The day a guy became one of my best friends.

I’m not really a people person, even more – I’m not a male person. In elementary school I hated them with all my heart because they always we’re mean and childish. In middle school I started to see that boys (surprisingly!) do like me but then I realized they just wanted to get in my pants or screw my mind. No wonder, I thought that true, meaningful and platonic friendship between a guy and a girl can’t exist.

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However, the other day I was hanging out with my best girlfriend and her boyfriend. They’re honestly closest friends to me right now but… I started to think that I’m developing a crush for this friend’s boyfriend. He is funny, sweet, shy  and interesting… Hell, I really thought that I’m into him LIKE THAT. That I wanted to be his girlfriend etc and I felt ashamed because I would never steal my best friend’s man, that’s just not me. Now, back to the day we were hanging out. When it was getting late, my friend went home and I stayed with her boyfriend, and we kept drinking and talking. And at one moment I just really wanted to kiss him but I kissed him on the cheek instead. I just threw away those wrong thoughts and kept spending time with him. And then few hours later when I stayed the night and we talked until four in the morning, I realized that I have no intention to have sex with him… ever. I just really adore him as a friend and I feel safe with him. I feel about him the same way I feel about my best (girl) friend and there’s nothing wrong with that. Damn it – just because he’s a boy, I thought I have a crush on him which was thankfully not true. He’s just my first real guy friend and got me confused. Well, c’est la vie! Things happen but I’m glad that I finally have a homie I can’t talk to about everything that bothers me – guitar, boys, school, sex, just anything! That’s the one thing I can be happy about, even though I’m going through rough time. 

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

My man.

I’m back again, feeling more positive and alive. Except the fact that I still sleep a lot. However, my guitar teacher now is the one, who was my first guitar teacher. I’m much happier when my lessons are productive and I have a teacher, who really supports me and is willing to do a lot for me to success. Enough with the intro, I’m ready to write something.

I know, who is going to be my man from the very start. No, it’s not about his looks, age, relationship status or anything. It’s about that moment when out eyes first meet. One glance and I know, if I’m interested in him. Funny, how only now I realized that with every guy I’ve been interested in, it all started the same. They mostly had nothing in common, well, except for blue eyes but the spark was always there. And when it is, I’m not sure it ever leaves. Maybe, if we never meet again, I gradually forget, how it felt to kiss his lips or hug him.

Few days ago after a long time I met a guy I once had love affair once. He was taken then and he is still now. We weren’t even together and barely had anything to talk about… Why do I even kind of miss him? I shouldn’t, hell, I really shouldn’t. He’s my friend’s boyfriend and… it seems like he never forgot anything we had. Maybe I have a thing for relationships that are just not right, who knows.

When it comes to taken guys, he’s not the only one I’m kind of falling for. What happened to me? I was always a good friend and guys around my age never caught my eyes. But then he appeared and I saw him from the very start. I knew there’s something about him, yet I had no idea, what excatly. Our friendship started only when he started going out with one of my friends. At first I was shocked and a little hurt but then somehow, with time I ended up being good friends with this guy and I’m stuck in the worst situation ever. I really like him but I am not going to ruin her relationship. Yet, it’s kinda killing me – keeping all this to myself. How do I ever end up in messy situations? What’s funny is that I thought I’m over both of these guys but I’m not.

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xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

I’m so tired of everything…

A lot of things have happened since I last wrote a post on here. I fell in love for real, I made love for the first time with someone I loved, I had a heartbreak, stress and a lot of confusion. I’m not sure I will have a lot of time to write here and I’m not sure I even want to do that. I’m not sure I have anything meaningful to say and I don’t want to just fill this blog with trash information, so… forgive me. Blogging forever will be my hobby, not a fully time job.

About the heartbreak and the weird kind of relationship – I don’t regret a second of it. Like a weird writer person would say – I think it would make a good story. It doesn’t really matter that he was kind of a psycho, to be honest, the fact that we had passion, we have memories and it might make a good material for book is all that matter for me. Yes, I do want to write a book based on our story because… it’s not a typical love story, maybe it isn’t love story at all. It might be just a mix of cofusion, desire, loneliness. It was interesting while it lasted and I wouldn’t take all the kisses, pain and conversations back even if I could. I loved him with all my heart but I guess it’s better for me without him. At least I realized, how deeply I am able to love someone. When it comes to guys right now – I’m confused. I kind of want a loving relationship but I have lost belief in love. I guess, when the time comes, I will fall in love again.

Also – I’ve been seeing a therapist. Yes, I’m depressed, there’s no shame in admitting it. A lot of people are. I can’t really talk to my parents about my feelings, they aren’t open minded at all. I doubt that most of people I thought are my friends really are true friends. It feels better to be alone than with someone, who doesn’t support your life decisions and always doubts your choices. I hate taking antidepressants but I don’t really have another choice. I can’t change school, move to another country or something. I’m stuck here for another 2 years, so all I can do is stuff myself with pills, cry and sleep it off. I’m stressed, I’m nervous, I feel alone, sleepy and I lack motivation. It’s kind of funny, how at one moment it feels okay but at another one like everything is falling apart. I don’t want to think about anything, I just want to sleep. I’m tired of stress, emotions and the fact that people don’t understand me and think I’m weird. I’m just done. So maybe I’m done with this blog, too because everything I write here seems kinda useless. I’m so sorry.

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xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Uncomfortable in my own skin.

I know, I should love my body and feel happy but I just… don’t. I work out at least 3 times a week, each time at least an hour. I eat less junk food and drink more water and tea (mostly herb tea). I have lost few cm’s of my waist and gained few on my hips. My butt finally looks great in tight skirt but something’s still wrong. I feel guilty about almost every bite I take like I don’t deserve it, like even smallest bite could turn me into my past version from two years ago, who lacked confidence and hated the way she looked. Everytime I skip a workout, I feel like I’m losing, like I could lose the body I already have, get fat and hate my body even more. I have no idea, why I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. There are few days when I finally do but most days I just don’t. I look in the mirror, assume I look okay but it’s not how I want to look. Even when I think I look good, I somehow don’t feel good.

Maybe many years of bullying have caused this hate towards myself. Maybe it’s the fact that my parents never teached me confidence. It kind of feels like it’s too late to change something. And I don’t hate only my body, I also judge myself for every single thing I didn’t do or did bad. I don’t know, how to get rid of it. I want to be that confident girl, who is confident about her body and personality but I’m just not. Am I the only one? Do you feel or have felt this way ever? Comment down below, please.

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xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Few thoughts about DDLG.

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Before I even start this topic, I can imagine half of you feeling confused/shocked because “What and why the hell 17 year old decided to blog about DDLG?” and other half having no idea what I am talking about. Just to make this clear – the fact that I decided to write about this, doesn’t mean I am part of this kink community. Probably like many others,  after watching “50 shades of Grey”, I started being curious about what is BDSM. One thing everyone should know – this movie DOES NOT display BDSM properly.

  • BDSM is not violence and most people involved in it aren’t mentally sick. Everything happens with the consent of everyone engaged in this activity.
  • BDSM isn’t dangerous when done correctly. Boundaries get discussed and safe words are created.

So that much about “50 shades of Grey”. If you want to see more proper view to BDSM, watch “Secretary”.Now, let’s jump to DDLG. I got to know about this quite recently (few months ago), after digging deep in information about BDSM.

DDLG – Daddy Dom / Little Girl. DDLG, or dd/lg, is a relationship in which one person is the caregiver or “daddy” and the other is childlike. I’ll debunk some myths about DDLG, too, so you don’t start viewing those involved as sick and twisted.

  • DDLG has nothing to do with incest. Littles, who don’t feel comfortable calling Dominant “daddy”, use words like “master”, “Sir”, “king”, mister” etc.
  • DDLG does not involve underage persons, so it has nothing to do with paedophilia.
  • Not all DDLG relationships involve sexual contact. By the way, same goes with BDSM.

Those are main things everyone gets wrong. So I can finally get to my thoughts about this. Honestly, I am pretty impressed with the way this relationship works.

What I adore about this relationship – rules. It’s pretty clear what is approporiate and what isn’t in this relationship. If you behave well, you get rewarded, if not – punished. Here are few examples.

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I just see this as improved version of relationship. You help each other become better, trust for whole 100% and support each other. You can talk openly about things that worry you and find the best way to make your relationship. Maybe someday I might consider being in this kind of relationship. If you’re interested, you can do some research on your own and realize that not everything that looks weird and twisted from the first look is that bad. What do you think of DDLG? Comment below.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

When victim becomes a hero in other story.

For many years I thought that  I am the broken one and I should have someone, who would put those broken pieces together. Little did I know that the person, who healed  was more broken than me. I was starting to heal but his wounds were still bleeding and the worst thing was that he didn’t let me heal his wounds. At that moment I realized – I wasn’t a victim anymore and it is time to stop acting like one. Sure, I have cried a million tears and been hurt a lot but it’s time to move on.

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I used to get mad every time he pushed me away and told me hurtful things. I used to think that he was the player, the mean one, who did it on purpose and I was getting played because I’m in love. Wrong (maybe except the part about being in love). No matter, how cliche it sounds, he was hurt a lot before and now has some serious trust issues. I don’t know in every detail, what happened and why is he the way he is. All I know – it’s not his fault and I have no rights to be mad at him. I disappeared from his life many times because it hurt like hell when he pushed me away after all I’ve done for him. Weeks and months went by and something pulled me back to him, some strong feeling that never left me. Maybe that was a sign that I shouldn’t leave and our strange relationship is not supposed to end like this. He is like a rose – thorns hurt me a lot but sometimes it blooms incredibly beautiful.

Funny, how you can love someone so deeply even when you haven’t had sex and you haven’t been in romantic relationship with him. He will never buy me flowers and quote romantic movies but I’m alright with that. All I want is to see him smile truly, hear his laugh and see his eyes sparkle from excitement. I simply want to be there for him, if he ever needs me. I know that it takes a lot of time and patience until someone with trust issues really opens up but it’s okay. I’ll give all my life, if it will be needed. I don’t regret all these times when I returned after he hurt me and apologizing to him. Maybe I really was  the one, who needed to apologize because he saw people come and leave so many times. I let him down.

I never really believed in faith until I met him. I know we met for a reason and I’m forever thankful that he came into my life.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

5 reasons why most teenage written fiction sucks.

When I was about twelve, I discovered that there are actually teenagers (12 to 18 year olds), who write and post stories online. In that age I started to love books in a very different kind of way. In “I’d write this part different but I love whole chapter before it” way not just as a reader. Back then I joined many groups on social sites about writing and enjoyed what others were posting. At that age I actually thought that their writing was good and enjoyable but now, when I look back at it, I can just frown. There was no orginality, no great plot etc. Oh wait, I’m spoiling the post for you already. Let’s go back to twelve years old me. It didn’t took long for me to start writing my own fiction and post it online, and I felt very proud for every good comment written about it. At the age of fourteen or so I discovered Wattpad and started posting my stories there. After three books I disappeared and just few days ago really came back, deciding to re-read my old books. Honestly, I’m ashamed but I didn’t delete those books. It was little history, fourteen to sixteen old me, writing stories about good girls and bad boys etc. About week ago I started editing one of those books, so they would become more readable and enjoyable. Let’s see what comes out of it. Now, after long introduction, I’m finally ready to tell you five reasons, why most teenage fiction sucks and why mine did, too.

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  1. Story/novel/book has no conflict in it, no breaking point. Most stories go like this: bad boys is trying to get good girl (who is most likely virgin but I said in posts before that it’s just social construct, so let’s just say she never had sex) to have sex with him. After some time she finally gives in and after that they become a couple. Then story goes on and goes on, they just confess their “love” to each other, have sex and everything is fine and boring for whole damn 10 chapters or so and then, when teenage writer finally realizes that something isn’t really right, she decides put up a silly fight, put someone in jail or something. However, it still doesn’t change the fact that story is going nowhere and you just made a mess to seem it more interesting. If you are writing, you have to know, what do you want to tell readers, you can’t just randomly jabber.
  2. Sex, sex, sex – topic which is way too important in your story. Did you wrote this for someone to jack off while reading itPersonally, I have found many so called story profiles on ask.fm , basically writing only about sex, even not really knowing, how this process happens. Gross. Even worse – there were few incest stories, too. I get it, maybe the only reason you live is to have sex as much as possible but…. do you really have to write about it and publish it somewhere? Now you’re just making yourself look silly because you have no brilliant thoughts in that mind of yours. Better close Wattpad and go watch some porn, dooh.
  3. Story characters lame and kind of mainstream. Who wants to hear about cocky bad boy with no feelings and sex addicion or good girl, who gets A’s all the time and has perfect family? Not me. I’m not saying that your character should have foot fetish or something (even though maybe that could work, too) but make it interesting. Also, if I will read about one more good girl, who is fan of One Direction, I’m going to puke. That is just lame. Add something unique to your character that you or your friend has. Think, writer, think!
  4. Most teen writers don’t use online grammar checkers. It’s 21st century. Ask google to find you a grammar checker. Otherwise, your readers feel like their eyes are going to bleed from those typing errors and te fact that you don’t know when to use “your” and “you’re”. I’m not saying that my grammar is perfect but after you write something, read it one more time to check for errors and then use grammar checker. You’re welcome.
  5. The lack of orginality in teen fiction writings. Think of something new. Maybe thirteen, fourteen year olds are excited to read about good girl and bad boy all over and over again but I’m sick of that. I bet there are millions of cheesy stories like this with very small differences. Don’t be a sheep, following many others, be honest and bold while writing. So what, if it’s weird? Maybe people will like it, at least it will be like a breath of fresh air after all this cheesiness.Write about weird, kinky people, about someone, who doesn’t have shiny, blonde hair, about someone, who doesn’t listen to One Direction and doesn’t get good grades. Stop following stereotypes and create your own characters and stories.

That’s all for today, I hope that this post was helpful. No, I wasn’t just shaming other teenagers, I was ashamed of younger me, too.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.