Little March 3rd’s update

Okay, I feel really bad for being away so long. But school really takes away all my energy, creativeness and optimism. I feel too exhausted and ad to even write here. But here I am now and I’m feeling better than I probably should.

For a long time I was in this “hopelessly crushing on someone I’ll never have” situation. It made me feel really mad, sad and… just terrible. I couldn’t stop contacting to him but also I couldn’t make things like they were a year ago. Then everything seemed quiet perfect – he was The One for me, The Perfect Guy I would want to marry one day and spend all my life with. But you know what all this was? Bullshit! I have this bad thing about idealizing people and wishing they could act like they did before. If we shared good memories but everything’s fucked up right now, I’m still gonna be the one, desperately trying to bring all that back. But the sad thing is – it never comes back. I realized that this guy was just another pointless crush, even more pointless than the one before. Shit just happens. But you know what? I’m thankful that it happened right now, not later, when he could shatter my heart even into smaller pieces. Just few weeks ago I was crying in my pillow and praying that someone (God, destiny, something else?) would give me a sign what to do. And now it happened. Now everything took it’s place and I’m feeling free and quiet happy.

What else? People in school. Maybe I really am where I am supposed to be. Many people in my school are actually very nice which is totally opposite of what was in my first school. So here I am – almost like a fish in the water. The thing that makes me the happiest person ever is spending time with two other guitarists. Sometimes it’s just great to talk about all that guitar stuff and help them to do something better.

When it comes to most of subjects in school… I still don’t understand a sh*t but somehow get okay grades.

And from now on I will learn to be thankful for what I have. It’s not that bad right now, is it?

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

My first quote

Loving someone, who’s broke,hurt and taking someone’s problems as your own can turn out really painful because soon you don’t know, who’s more emotionally damaged – you or the person you love.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

“50 Shades Of Grey” review

Now I can proudly say that I’m one of those people, who already have seen “50 Shades Of Grey” and who love it. No, I haven’t been to cinema because first I couldn’t find a friend, who would like to see this movie with me and now I’m ill. But we have this great thing, called Internet in these days, so I find this movie online.Yes, it is possible but hard to find it online. I watched it somewhere in Russian but I can’t put a link in here because my computer broke down. That’s also the reason, why I didn’t post earlier because I saw the movie already two days ago.

So… here’s my “50 Shades Of Grey” review. Easier to explain everything in a list because if I’ll write just like this, it will turn into a one big mess and you won’t understand a thing.

  • Actors. Many people are saying that Jamie Dornan and especially Dakota Johnson aren’t the best choices for Christian’s and Anastasia’s roles. How could you even say that? Jamie perfectly showed dangerous and mysterious side of Christian Grey but Dakota in Anastasia’s role really seemed innocent, shy but then loving. And who else if not Jamie Dornan, could give That Look? 
  • Storyline. I have no idea, what happens in the book because I never red it but in movie… I couldn’t say a bad thing about whole story idea and all that. I just enjoyed the movie. Also I’ve red some negative comments, saying that movie was boring. How could you say that? I wasn’t bored even for a second! All the time I was super curious aboutwhat will happen next.
  • One little thing. I guess, there’s only one little thing that I didn’t like in this movie. Eloise Mumord as Kate aka Anastasia’s bff. Again, I have no idea, what happens in the book, but in this movie she’s super annoying. 
  • One more little thing. How many of you realized that Christian’s step sister Mia is starred by Rita Ora? I wanted her a little more in this movie. That just wasn’t enough and I’m not saying that just because I really adore her. 
  • Also… Am I the only one, who found this funny? xD Okay, if yes then I’m probably weird. 
  • About sex scenes… I didn’t find them disgusting or vulgar. Call me weird if you want to but that was just a part of whole masterpiece, called “50 Shades Of Grey”. There are shown more than you could usually see in romantic movies, dramas or wherever you could see some intimacy but it wasn’t made vulgar. To those, who have this “Sex is gross and they shouldn’t show it in movies at all” attitude I can only say: “Don’t watch this movie and don’t judge it.”
  • And if you think that this is just porn for women or something, you couldn’t be more wrong. It isn’t. There is a story, too. There is a reason, why Christian Grey loves (quote) to fuck hard not to make love. There is a reason, why he isn’t like all normal people and that’s why his character makes so many women to like him. Maybe it’s human nature or what but some women like emotionally damaged and hurt men, who aren’t really okay. And it’s quiete dangerous to fall in love with broken person because you fall really hard and can’t let him go. And while you’re with him, if you’re not strong enough, he can damage you, too. So here you go. In my opinion, it’s not only about sex, it’s about love, too.

For review that’s enough. Enjoy some GIF’s and go, watch that movie as soon as you can! It’s really worth it! Still – it’s better than cheesy romantic movies, right?

And here’s the playlist of soundtracks in this movie. 

xoxo, your “50 Shades Of Grey” obsessed Porcelain Doll.

White crow.

People have been throwing rocks at me as long as I remember myself. There is no moment in my life, when I could act friendly with most of the people. At least not with people in my age or close to it. I still haven’t found out what’s the thing they hate about me. I have changed my looks, the way I talk, the way I act but it does not make them like me more. I’m sick of getting hate from so many people without any reason. I want normal, chill life without arguments about pointless things. I want people to love me for who I am. All these years, especially last one in my life, I have changed myself for better. I haven’t been cutting since the beginning of July 2014. I try to think first and only then say what’s on my mind. I try to play the guitar more so I could be better musician. I help others more. The most untrue quote I’ve ever heard is: “Love yourself and then everybody else will love you.” How dumb. It never works in real life. People are the meanest creatures on this planet and seems like it’s only getting worse.

Now I can really understand, what Kurt Cobain meant with his quote: “A friend is nothing but a known enemy.” You can’t really know, who are your true friends. Some of people just act like them to get what they want. When they got, they turn tables and get mean from, like you think, nowhere. I had this one so called friend. She was very friendly in the beginning of first school year in my new school. I thought that I finally will have true best friend. Oh, how I was wrong! After two or three months we weren’t talking at all. She turned out to be almost like Regina George from “Mean girls”. As long as I played by her rules, she was nice to me. After that – egoistic and ignorant. The sad thing is – from twelve people in my class, I talk only to one. Other of them aren’t talking to me at all or only in rare moments. Maybe it’s because I’m taking music too seriously, maybe because I don’t smoke and drink 3 or more times a week. Also, I don’t sleep around and I’m quiet.

I have no idea, which time in my life it is again but I’m in wrong place again. I don’t really fit in here. I don’t think I even fit somewhere. This world seems just not a place for me. I’m too weird, too sarcastic, too quiet… I give up on being nice to those, who don’t deserve it. I give up on trying them to like me, to even talk to me. That’s just pointless, they will never give a shit. People are too concentrated on themselves and their problems. They are ready to leave dead bodies behind them just to succeed. In some situations this kind of attitude is acceptable but not when you paddle someone’s feelings all the time. It’s sad, how people don’t care about spiritual values anymore.

No, I’m not trying to say that I don’t have any friends because it wouldn’t be true. I have few good friends but they don’t live close to me and it breaks my heart. I want to meet them, to have a good time with them and feel happy but I just can’t. I’m stuck here again with bunch of degraded persons that have no reason to live and no chance to succeed ever. Makes me feel sad again. I’m tired of always being in the wrong place and feeling unhappy because of it.

P.S. Can stop listening to this. Lyrics are just perfect. <3

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Random acts of kindness.

Hello again, cool people! Right now I actually find pretty easy just to go here and write one post every day or every few days. It’s already part of my every day routine and I don’t need to think for hours about what to post. Happy to see that you are already 155! Never thought that so many people will be interested in my opinion, thoughts, memories and all that stuff.

Talking about this day’s topic – it’s very unusual to meet random nice strangers because most of people are being bitchy all the time. For example, if I’d say that my classmate wasn’t friendly today, it wouldn’t be enough said. Okay, that’s a long story and I’m not gonna bring it up right now because I don’t want to ruin my good mood in this evening. So here’s a question for you all – how often random strangers or person, who you don’t know very well, are nice to you? I would say that most of people – strangers or not – are being bitchy to me and each other all the time. You won’t see so called “random acts of kindness” (check on youtube) very often.

So today I was going home by bus again and carrying my backpack and guitar. Not that easy to not be clumsy and look weird from point of view of others. I was just standing there and some guy, about two years older than me or so, stood up, smiled at me and said: “Take a seat.” Seriously – no one ever did that to me or someone I know. All people think that you should only offer a seat to older people not some teenage girl, who is carrying her guitar and heavy backpack. So yeah – I was super surprised but smiled and took a seat. That one little moment really made me smile and think about being good to others.

Also one more thing before – little, about 9 year old boy, who just come to me in school and started talking to me. In that moment I was glad that I understand Russian but whatever, it doesn’t matter. I just want to say that it’s cool that someone, even if that’s complete stranger, walks to you and starts talking to you like he knows you. And if this someone is little boy or girl, it’s even more…touching. Actually I really do like children. Not those ones, who are cursing all the time and bullying others, no. I like the ones, who are quiet, polite, positive and friendly. Yeah, I confess – I’m that person, who looks at little kids and thinks: “Would I want my future child to be just like him/her?”

Last thing I want to show you – one of those “random acts of kindness” videos that actually are very inspiring and cool.

I’m thinking that I should try something similar to this, at least one thing like that but I’m still too shy to do that. I don’t think that people in Latvia would understand, if I’d give flowers to some random stranger or something like that. Kindness is so rare that people in a situation like this might think that person, who does this, has just… “gone with birds”. But – who cares? There will be one day when I’ll be brave enough to do this. :) And you should try it, too!

Be nice and have an awesome day!

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Sterotype breaker: girl and guy CAN be just good friends.

Yo, people! I’m just starting this post the way good friend of mine usually greets me. xD No big intro, let’s skip to the best!

Of course, all of us have heard this phrase: “Girl and guy can’t be friends without any romantic feelings.” It’s bullshit, seriously. Of course, depends on situation and every person BUT this guy vs. girl friendship things actually does work in real life and I made sure about it myself.

Yesterday I went to Riga and met good friend of mine. I haven’t met him for nine months and it seems like forever. But whatever. The things is – I’ve known him for 6 and a half years and we never really had real, long conversation until yesterday. I admit – I had a crush on him few years ago but that was the kind of childish crush, when you’re like: “Aww, he’s so cute. Oh, I love the way he looks at me.” but you can’t really imagine kissing this person or something. After few years it kinda disappeared. (Or maybe all this time it was that Big Brother kind of crush?)

So yeah, we went to cafe for a drink then went for a walk a talked a lot. Weird, huh? I haven’t been talking to him all this time like that because I felt so shy but now I’ve been talking to him like he’s the closest friend to me ever. I said everything that was in my mind, we laughed a lot, I listened to every word he said and it felt so natural. And you know that moment, when you just look at someone, he looks at you and you both understand each other without words? Yeah, that happened few times, too. We spent just one and a half hours together but it was amazing. We’re having that perfect age difference when it’s small enough to act similar and understand each other but big enough for him to give me advice and listen to me like mature person would. (Yeah, I’m gonna be seventeen this year and he’s gonna be twenty one.)

Now I just need to find a chance to visit him more often and everything will be fine. Two times a month would be perfect. I’m actually starting to understand that life is amazing thing that is given to us. It’s our choice, how to make it bright and full of memories. It’s like this – your teacher gives you blank piece of paper and pencils in different colours. It’s the only piece of paper you can have. Now try to create a masterpiece for the first time. That’s what you do to your life. Friends are some of colour pencils that are given to us. It’s our choice – put and keep them in our life or not and if yes, then how often.

I really hope, you get my messy thoughts and understand what I am trying to say. What I wish to you all people, is to find a friend of opposite sex that you don’t fall in love with but love like a brother or sister. That’s one of the greatest life goals ever.

P.S. I really, really love this guy like my older brother and I want to be there for him no matter what. He’s the kind of person I just want to hug and say: “Don’t worry. I’m here and I believe that you can do it. You’re smarter and stronger than you think. You deserve more. Don’t give up.”

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

How to tell that it’s your “black” (unlucky) day.

Hey, hey! I guess, this isn’t my “black” day but, waiting for my bus a long time, I got few things in my mind that totally make your day one of those black days.

Here’s some of the things that can turn your day into “black” day as well. (From small bad things to real “horror stories”.)

  • Your bus leaves earlier, just when you’re close enough to see it but to far away from it, to run and jump in it.
  • Your tights got hole in them in a mystical way and you have no chance to change them.
  • You forgot code to your credit card.
  • You ruined your only white blouse with black mascara clump in a last minute, the day when you have concert or interview.
  • You accidentally sent naughty text to your boss not your boyfriend.
  • You realize that you left your handbag in a bus but it’s gone already.
  • You didn’t pass your exam, ignoring the fact, you studied for hours every day.
  • You bump into someone with a drink in his hand and got your new dress ruined.
  • Your period started but you’re wearing your favorite jeans and have no pads or tampons with you.
  • You got insults from more than one person in a bus that’s crowded.
  • You travel somewhere or go to visit someone and then, when you’re already far enough away from home, you remember that you forgot your phone charger, money or something as much as important.

Okay, that’s enough for now. Not feeling very well to imagine some more of these situations. But you get my point and totally understand because there’s probably no person in this world, who never experienced any of these. I guess, I should take my afternoon nap and skip next class. Have a nice day, everyone!

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

He makes me go crazy.

Hey, dear people. I needed some time to put my thoughts in right places. The thing is – there’s even bigger mess in my mind than it was before. I’m feeling completely happy and completely ruined at the same time. I don’t think, there is a way back.

Before you kiss a person you really like, there’s a connection that you can easier or harder break anytime. You can get rid of it somehow. When you kiss this person, there’s no way back, I guess, if you’re really in love with him/her. If there are no feelings and just lust, it’s easy to stop everything you started. When there’s passion, love, care, lust and all that in one big mix, it really blows your mind. You feel high for a while without any drugs, then you get very sad because this happy moment is over…

Yeah, it’s all about so called Prince Charming in my life. The same guy I had fight with. Now we’re fine and maybe even better. What surprised me is – when he kissed me, I really felt “butterflies in my stomach”, no jokes. I thought that it will feel special with him but I was still surprised about that. With first kiss he took my breath away and I just wanted more. My heart was beating so fast. I was just staring at him and feeling… like I never felt before. Hard to describe it. All this time we were very good friends and then, suddenly, good friends, who wanted something more. We both don’t want serious relationship and, I guess, I’m okay with that. But I don’t want us to turn in fuck buddies or just friends. I wanted him to be my best friend and at the same time I wanted him to love me. I wanted him to need me like he never needed anyone. I was ready to go crazy for him and give everything, if he was going to do that, too. If somehow I could make sure of that, I would do everything for us. Crazy, huh?

I have no idea, how all this will turn out but I hope for the best. One thing I know – I’m ready to work for this relationship and do everything to keep it. He’s great person and no matter, how crazy it sounds, I could imagine spending my life with him.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Dedicated to music.

I realize that during 8 and a half years, playing the guitar and giving most of my time to music, a lot has changed. I’m not that little girl, who just wanted to try this because of curiosity. No. Now I’m more sure than ever that the thing I’m doing right now, will be the thing, I’ll do 10 years from now, 20 years from now and probably until the day I die. There are hard times, too but it doesn’t change my thoughts that right now I’m not just wasting my time on something.

When my teacher two years ago said that when he started to completely dedicate himself to music, he lost most of his friends, I couldn’t understand, how could that be possible. I was sure that friends are the most important thing in my life from all others. I always put my friends first, before family, career and… everything. Now I understand that it was a mistake. Friends come and go, and they might even be fake. Family does never change and that’s why I should put it second and appreciate it. Career will always come first, though.

But now – back to losing friends and dedicating yourself to your career. I always thought that I have enough friends, even many of them. I used to think that all people I talk to almost every day about something that have in common, are my friends. But then hard times came and while I, sobbing, scrolled through my phone contacts, I realized, there’s actually no one I could call and tell what’s wrong with me. There was no one, who’d care about me like that. And when I wanted to meet them, they all were always busy with their damn relationship, parties, studying and all other stuff. A person, who tells that he’s busy all the time you text him or call him, doesn’t really care about you. A person, who doesn’t understand your passion for something, your feelings and your interests, can’t be your friend.

Than more time passes, than more I understand. I have many friends people that I know. That’s all. If I’d ever should chose between friendship and career, I’d pick second. If I should pick between relationship and career, again – I would pick my career. As long as I don’t give up on doing what I love, it will never really leave me. With friends and relationship, it’s completely different story. You can never give up on person but if he will give up on you, that’s the end. So, I guess, it should be better to be married with your career than some person. Because… you should chose the thing that will always be with you no matter what, otherwise you’ll end up with having nothing.

Do you dedicate all of you to your career? Is that the most important thing in your life? My answer is yes to both of those questions and I’ve never been more sure about it. At least, musican’s career doesn’t end as long as he doesn’t decide to end it. That’s the best thing about being a musican and giving all I have to music.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.


Hey! So today I was just watching videos in youtube and came across this one, called “Unfriended”. Here’s real life story about girl, who got killed by two girls, she thought we’re her best friends. Sick and sad, isn’t it? I was close to tears, watching this because… how someone in such a young age could be so mean? =( I wish, they would spend all their lives in prison because what they did is totally terrible and unforgivable. Okay, no more comments, just watch the video.

Yeah, I’m weird, finding them on twitter and reading their tweets, trying to figure out something of them but I bet, I’m not the only one doing this.

From the left: Shelia, Rachel and Skylar.

I guess, you’ll always be surprised about what people can do.

Rest in peace, Skylar.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

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