure that the answer to all of these questions is no. When you are truly passionate about something, you do not care that there is no result yet, you do not care, how much time it takes to improve your skills and you can not live long periods of time without doing what you love. So, with that being said, I am not sure I will feel passionate about music ever again and I am almost completely sure that writing is my calling.

still-life-school-retro-ink-159618.jpeg

I do not care, if good story idea keeps me up until 5 a.m. I do not care that I am not professional yet. I do not care that finishing one chapter might take me up to 2 hours and that I will have to edit it before this part looks the way I want it to look. Even more – I will not give up when I catch the famous disease, called writer’s block again because I have a goal to become successful, published writer and I will find a way to get there. I love both – the good and the bad times because the flame of passion is burning somewhere inside of me and my head is always full of different ideas. I have so much going in my mind that I can not wait to tell it to the world through writing and I feel like my head will explode, if I do not tell what’s on my mind at least 2 times a week. I know it wil be hard, I know I will probably have a lot of useless drafts and rejection letter but I will get there. Why? Because I want to not someone else wants me to. I am sick of following other people’s expectations and ignoring my dreams. Doing what everyone else expects from me will not make me happy. It is my life not theirs. Mine. I have only one life and it is time to stop wasting in and letting parents and teachers to dirrect it. I will get where I want to be, just watch me.

If you are reading this and feel trapped because someone is expecting certain behaviour Рstop! It is better to take a risk and fail than never take it in the first place. Yes, you will fail but that is part of the process. You have to fall before you fly, so I dare you to jump. Now.

Wishing you all the best, Porcelain Doll.

3 valuable life lessons my ex has taught me.

Hello, my dear readers! It has been a little more than 9 months since my last and only relationship ended. It was a very odd one, indeed. We were not an official couple, he never bought me flowers or cooked dinner for us. The most he has physically done for me Рprobably made a cup of coffee. Althrought break ups are mostly associated with broken dishes, crying at night, excessive drinking and lack of motivation to live with your ex lover, I am not here to to talk about things he did not do or did poorly. I have gone though bitter break up pain and now all that I have left is the feeling of gratefulness. Since the moment I met him to this very moment, I have no doubt that he was the first person, who turned my life upside down and sent in the right direction. Now, when I can calmly look back at every moment I had with him, I want to share few simple, yet incredibly valuabe things he has taught me.

Girl, writing a list of life lessons

  1. Stop apologizing when you feel like you did nothing wrong. I can remember countless moments when I apologized to my parents but did not really understand what for. They always acted like they are superior to me and taught me that regardless of situation, I am the one to blame and am obligated to apologize. However, the fact that they never had this obligation was thought-provoking to me and did not seem quite right to me. Apologies that do not came from my were useless and just made me feel weak in front of my parents. As soon as I listened to my ex and quit this untrue habit, it made my life a little easier.
  2. Speak your mind and do not ever use a phrase “I have nothing left to say.” in a conversation.¬†This small sentence is a total chat killer. It just makes everyone involved feel awkward and you feel so uncomfortable that you wish the ground would open and swallow you whole. Even if you have nothing to say for a moment, either have a small pause or just say whatever comes to your mind. It might be something like: “I have not had my coffee today yet and I am feeling a little weary today.” or “The woman who just passed by, reminds me of my grandmother so much.” or literally any though that crosses your mind but is not incredibly inapproporiate. I used to be very secretive and quiet person, who could not keep conversation going for more than three minutes, so this little tip was a life saver for me.
  3. Do not cherish way too high hopes. If they will not come true, the disappointment will literally kill you. Seems like a weird advice to give, right? However, I found this quite helpful in my life. Whenever I expected something great to happen too much, I ended up frustrated. For example, five years ago I was so desperate to go to the concert of my favorite singer. I talked about it to my mum a lot and I had high hopes that she will buy me a ticket and let me go. Nevertheless, it was in my country not somewhere far away and was not way too expensive. Of course, she did not let me go and the disappointment was so big that I cried about it at nights for about two weeks. Now I have learned to approach all life events with calmly with no exaggerated expectations.

Those, I guess, were the most important and unique life lessons I have learned so for. No wonder why they were a little odd – it all came from very excentric person and thinking about him as a person still fascinates me. However, now I percieve him more like a character from a book not a real person from my life. But let me tell you a tiny secret – he actually is one of the characters in my first realistic fiction book. Even though he is not a part of my life anymore, this guy impacted my life so much that I will never be these same. And I do not even want to be the same. I am deeply grateful for these few life sessons he taught me, for the memories we made, for every emotion I have felt and for the huge inspiration to put these events in my own book. Currently I will not tel you more about it because I do not want to spoil the surprise and I have no idea, how it will go. No high hopes but I will do my best and maybe something unexpectedly great will come out of it.

Have your previous relationship/-s taught you something meaningful? What excatly?

With love, Porcelain Doll.

6 mistakes I made when I started a blog at thirteen-ish.

Hello, my dear readers!¬†No one is ever born a successful blogger or writer. If you are writing, too, you should know this by now. When I talk about my writing ambitions, my mum often asks me: “Have you thought that maybe you do not have any talent in writing? What if you get sick of it?” Those questions do not scare me anymore because I have already answered them to myself. To become a writer, there are few things you need: curious mind, different approach to life and love for reading. I doubt that there are people, who are born with writing talent and everything came easy to them. All kinds of writers just have the things I mentioned before that you need for starting. If you have this starter kit, you will keep going. Yes, maybe you will leave lots of empty wine bottles, and crumpled pieces of paper that have lots of useless words written on them but that it part of the exciting process. To answer my mother’s second question – I will not get sick of it. There is always something going on my mind – all kinds of emotions, doubts, fantasies… Everything! I never stop doubting, fanatasizing, watching and reading. I am way too curious, way too hungry for pain, different emotions and experiences to ever be bored with being a writer. However, I was not always like that. In my early teens I was just a little bookworm, who thought that writing a blog is a stylish thing to do. At the age of thirteen, I did not have lot of deep thoughts in my mind and it is no surprise – I was going through puberty. Now, when I am finally eighteen years old, I see everything clearer and can look back to my young self and notice mistakes I made while just starting my blog.1blog

  1. I had no clue what I was going to write about. I saw a lot of girls being interested in fashion but that was no passion of mine, so I wrote literally everything that came into my mind. That is how my blog turned into more like an online diary where I just vomited all my thoughts in public. Looking back at thirteen years old me Рit was no wonder I decided to create a kind of online diary. I was the quiet kid and my parents were often too busy to talk about me with my feelings.
  2. I had no goals and schedule.¬†As I said, younger version of me thought about blogging as just something that cool kids might do. I had no ambitions yet to publish a novel, make money with my blog and become a writer. I could publish a post back then, disappear for a month, then publish one more… And so on.
  3. I did not interact with other bloggers and writers enough.¬†This is the thing I am still working on. Of course, writing a blog is interesting but I got so caught up in it that I barely read blogs of other people, not even talking about commenting on them and liking their content. Being a blogger is not a lonely road. There are lots and lots of other bloggers and from interacting with them, you can only gain. So get out there! If you like someone’s post, let them now! If you have questions, do not be shy and ask them in the comment section!
  4. My post titles were long and not ‘eye catching’ at all.¬†I will give you few examples from my previous content. “Unconditionally is out/thanks to my followers”. Okay, what kind of title is even that? I sound like an amateur musician, who just released original song and is thanking her fans, which is not what I meant at all. At that time I was hyped about Katy Perry’s new single and the fact that my blog was gaining more followers. Nothing too exciting. “Cody Simpson and all those ‚Äúcuties‚ÄĚ that girls like so much.”, “Mad teachers, teachers‚Äô pets,why I hate math and The Princess Syndrome.” , “My parents don‚Äôt let me choose most of the thing that matter to me.” You can roast me on these but for now I will just cringe in silence.
  5. Too much personal repeated “vomit”.¬†Everytime I misunderstood hints of my crush or had an argument with my parents, I ran to my blog, so I could get it all out. Too bad I did not know that people do not like blogs that are full of personal drama. Why? Because they get nothing out of it. For my readers this was just a bunch of useless information and a complete waste of time. I would not read a blog like this either.
  6. Too short blog posts. When I was younger, I found it hard to write 500+ words for a post, so often my blog was filled with short posts that often did not have any meaning. Like I pointed out while writing about my first mistake, I had no idea what was I going to write about. It is kind of impossible to write long quality content when you have no idea what are you doing.

In general, those are the main reasons, why I failed to create a successful blog in the past. However, now I am motivated to improve it in every way possible and write quality content only. Have you started blogging in your teens, too? How did it go for you and what mistakes did you made?

Love, Porcelain Doll.