Why I am not the relationship type of girl.

Honestly, from my point of view, relationships in nowadays look more like relationshit, especially, if you’re twenty and under. Those are not functioning relationships but unsuccessful parodies about them. That’s the reason, why I am 17 and haven’t been in one of those so called relationships. Maybe it was just my angel guardian or whoever, who looked out for me, so I didn’t end up as a single teen mom or sucidal teenager, who just got cheated on.


Don’t you ever think that relationships are more like a trend than an actual thing? Like tutu skirts or something – you see that a lot of girls are wearing and suddenly you need those to be cool like them. Often people say “I am in a relationship” when they are just having friends with benefits type of relationship thing or that + expensive gifts and dates. If you still wonder, what’s missing in there – it’s trust, honesty and respect. If there is missing at least one of those things, it’s not a relationship, you’re just fucking other person’s mind and heart. You’re acting like a child whose hormones just started working – you want sex but you don’t want to respect this person, you don’t give a shit about them when they are having hard times, you fight for little, stupid things, you cheat because you’re not grown enough to end one relationship before jumping into another one. It’s fucked up. I hate that people do this and no one ever feels guilty about this. “Oh that’s okay, he’s just an idiot.”, “We weren’t meant for each other”. No shit, you just don’t respect other person and have no idea what romantic relationship is.

Also – whoever invented “girls can’t text guys first” saying is an ass. We all know that nowadays guys until they’re past 20, are very childish, shy etc. Chance that most of them will text first is like 10%. Women aren’t weak gender anymore, cut the stereotypes. If I want to text you first, I will. It doesn’t automatically mean that I’m throwing myself at you.

Let’s talk about cheating, too. If you’re cheat, needless to say you’re an ass but also you don’t respect none of persons involved and don’t respect the relationship. If you want to have sex or kiss another person, just talk to your partner about the chance to do it in an open relationship or end the relationship before you turn into a cheating *****.

I give up already. I’m done wasting time with people, who can’t find time for me. I’m done respecting those, who can’t respect me and being honest to those, who lie to me. I don’t need you to fuck with my feelings. Come back when you’ve matured. You can call me lame but I think that you should get into a relationship only if you can imagine long term relationship with this person and maybe even marriage. Othervise – no, I’m not signing up for this because there’s no guarantee that I’m not gonna be only one that gets hurt.

Xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Renting a trap.

Home… What does this word mean to you? Probably warm, quiet place where to rest & be simply happy. That’s what it means to me, too. The place that I’m living in now is a Hell, not to say more. And I’m not telling that this place would look completely shitty. No. Just… renting a room in a house, who belongs to people you don’t know, is one of the biggest risks you can take. They might be friendly and welcoming or completely opposite – grumpy, mean and hate you. That’s what happened to me and I’m sharing this experience with all of you, so you would never have to deal with this situation.


New school meant new city for me, so I had to rent a place but I couldn’t live in the house I rented for a year, anymore. Going through all advertisments about renting wasn’t really hopeful because our family isn’t the richest at all, so it leaves about 1/4 choices of all that people offer. At that moment my parents have seen all the other potential “homes” and none of them seemed to fit but this one seemed pretty much perfect for them. Room was repaired, it had central heating just for this house and it was close to school. Also, dad had found that there are good reviews about the house owner. When I first visited this place, I had a feeling inside that this isn’t gonna be good. I had no idea but I felt it. My dad and the house owner made an agreement that I would live here for a full school year because there was really no other place to rent, “this good”.What could possibly go wrong? The answer is – everything.

My Hell started with simple comments like: “Why didn’t you clean that electric stove? Why did you used all hot water?” That was just annoying because I never got explained the house rules. He just critisised what I’ve done, like I could already know everything. You know what? I never had a damn electric oven at home and I had no fucking idea, how to clean it (differently that normal oven). Next thing I noticed – I agreed to live with two people in this apartment – owner and his little daughter but often, almost every day there came other people from their family – their smallest child, his mom (owner’s ex-wife), grandma and older daugher of their family. I wouldn’t mind that so much but they are always way too loud and it disturbs me all the time . Worst moments happen, when they decide to hang out in the kitchen, which is next to my room and walls are really thin, so I can hear most of the talks.

Now let’s move to te Level 2 of Hell. Owner’s daugther is very hiperactive and loud child. She’s seven and she loves to run through the apartment, making loud animal noises, squealing and yelling. When I come home from school, I’m super tired and I want to take a nap for an hour but that’s not possible because she is too loud every single day. After trying to talk to grandma, who was there at that time, I gave up. Child is spoiled, they are never gonna say no to her. One more fact – I’m not allowed to invite a friend over because “we’re to loud”. Well, comparing to his spoiled daugther – it’s nothing. Also – knocking but walking in my room before I can even say “yes”. What if I’m naked? That’s just creepy. And the fact that my room has two doors, doesn’t make the situation better.

Third level for real happened just yesterday. I was always afraid of the owner because he’s a serviceman and he’s always very rude and grumpy. I’ve been afraid to go to the kitchen and cook my dinner or even go to the bathroom because – what if he was near? I didn’t need a third parent, a man, who always critisised even the smallest things. Yesterday I came home late because I was visiting a friend in a different city. Later, I couldn’t sleep, so I came out of the house (it was 1 a.m.) to make a phone call to this friend, so I wouldn’t disturb people in house sleeping. When I walked back to house, the owner was furious and he just roared at me: “Why the hell you are walking in and out of here all the time?!” I was so shocked and afraid, I just run upstairs and couldn’t hold my tears anymore. I was so enough of this. I didn’t want to be here. I was afraid, really afraid of him and I still am. It feels like I’m living my own worst nightmare.

I told my parents about it and right now we are looking for another apartment. I still have to deal with all the shit this apartment brings to me and it’s killing me. I’m not sure, I can handle this any longer. I’m the person, who can’t deal with fear very well and then I have panic attacks, which makes it all even worse. I’m in a trap and one thing I know – I probably would be moved to some mental institution before I could’ve lived full school year. Living in constant fear is the worst. I’ve just about year ago finally healed from depression and now I have to deal with all this that makes me feel stressed, sad and angry.

So here’s the thing – don’t rent room in an apartment, if you don’t know the people. Especially, if you are a shy, quiet person, who doesn’t like to be in a contact with people too much. Trust your instincts. Sometimes they can say even more than some reviews. And don’t stay in a place where your landlord doesn’t respect you.

How you ever had bad landlord experience? Maybe you have suggestions, how to make this less of a Hell? Please, comment down below! 

All the best wishes, Porcelain Doll.


Life from an introvert’s eyes.

Too often people think that we’re just shy not introvert and because of this shyness, there’s something seriously wrong with us. From an early age it was really traumatizing to hear things like: “What is wrong with you? Why are you making such a big problem out of this? Stop overreacting! Stop stressing so much!” You know what? It all made me feel like was insane, like there was some serious illness that needed to be healed as soon as possible. I still get that feeling because I like in a world, where most people are extroverts, where it is normal to say out loud what you think, take things easy, work in groups etc. Worst thing is – not only they do what they do, they pressure us to change, to be like them but we can’t. We feel like not in our own skin. Why can’t extroversy and introversy be equal? Why can’t we live in this world together without trying to change each other and making feel each other like we’re insane?

That feeling when I have an idea, question or suggestion but I can’t bring myself to say it out loud, is a part of my everyday life. My self-esteem is really low already, so I’ll better keep quiet than give you a chance to laugh at me again. When people ask me to do something for them, most of the times I just do it because I have no guts to say “no” when I feel that what I am doing is wrong. When people make a group and try to plan something, I don’t speak but when I do, no one hears me because I always speak quiet. But in those rare times when I finally have a chance to say my word, people just frown and say that my opinion is wrong, my idea is dumb or question is silly? Sad part – when someone extrovert speaks his mind, he’s almost never laughed at, people always listen to him.

The truth is – I really feel discriminized. Hating introverts and thinking that the way they act, think and feel is wrong is the same as bad as hating some race or sex. It’s the way we are and we don’t chose that, so would you please stop making us feel like an outcast? All I ask for is rights – the same that other people have. I want to be heard, I want to be loved for who I am.

P.S. Sorry, if there are any spelling mistakes.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

It’s a love trap.

Being in love most of the times sucks. And it sucks even more, if you can’t tell it to the person you love. It can suck the most if this person is your friend. Just friend, who probably looks at you like your little sister. As much as I wish that plot of a romantic movie, where guy, who I had a crush on and who was my closest friend for a long time, falls in love with me, the chance for it to happen is about 3% from 100%. In 97% possibility is to end up heartbroken and sad. Worst thing is – I don’t know, if telling it will make it better or worse.

Since I last met him, I feel like I’ve gone crazy. Or maybe just fell for him really madly and there’s no way to come back from it or stop it. How could I not for a really attractive guy, who is older than me, smart, funny and gets me most of the times. Besides – we almost never fight. He must be The One, right? I guess, I’ll never find out. I’m such a chicken cause I’ll never tell him, I’ll never ask. My heart is still shattered from last guy I liked a lot. I’m not ready to have a downfall again.

When you’re young, things are easy. Crushes are based on appearence more than personality. One day you can smile, flirt with him and almost melt and the next day you can easily ignore him like nothing happened. When you get older and start falling for a person because of his/her personality, it gets deeply fucked up and you can’t just – SNAP! – forget it and continue living. Especially, if he’s close to you. And how even it would be possible, in my case, to forget a guy I started to get to know seven years ago? I’ll stop with pointless ponderings of crazy in love person right now. Just two questions at the end of this post.

What would you do in a situation like this? What’s your experience with falling in love with your best friend? 

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

13 ways, how I show you I love you without even saying it.

I’m not sure I even will ever admit my feelings but I can’t stop… feeling it. You are special and I’d do anything for you. Maybe you don’t notice, maybe you do, I have no idea but here’s ways, how I show, how much you mean to me. Even in smallest things.

  • Sometimes I text you first. Fuck stereotypes, I care and I’m not afraid to show it.
  • I compliment you. Not because I desperately want you to like me even more but because I really mean it. You ARE special.
  • I hug you tight and hold it for a while. Honestly, I don’t want to let you go.
  • I play with your hair. Chessy but true.
  • Maybe sometimes I stare too much. Can’t help the fact that I started noticing that you are like a masterpiece – not perfect but beautiful & catch my eye like a magnet.
  • I ask how are you, how was your day.
  • I smile a lot around you. I can’t believe that we are together here and now, and it makes me incredibly happy.
  • I may act but don’t feel super ashamed about that. You know me too well and you’re still here, so it’s okay to be me.
  • I accept you – every part of you. I don’t want to change you.
  • I support you and remind you a lot that you are capable of big things. I’ve seen it myself.
  •  I text you at random times when something weird/funny/sad happens to me.
  • I start to miss you just few minutes after you say goodbye. It sucks to not see you everyday.
  • I listen to you no matter what you said and laugh about all you’re jokes, even if they are really silly.

I bet many people can relate to at least few of these things. It’s not always necessary to say those three words, sometimes actions speak much louder. :)

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

True reasons why school does no good to us.

For a long time of my life I actually thought that school matter and it is very important in human’s life. Bam! Attitude change. I’m not against education in general but I’m very against schools in nowadays. I don’t really know, how things were in last century and even earlier but 21st century schools are suitable only for average extroverts not smart kids or/and introverts. Here’s a list of reasons why is that.

  • Quiet kids never got a chance. Honestly, teachers don’t really like quiet kids and they don’t give a shit that they might be smarter than the ones, who always yell out loud answers even if they sound really dumb. Yeah, I’m saying that as one of the quiet crew. I just want you, teachers, to know that I’ve got an opinion, too and I want you to stop acting like I am a f-ing wallflower. And no, I am not gonna scream my lungs out like most of the students, that’s not what smart people do!
  • It’s all about knowing every word in a book, not about analysing and logically thinking. Can we just stop for a moment and think about all the reasons that caused each war and what was in, for example, Hitler’s mind, when he started all that? I’m done with dry facts and all those years, and dates. It’s not like I’m gonna grab some oranges at the market and not be able to buy them as long as I won’t remember in which year Stalin died.
  • Bullying. It doesn’t matter, if you’re the same of different skin colour, some people gonna bully us anyways, just because they want to. If are not completely mentally okay, you should visit a psychologist and be able to attend school only when you can treat people well.
  • Dumb and loud students get more attention. Have you ever been sitting in a lesson, where you understand everything but most people don’t? So most lessons pass by just with dumb questions and no new information. Besides – teacher’s so busy with those, who don’t know a shit than ignores you completely.
  • The majority is always right. Many of us can relate to this or similar situation. Teacher asks if you want to split in groups for some group work. You and few people don’t agree to that but most of the students do. So you’re working in this damn group against you will and either you are doing all the work or no one even listens to you. You are not f-ing there.
  • Creativity gets destroyed. You are not able to do something different that most of the students do, you are not able to think differently… Your ideas get rejected because they’re too hard, weird, unusual and people just don’t like those, who aren’t average.
  • Too high expectations. We all know a teacher, who is a total perfectionist. He/she does everything great in his subject and desperately wants a student to do the same and even love that thing as much as he/she does. That’s just not realistic and at the end all we get is stress which in some cases leads to depression.
  • You need to be equally good at everything. Our P,E, teacher always says: “If you want to be a good musician, you need to be a good sportsman.” This is the most illogical thing I’ve ever heard. Einstein’s quote says it all.

I am not writing this as a clingy, lazy student, who hates education. I just want to make this all clear and say what many of us wanted to say a long time ago. As long as schools won’t have serious improvement, they will do more bad to us than good. I want us to think logically not just remember bunch of dry facts, I want chances to express my creativity, I want teachers, who will hear me out not ignore me and who will know, how much to expect from me and be happy with even smallest improvement. I want equal chances to participate in lesson. Smallest thing that could be changed is teacher’s attitude. Please, give everyone a chance. It’s important and I really help that at least one teacher will be reading this and think about it.

And at the end few quotes of some geniuses and very smart people about school.

Norman Douglas

  • Education is a state-controlled manufactory of echoes.

Alice James

  • I wonder whether if I had an education I should have been more or less a fool than I am.

Helen Beatrix Potter

  • Thank goodness I was never sent to school; it would have rubbed off some of the originality.

Margaret Mead

  • My grandmother wanted me to have an education, so she kept me out of school.

Elbert Hubbard

  • You can lead a boy to college, but you cannot make him think.

David P. Gardner

  • Much that passes for education is not education at all but ritual. The fact is that we are being educated when we know it least.

Paul Simon

  • When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school, it’s a wonder I can think at all.


  • The creative person is usually rebellious. He or she is the survivor of a trauma called education.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Heartbreak and simple happiness afterwards.

Maybe just about month ago I was still pretty sure that I had met a guy I want to be in a relationship. I even thought, he might be the one. Yes, the same one I told you about many times before, this Internet guy. Silly. Loving someone isn’t blind but having a crush is. I met him only three times, I didn’t even knew him that long. I thought I did but looks like it was the biggest ilusion in my life in my life. I a guy makes you cry more than makes you smile – leave him. And if he doesn’t even apologize for hurting you and does not realize what he is doing – run, girl! He’s probably a fuckboy and they don’t know shit about feelings. They are like robots, who doesn’t have feelings, they think only with their dicks. Maybe right now it might sound funny or unrealistic that you will have to deal with a fuckboy but… there’s 99,9% chance you will. He might look like your dream guy, even act like one but later he makes you cry, beg, apologize… And never does any of these things himself.

So back to this fuckboy – I finally had a chat with him, more than a half year after our first kiss and all. You probably already know, what he answered me. “You know, I really liked you but I’m not seeking for relationships and it was just a fling.” If before these words I was ready to stay friends with him, afterwards I realized that there was no dust from friendship. Friends do not hurt each other like that, they don’t toy with each other’s feelings. Maybe these words, that he liked me was a lie, too. I don’t believe a thing that happened was real. For about half an hour I was crying and sobbing. I couldn’t believe that it was true. But later I calmed down and realized that at least I was finally set free. I didn’t have any hopes left that we could ever be together and it made my heart ligher. I don’t have to worry about it anymore. But hey, it’s okay, we all sometimes fall in love in ilusions not people.

Next night I met a really good friend of mine and spent really fun night with him together. And I had few new thoughts in my head. I’m gonna share one of them. I always thought that to feel really close with a guy, you need to kiss him or do something more. Oh, I was so wrong. I never felt so close with someone as that night when we were laying in bed close to each other and just talking. So simple yet so amazing. Then I realized that laying next to someone after bunch of empty kisses and touching didn’t mean a shit. This did. Funny, that we don’t need much to be really happy. Just someone by our side, someone, who understands, knows how weird we are but accepts that and someone with who to laugh together about silly jokes. That’s the biggest happiness in the world to me. Mostly we imagine those moments happening in movies but it’s real. So real that it brings tears of happiness to eyes and makes me want to last it like that forever. Also, now I understand, how it feels when you say goodbye to someone, for 5 minutes are happy and then already start missing them. I get it finally.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Freshen up your life!

Hey, pretty people! I just couldn’t keep some good ideas that I’ve found recently to myself. The truth is – not every time when you’re out of ideas, how to make your life more colourful, you need to leave the house. You don’t have to suddenly join that football team or art lessons. If you’re the person, who’s quiet, shy and loves to stay at home most of the time (just like me), these ideas might sound very good for you. Let’s jump in!

  • Dark chocolate/banana bites. For few months I just laughed about this idea because it’s just too easy. Just cut the banana in smaller pieces and dip it into melted chocolate. Wait until chocolate isn’t that hot anymore and put those bites in the fridge. Done. Too easy, huh? But it really helps with unwanted cravings for sweets and tastes like candy. Don’t buy those candies, just make healthy and delicios banana bites.
  • Veggie pizza. What? I’m not a vegetarian! That’s what I thought before I actually tried making this. After trip to Italy, my thoughts about pizzas kinda changed and just yesterday I made a pizza with spinach, tomatoes, onions, ketchup and mozarella cheese. Much healthier and even more tasty version of pizza, believe it or not. You don’t need a meat to make great pizza!
  • DIY clothes. I never thought I would make something new from my old clothes because I can’t sew with sewing machine at all. But BAM! Here’s the thing – you don’t need to sew to make your clothes look much different. It’s mostly about scissors and glue. Watch the video below to know more and check out whole playlist that I’ve created about this.
  • And… if all you miss right now is kinda cheesy, happy song, then I’m sharing this with you, too!

Have a nice day! :)

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Dear special friend…

I remember the day I met you very well. While I first saw your smile and heard your laugh, I thought: “I really want to be friends with this guy.” I was too shy back then and no wonder – I was just almost 10 years old and you were 4 and a half years older which seemed like such big difference back then. I wasn’t sure what you will think of me and will you ever want to be friends with me. But after some time I bring myself together and wrote to you. Big was my surprise when you said that of course, you remember me. I was shy, still unsure but somehow we started knowing each other better and better. Only thing – when I saw you again, I was too shy to even say hi. I don’t know, what got on to me. You were standing there just so happy, confident, so amazing that I lost words completely. You were my first big crush.

One time back then we had a fight. You couldn’t stand my shyness. We told some shit to each other and didn’t spoke for about month. I couldn’t handle it. I apologized. Why? I just missed your jokes, your view to life, your smile, your voice… Everything. You were the first light in my dark life. I couldn’t loose you just like that. And then… than more I knew about you, that more I liked you. I even got confused – are these feelings just friend related or more? Confusion never got away, it is still there.


I adore you. All moments come back in flashbacks. Making faces to each other, telling jokes, sharing problems and great moments in life, hugs… I’m stuck in those moments. I just want to keep you in my life forever, doing silly little things like people do in movies – dance in the rain, watch movies, take walks at night, dance together, be completely honest to each other, teach each other new things… I want us to laugh hard about silly things like little kids. I really want that with you. I want so much fun that when I’m old, it brings tears of happiness in my eyes.

What can I say?  You are more than a brother to me. You are one of the greatest friends that I’ve ever had. You make me feel so alive. You are the sun in the most rainy day. When I’m feeling down, I remember that you wouldn’t want me to give up. When I’m thinking that life has no reason, I remember that there’s you. I want to meet you again, talk to you again and have memorable moments much more than we already had. Thank you for not judging, supporting, making me laugh and much more.

P.S. Well, that was deep. But this is how I feel. I’d do anything to make him happy, that much I care. 

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Heart on the sleeve.

Yeah, about two weeks ago I told you about going to a school trip. Heck, I’m not in a mood to write about that now, so I’m gonna post that story when I’ll be ready. All I can think of is… that feeling, when life suddenly is turned upside down by someone. And I don’t know, if that us a good or a bad feeling because one day I feel in love, happy and all and on the other I’m crying, yelling and feeling like shit. I know that if there wouldn’t be bad times, we wouldn’t be able to reconize good ones but I’m tired of being hurt. I want bunch of good emotions, not good ones and bad ones 50/50. I don’t deserve to feel like shit and you don’t have rights to make me feel like that. No one does have rights to make feel other person to feel like nothing.


No matter how much you think the bad boy is the one you should pick, don’t. He’ll break your trust and heart in seconds. He has no feelings, he has offensive jokes and he loves drama. Maybe sometimes the good boy, the one, who always makes you feel happy and with who you can be whoever you want is the right one. I’d better choose calm, happy life than one with mood and emotion swings. In relationships most people need stability not feeling that in any moment all this big love could explode and leave tiny pieces that will never be able to put back together.

Not sure, if this makes any sense but… choose carefuly, with who you get in a relationship. I wish I could give a big hug to all girls, whose hearts were broken by bad boys. You don’t deserve this. You deserve better.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.