Uncomfortable in my own skin.

I know, I should love my body and feel happy but I just… don’t. I work out at least 3 times a week, each time at least an hour. I eat less junk food and drink more water and tea (mostly herb tea). I have lost few cm’s of my waist and gained few on my hips. My butt finally looks great in tight skirt but something’s still wrong. I feel guilty about almost every bite I take like I don’t deserve it, like even smallest bite could turn me into my past version from two years ago, who lacked confidence and hated the way she looked. Everytime I skip a workout, I feel like I’m losing, like I could lose the body I already have, get fat and hate my body even more. I have no idea, why I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. There are few days when I finally do but most days I just don’t. I look in the mirror, assume I look okay but it’s not how I want to look. Even when I think I look good, I somehow don’t feel good.

Maybe many years of bullying have caused this hate towards myself. Maybe it’s the fact that my parents never teached me confidence. It kind of feels like it’s too late to change something. And I don’t hate only my body, I also judge myself for every single thing I didn’t do or did bad. I don’t know, how to get rid of it. I want to be that confident girl, who is confident about her body and personality but I’m just not. Am I the only one? Do you feel or have felt this way ever? Comment down below, please.

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xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Few thoughts about DDLG.

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Before I even start this topic, I can imagine half of you feeling confused/shocked because “What and why the hell 17 year old decided to blog about DDLG?” and other half having no idea what I am talking about. Just to make this clear – the fact that I decided to write about this, doesn’t mean I am part of this kink community. Probably like many others,  after watching “50 shades of Grey”, I started being curious about what is BDSM. One thing everyone should know – this movie DOES NOT display BDSM properly.

  • BDSM is not violence and most people involved in it aren’t mentally sick. Everything happens with the consent of everyone engaged in this activity.
  • BDSM isn’t dangerous when done correctly. Boundaries get discussed and safe words are created.

So that much about “50 shades of Grey”. If you want to see more proper view to BDSM, watch “Secretary”.Now, let’s jump to DDLG. I got to know about this quite recently (few months ago), after digging deep in information about BDSM.

DDLG – Daddy Dom / Little Girl. DDLG, or dd/lg, is a relationship in which one person is the caregiver or “daddy” and the other is childlike. I’ll debunk some myths about DDLG, too, so you don’t start viewing those involved as sick and twisted.

  • DDLG has nothing to do with incest. Littles, who don’t feel comfortable calling Dominant “daddy”, use words like “master”, “Sir”, “king”, mister” etc.
  • DDLG does not involve underage persons, so it has nothing to do with paedophilia.
  • Not all DDLG relationships involve sexual contact. By the way, same goes with BDSM.

Those are main things everyone gets wrong. So I can finally get to my thoughts about this. Honestly, I am pretty impressed with the way this relationship works.

What I adore about this relationship – rules. It’s pretty clear what is approporiate and what isn’t in this relationship. If you behave well, you get rewarded, if not – punished. Here are few examples.

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I just see this as improved version of relationship. You help each other become better, trust for whole 100% and support each other. You can talk openly about things that worry you and find the best way to make your relationship. Maybe someday I might consider being in this kind of relationship. If you’re interested, you can do some research on your own and realize that not everything that looks weird and twisted from the first look is that bad. What do you think of DDLG? Comment below.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

When victim becomes a hero in other story.

For many years I thought that  I am the broken one and I should have someone, who would put those broken pieces together. Little did I know that the person, who healed  was more broken than me. I was starting to heal but his wounds were still bleeding and the worst thing was that he didn’t let me heal his wounds. At that moment I realized – I wasn’t a victim anymore and it is time to stop acting like one. Sure, I have cried a million tears and been hurt a lot but it’s time to move on.

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I used to get mad every time he pushed me away and told me hurtful things. I used to think that he was the player, the mean one, who did it on purpose and I was getting played because I’m in love. Wrong (maybe except the part about being in love). No matter, how cliche it sounds, he was hurt a lot before and now has some serious trust issues. I don’t know in every detail, what happened and why is he the way he is. All I know – it’s not his fault and I have no rights to be mad at him. I disappeared from his life many times because it hurt like hell when he pushed me away after all I’ve done for him. Weeks and months went by and something pulled me back to him, some strong feeling that never left me. Maybe that was a sign that I shouldn’t leave and our strange relationship is not supposed to end like this. He is like a rose – thorns hurt me a lot but sometimes it blooms incredibly beautiful.

Funny, how you can love someone so deeply even when you haven’t had sex and you haven’t been in romantic relationship with him. He will never buy me flowers and quote romantic movies but I’m alright with that. All I want is to see him smile truly, hear his laugh and see his eyes sparkle from excitement. I simply want to be there for him, if he ever needs me. I know that it takes a lot of time and patience until someone with trust issues really opens up but it’s okay. I’ll give all my life, if it will be needed. I don’t regret all these times when I returned after he hurt me and apologizing to him. Maybe I really was  the one, who needed to apologize because he saw people come and leave so many times. I let him down.

I never really believed in faith until I met him. I know we met for a reason and I’m forever thankful that he came into my life.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

5 reasons why most teenage written fiction sucks.

When I was about twelve, I discovered that there are actually teenagers (12 to 18 year olds), who write and post stories online. In that age I started to love books in a very different kind of way. In “I’d write this part different but I love whole chapter before it” way not just as a reader. Back then I joined many groups on social sites about writing and enjoyed what others were posting. At that age I actually thought that their writing was good and enjoyable but now, when I look back at it, I can just frown. There was no orginality, no great plot etc. Oh wait, I’m spoiling the post for you already. Let’s go back to twelve years old me. It didn’t took long for me to start writing my own fiction and post it online, and I felt very proud for every good comment written about it. At the age of fourteen or so I discovered Wattpad and started posting my stories there. After three books I disappeared and just few days ago really came back, deciding to re-read my old books. Honestly, I’m ashamed but I didn’t delete those books. It was little history, fourteen to sixteen old me, writing stories about good girls and bad boys etc. About week ago I started editing one of those books, so they would become more readable and enjoyable. Let’s see what comes out of it. Now, after long introduction, I’m finally ready to tell you five reasons, why most teenage fiction sucks and why mine did, too.

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  1. Story/novel/book has no conflict in it, no breaking point. Most stories go like this: bad boys is trying to get good girl (who is most likely virgin but I said in posts before that it’s just social construct, so let’s just say she never had sex) to have sex with him. After some time she finally gives in and after that they become a couple. Then story goes on and goes on, they just confess their “love” to each other, have sex and everything is fine and boring for whole damn 10 chapters or so and then, when teenage writer finally realizes that something isn’t really right, she decides put up a silly fight, put someone in jail or something. However, it still doesn’t change the fact that story is going nowhere and you just made a mess to seem it more interesting. If you are writing, you have to know, what do you want to tell readers, you can’t just randomly jabber.
  2. Sex, sex, sex – topic which is way too important in your story. Did you wrote this for someone to jack off while reading itPersonally, I have found many so called story profiles on ask.fm , basically writing only about sex, even not really knowing, how this process happens. Gross. Even worse – there were few incest stories, too. I get it, maybe the only reason you live is to have sex as much as possible but…. do you really have to write about it and publish it somewhere? Now you’re just making yourself look silly because you have no brilliant thoughts in that mind of yours. Better close Wattpad and go watch some porn, dooh.
  3. Story characters lame and kind of mainstream. Who wants to hear about cocky bad boy with no feelings and sex addicion or good girl, who gets A’s all the time and has perfect family? Not me. I’m not saying that your character should have foot fetish or something (even though maybe that could work, too) but make it interesting. Also, if I will read about one more good girl, who is fan of One Direction, I’m going to puke. That is just lame. Add something unique to your character that you or your friend has. Think, writer, think!
  4. Most teen writers don’t use online grammar checkers. It’s 21st century. Ask google to find you a grammar checker. Otherwise, your readers feel like their eyes are going to bleed from those typing errors and te fact that you don’t know when to use “your” and “you’re”. I’m not saying that my grammar is perfect but after you write something, read it one more time to check for errors and then use grammar checker. You’re welcome.
  5. The lack of orginality in teen fiction writings. Think of something new. Maybe thirteen, fourteen year olds are excited to read about good girl and bad boy all over and over again but I’m sick of that. I bet there are millions of cheesy stories like this with very small differences. Don’t be a sheep, following many others, be honest and bold while writing. So what, if it’s weird? Maybe people will like it, at least it will be like a breath of fresh air after all this cheesiness.Write about weird, kinky people, about someone, who doesn’t have shiny, blonde hair, about someone, who doesn’t listen to One Direction and doesn’t get good grades. Stop following stereotypes and create your own characters and stories.

That’s all for today, I hope that this post was helpful. No, I wasn’t just shaming other teenagers, I was ashamed of younger me, too.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

“Nice is just a place in France” book review

I’ve never been such big book worm to blog about books or even write a single book review. However, this day is the day things are about to change. Just few days I finally recieved two books I ordered online from bookdepository.com , which is actually pretty good online book store because shipping is completely free all (or most) countries. When I started to read “Nice is just a place in France”, I hoped for witty book and really good entertainment. What a disappointment!

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One of the first things I noticed is that so called “betch” isn’t smart, powerful woman. In reality, for middle class smart people “betch” is just spoiled, lazy, young woman with rich parents or gold digger. It’s really annoying when almost in every chapter is mentioned spending money on exclusive things and using rich guys (mentioned as “bros”) for money. Next thing, which is kind of fucked up in this book (but not that much) is body image, telling that you have to be skinny. Only thing I can associate with skinny is so-called skinspiration – obsession of way too many teenage girls. And “skinny” shouldn’t be associated with healthy body image because it basically looks like this.

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Back to definition of “betch”. One of the first lines in the book are: “When it comes to most things, it’s okay to let other people, especially men, do things that you are too lazy to do for yourself.” and “Your goal should always be to achieve the maximum result with the least effort; whether it’s through manipulation or taking advantage of an oppportunity.” Correct me, if I’m wrong but does this mean that woman should expect man do most of the things because she’s such precious thing and gift to him? How the hell lazy gold digger is worth something?

Heavy drinking with “pregames” and drug use is described as completely normal thing. Even though this book wasn’t meant to be taken seriously, some young girls might think that doing coke not that big of a deal. Not cool from the authors. There are more shit that I won’t call out here but you get the point. Since this is a book review not whining about bad book, I will mention few phrases that somehow made me have a laugh. Here they are:

  • “So, like they say, there are three lies you can be certain of: I’ll pay you back, I won’t come in your mouth, and I will never talk shit about you.”
  • About spring break: “Do: Dance on tables. Don’t: Fall off tables and not notice that your tube top is at your waist. Where are my boobs? Oh, there they are. All over the Internet.

In conclusion I can say that if you are middle class girl and/or not really spoiled, and/or a gold digger, and/or with a poor sense of humor, you won’t like this book and it’s not worth a single cent. After writing all this I kind of feel as mean as Sady Saxton from “Awkward”, so…

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P.S. If you have read this book and have different thoughts about it or you have something to add about it, go ahead and comment!

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

 

Dear society, stop using sex as a tool.

Dear society, you can’t fool those of us, who are hungry for truth and smart enough to discover it. Sex is just another tool in this big game, used to make us feel worthless and control us. Nowadays slut shaming and virgin shaming is nothing unusual.

For a part of you sex is dirty word, something that people should have just to have kids. “And don’t you ever dare to enjoy sex!” This part of society says. “Sex is what equates us to animals and having it just because of pleasure is something you shouldn’t do ever.” But… what’s the point of prohibbiting something so enjoyable? I guess, I will never understand it. Then from people, who think that sex is only for continuing family and making sure human species doesn’t die out, we can move to those, who believe in waiting until marriage and the concept of virginity. Again, these people think that having sex is dirty… unless it’s with the person you married. Because virginity counts as something special, as a gift you give to someone special. But… what do you really give to this person? An idea of something? You can’t actually prove if woman is a virgin or not. (To find out more, just ask Google about “virginity is a social construct”.) Real meaning in relationship is devotion, loyality, caring and empathy. Biggest part of great relationship has nothing to do with how many people you slept with before unless you have sexually transmited disease. Then it’s different case.

For one more type of people sex counts almost as a prize you get. If you have it, you are a champion. This mostly applies to men, of course but if you’re a woman over eighteen, who has never had vaginal sex, you can feel the pressure, too. I felt it from my friend, who is having sex since she was about fourteen years old. I’m not against having sex and I don’t think there should be a certain age when you should first have it but it’s none of her bussiness when, with who and how often I do it. Also, in my opinion, it loses it’s meaning if you sleep around with many different guys, without having serious relationship. It’s all about quality not quantity and about safety, too. No matter how exciting one night with stranger, having drunk sex might be, if you catch some kind of STD, you might regret it for the rest of your life.

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In the end I’m saying that we all should using sex as a tool. It does not determine our worth as a person. If you wait until marriage – that’s cool! If you are an asexual – great! If you slept with someone before marriage – that’s fine! If you prefer just fingerbang and never had vaginal sex – good for you because that’s none of my or anyone’s damn business. Just be happy with choices you make and stop thinking about sex as an award. It’s just a great activity – just like paragliding or dancing salsa or anything else. You don’t stress that you never tried dancing salsa just because you see some other people doing it, right? So be chill.

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P.S.  There you go. I still can’t stop writing about sex because teenagers are so badly informed about it and I’m secretly hoping that at least on person from 13 to 18 years old will see this article and really think about all this.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Just a beautiful body.

This time is still very busy for me and I have 2 exams comming next week but I didn’t want to leave blog empty. So here’s a little poem I wrote at one lonely night before going to sleep. Feel free to say what you think about it.

I guess you see me just as a beautiful body, 

As someone, who sometimes wants to get naughty.

But I am more than that, in fact,

I am feelings and thoughts, waiting to be discovered,

I am scared girl, waiting to be empowered.

 

I am tears, I am pain,

And no, I’m not saint,

I‘m the wildest passion,

Might be your biggest obsession.

 

But please, I’m not a piece of meat,

I have a heart somewhere beneath.

I can love you to the moon and back

Even when the night turns way too black.

 

But still I’m just a beautiful body

Not someone, who could ever be somebody.

I’m my curves and soft lips,

Just another girl you’ve ever kissed.

 

Please tell me what you think – do you like it or not. No, I’m not a poet and I’ll never be one but at that moment I just had to express myself, othervise I would drown in my own tears. Also I wanted to mention that I was just a little inspired by this slam poem below (the part about not being a piece of meat). It’s just so unique and great. Do you like slam poems?

 

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.