A lot of things have happened since I last wrote a post on here. I fell in love for real, I made love for the first time with someone I loved, I had a heartbreak, stress and a lot of confusion. I’m not sure I will have a lot of time to write here and I’m not sure I even want to do that. I’m not sure I have anything meaningful to say and I don’t want to just fill this blog with trash information, so… forgive me. Blogging forever will be my hobby, not a fully time job.
About the heartbreak and the weird kind of relationship – I don’t regret a second of it. Like a weird writer person would say – I think it would make a good story. It doesn’t really matter that he was kind of a psycho, to be honest, the fact that we had passion, we have memories and it might make a good material for book is all that matter for me. Yes, I do want to write a book based on our story because… it’s not a typical love story, maybe it isn’t love story at all. It might be just a mix of cofusion, desire, loneliness. It was interesting while it lasted and I wouldn’t take all the kisses, pain and conversations back even if I could. I loved him with all my heart but I guess it’s better for me without him. At least I realized, how deeply I am able to love someone. When it comes to guys right now – I’m confused. I kind of want a loving relationship but I have lost belief in love. I guess, when the time comes, I will fall in love again.
Also – I’ve been seeing a therapist. Yes, I’m depressed, there’s no shame in admitting it. A lot of people are. I can’t really talk to my parents about my feelings, they aren’t open minded at all. I doubt that most of people I thought are my friends really are true friends. It feels better to be alone than with someone, who doesn’t support your life decisions and always doubts your choices. I hate taking antidepressants but I don’t really have another choice. I can’t change school, move to another country or something. I’m stuck here for another 2 years, so all I can do is stuff myself with pills, cry and sleep it off. I’m stressed, I’m nervous, I feel alone, sleepy and I lack motivation. It’s kind of funny, how at one moment it feels okay but at another one like everything is falling apart. I don’t want to think about anything, I just want to sleep. I’m tired of stress, emotions and the fact that people don’t understand me and think I’m weird. I’m just done. So maybe I’m done with this blog, too because everything I write here seems kinda useless. I’m so sorry.
xoxo, Porcelain Doll.