Self discovery: becoming self-confident woman.

It is such a big and long path, isn’t it? It’s amazingly breathtaking and full of unexpected good and bad surprises. From careless little girl to anxious girl in her early teen years and later to almost seventeen years old teenager, who has finally learned at least few of the most important things in life.

Watching and hearing, how one of my friends is desperately trying to get back her ex-boyfriend and/or seducing few other good looking guys, made me really think. Why is she always all about looks and boys? It seems like if you don’t like a queen every second in a day and don’t have a guy beside you, you’re a shit and nothing. Is she really one of those girls, who think that women are made for men? That we are born to be everything they order us to be and if we are not like that, they have all rights to treat us like shit? It’s such a big no-no for me. Just two or three years I was the one, who cried if my crush didn’t text me back or suddenly lost all interest in me. When this happens to me now, I just say: “Oh wow, guys can really be fuck-ups. I guess, we were never meant to be and he is just another frog in my way before I get to meet My Prince Charming. If one guy (or maybe few guys) didn’t find you interesting or disappointed you, it doesn’t mean that you will be forever alone. Wrong. Too many girls and women are so afraid of being alone that they get together with first guy they can get and then it becomes a relationship you don’t really want to have. In this relationship you just fight all the time because he doesn’t like the real you or even worse – you change yourself and loose your true You because of him. None of these chances are brilliant so you better step off, when Mr. Wrong one is somewhere near. It’s really not worth it.

Shout out to all faithful, honest girls and women, who are ready to work on a relationship no matter what. Sad thing is that those girls get hurt the most because at least teenage boys are usually soon chasing after hoes. I have no idea, what they are really thinking about, making choices like this but… it sucks. Other one of my really good friends just got out in a relationship in a really bad way – her boyfriend just got back together with his ex without telling a thing to my friend. Sounds like Asshole no.1, right? Why, oh why, guys don’t want to fight over girls that they are ready to be always there for them and make everything work out? All my life I thought that if any kind of a relationship doesn’t work out and someone just goes away, it’s my fault for being too faithful, nice and all that. They just used me and left. I tried to be a cold hearted bitch and act like I don’t care but it really didn’t work. And just this year I understand that it’s great that I’m a good person, ready to sacrifice in a relationship and if someone doesn’t appreciate that, it’s his/her damn fault not mine.

All you, especially teenage girls, should understand that… you don’t really need a man. You should be able to live and be happy without them. If you won’t learn, how to love yourself and be happy without help of other people, you will always feel empty and find yourself chasing after wrong people. I realized all this on my own. Life isn’t about finding your other half, who would make you happy. It’s about finding new ways, how to love yourself more because you’re not a half, you’re one whole person and there is nothing missing in you that could be completed only by someone else.

I really hope that this made something more clear to you all and made you realize, how being happy and self-confident woman really works. Actually, I could say that the same goes with men. You don’t need a woman to be you, to be happy. All this couple and love shit is overrated. I, personally, don’t see a need to be in a relationship at all, if I don’t feel that this is the right person to me. Being with someone just to be in a relationship or just hoping to feel more happy and self-confident is totally dumb. Don’t be that person. You are smarter now and you will learn to love yourself, improve yourself and be, who you really want to be. And then – when you will least expect it, Mr. or Ms. Right one will show up.

Cher said it right.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

I’m a make up weirdo.

Honestly, I am one weird girl, who’s always trying to find new ways how to express herself. I used to draw a lot, when I was younger but now somehow I stopped doing it. Instead of that, I started to experiment with make up. Many times, when I felt really pissed, sad or mad, I just took all the make up I have and… started express all that I feel on my face. I never felt more surprised. I always was the girl, who knew nothing about it because my mum usually doesn’t use make up at all and couldn’t teach me a thing. But here I am, starting to feel kinda hooked into this thing. You’ll probably think I am a terrible amateur but… everyone starts somewhere. So here are few pics of all those crazy experiments.

I tried really hard to look like Taylor Swift in "Blank space", jut without those red lips because it looked terrible on me.

I tried really hard to look like Taylor Swift in “Blank space”, just without those red lips because it looked terrible on me.



This was my 1st April joke this year. Yeah, I shouldn’t have made that face but you get the point.

No, no one beat me up. I just saw few make up tutorials about this and wanted to try that. It sucks, I know. xD

No, no one beat me up. I just saw few make up tutorials about this and wanted to try that. It sucks, I know. xD

This pics has some effects on it to make it look more impressive. Today's idea.

This pics has some effects on it to make it look more impressive. Today’s idea.

And without effects.

And without effects. Eyeshadow probably ruins it, I know.

Sorry some bad quality web cam pics.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

11 things no one ever told me about.

I’m terribly sorry, I’ve been away for too long. Guitar contest was enough important event that took away five of my free days and in other days it feels like school just sucks out all my inspiration for writing. But here I am and this is a small list of things that no one told me ever. First two are about starting to live alone, others are just random.

  1. Clogged toilet = wtf I should do now? Damn. This is one of the worst things ever while living alone if you’ve never ever in your life experienced this and no one ever told you what to do. And the situation is even worse, if you don’t have that thing with what you could unclog it. I just used some cleanser that is specially for cleaning of sinks and toilets. It worked very well.
  2. Loosing credit card is scary as f. Especially if your parents live too far away to bring you some money and you have to live with 8 euros for three days, which isn’t really enough for me because normal dinner in school’s buffet costs at least 3 euros.
  3. If you’re texting a guy, talking to him, laughing about his jokes, it always means that you have a crush on him. That’s what most people think but it isn’t true at all. Maybe I just like you as a friend. How could you know??
  4. Art of trying to not be judgemental is such an awesome thing. Stop bitching about girls, who you think dress slutty, homosexual people, who kiss in public places and etc. You don’t like to be judged about who you are, right? So why you should you judge others?
  5. If you’ve already had a sex and you’re not married, you aren’t a slut AND being a virgin is okay, too.  Yeah. If you already had sex and you’re not married, that doesn’t mean you’re dirty whore. If you’re sixteen and never had sex, doesn’t mean you’re a frigid. This is 21st century and our sex life should be only ours and our sex partner’s  business. End of the story. No one can judge you because you have had or have never had sex.
  6. Teacher’s pets are really THAT annoying. It’s true. It’s great that you’re smart but if you’re always trying to “get in teacher’s ass” (ugh, in English this doesn’t sound as good as in Latvian), that’s annoying. Stop reminding that we had a homework every time and saying that we should know what our grades in the last test are. Bitch, I know you’re having A+ but I don’t want to hear about my D. 
  7. Just because I need some more time to learn that other’s, doesn’t mean that I’m dumb. I’ve been reading this cool book and I realized that introverts need more time to think than extroverts. That’s okay because introverts see more details and they often see things differently.
  8. If you’re thirteen and still can’t swim, it doesn’t mean that you will never learn how to do it. I learned to swim when I was thirteen, I think. For many years my parents tried to teach me, how to do it but I always failed. I just end up being afraid of learning to swim.Then one day it just happened out of nowhere.
  9. There will be a day, when you will find that one person with who you can talk about dreams, matter of life, death and annetc. I’m talking about phylosophic conversations. They are the best kind.
  10. My bff would let some guy ruin our friendship so they could be together. This is the biggest “no one ever told me” ever. I’m pissed about this for months and I don’t think it will ever go away. Bitch. 
  11. Sexism. I never knew what that really was and that it is actually really visible and bad. Both sexes should be equal. Woman deserve the same things as men do. We are not your sex toys. We weren’t made for men but for living our lives the way we want.

P.S. Laci Green is just perfect, isn’t she? She is so right about all this! <3

That’s all for now, dear people. :)

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Sexism, eating disorders and powerless woman as ideal woman in 21st century.

All my life I’ve heard that men are stronger, more important than women in this world and women should be just mother, quiet and polite person, who has no career achievements. You know what? I’m sick and tired of hearing this bullshit. Sick of seeing how much pressure are put on women, how much they are judged and put down. We don’t deserve this, okay?! My mum always said that man is the most important in family and every other sphere of life, which, in my opinion, means that woman is just powerless creature, who has to be in perfect shape, dress not too slutty but also not too prude, raise children, cook and say goodbyes to her career just because she’s a woman. All she does has to be approved from man. We often are told all this shit like we’d be born just to please men. Isn’t that unfair?

First – beauty standards. Everywhere we can read and hear, how important is to be ourselves but at the same time everyone is trying to put us down, saying that the way we are trying to be ourselves, isn’t the right way of doing it. Like, what the fuck?

It goes like this:

Society (mostly men): “Just be yourself, do what you want to do, love yourself and everyone else will love you then.”

Woman: *dresses the way she wants, puts her career in first place and doesn’t suit society’s beauty standards*

Society (mostly men): “Oh no, you’re not doing it right. You should be size 2, raise at least two children and stay at home to cook and wash laundry. But  still, you can be yourself, okay?”

Why? Why do we always have to do as men want? We were born like independent creatures not like some additive to men. Why do we got paid less for the same job? Why do we get slut shamed for having sex? Why do we get shamed if we never had sex? Why do we get bullied because or weight, size, having too big breasts or not having them at all? It’s the most unfair thing in the world. It’s sexism.

And what about rape? When a woman gets raped, there are always bunch of people, who says: “Oh, it’s her fault, she dresses to provacative and acts like that.” Seriously? It’s not our fault that men can’t stop their cravings. I’m not saying that walking down the street half naked is okay but doing something to someone against her/his will is much more than not okay.

Next – eating disorders. There are still too much females, especially young teenage girls, who think that being thin, having visible collar bones, ribs and tigh gap is sexy. They think, if they’ll have it all, they will be loved more. One thing, that men should never ever do is joke about women’s looks and weight. This goes especially to teenage boys from thirteen to eighteen. These phrases about being fat, ugly and disgusting have traumatized me, too in my first school. There was a time, when I started to eat less just because I was tired of hearing that. I didn’t want to be ugly anymore. I just wanted to be liked. Thanks to my parents, I got over that before it could become really bad. So here’s a question, to all you, women, who think that skinny is beautiful: “Don’t you realize that men just want to see us weak? That they want us to become “perfect” dolls that do everything they want us to?” Don’t be that silly girl, who believes that skinny is beautiful and great. Skinny is weak, skinny is powerless. Do you want to be weak, to make no change to this world? Do you want to live this life without no meaning, just wasting it? Wake up, open your eyes – you are beautiful the way you are. Who cares if you have stretch marks, scars or no thigh gap? Than stronger you’ll become, than more beautiful you will feel. And I’m talking not only about how strong is your body but also how strong is your mind. I hope, you get my point about this small topic.

And the last one – is really shy, quiet, pliable women is the woman, who should live in 21st century? I don’t think so. First, that feeling, when you’re really shy and can say nothing of what you think, sucks a lot. Also, being comanded by someone and not doing what you want, sucks, too. This is 21st century. We need to learn to speak up for ourselves, to say “no” without shame, to say what we want in our lives. I believe that women deserve the same rights as men do. We all are human, we all deserve equality. We shouldn’t be put down because of our gendre.

What I’m trying to say is not that women are better than men or opposite but that we deserve equal rights, we deserve to choose career not family (or opposite) and not being blamed for out choices. We deserve to dress, how we want, we deserve to not believe silly stereotypes about “perfect” body and believe them but love our own bodies the way they are. If you don’t like something in yourself, you change it for the best but don’t forget to love and be thankful for what you already have. 

P.S. Woah, that was probably really feminist – like. :D Men, I’m not putting you down, just saying that you should respect women as much as you respect yourself and other men. We all are amazing, let’s just love ourselves and everyone else. Peace to the world!

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

“In Your Eyes” movie review.

Oh wow! *In Casssie’s from TV show “Skins” voice* This is second post today and it second movie review today also. What can I say? I’m home alone and I love to watch movies so that’s what I do. Lately I’m into drama’s and romantic comedies and this one is a mix of both but with good ending.

I’ve never saw main characters’ actors’ in other movies but in this one they were totally brilliant. This was very unusual love story because that doesn’t happen in real life – that you can feel and hear other person and be in his skin for real. But… this movie wasn’t boring at all and it made me so emotional, I just couldn’t hold my tears in. And if you’re being down for days because of someone you’re in love, this is probably the best movie to watch, if you really want to cry your eyes out.

Watching this, I was just thinking, how beautiful and painful at the same time is that moment, when you’re having really deep connection with someone. Love’s the best thing that has given to us in life, even though it can ruin us completely. And I start to understand, how it is to love someone, really love not only have crush on. I had this feeling once in my life time just one and a half months ago. It ruined me but I’m picking up all the pieces and trying to get better. Like they say – what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. Oh, whatever, I’m a little out of topic. So if you’re alone your love is not answered my this special person or if you’re in a happy relationship, you need to see it.

Here’s the link:

And the trailer:

Good night, xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

“Premature” movie review and some thoughts about relationships.

Okay, when I saw the movie trailer, I was waiting for another one shitty American comedy movie about teens, where some guy, who’s quiet a loser, tries to get the girl he likes in bed. There are probably at least more than 10 movies that are made with this plot, if not more and that sucks. I hate spending my time, watching 90 minutes long movie where all the goal of main character is to have sex or lose his/her virginity. Most of those movies just suck because there’s no other things they would thought me.

Even though the beginning of this movie looked pretty lame, I turned out to like it. Jokes were a little dumb, yeah but the ending was totally cute. After this I can just think – if something is meant to happen, it will, sooner or later. We just gotta keep our eyes open and try to figure out when the right moment is. Even if you make a mistake, if you’re meant to be together with someone, you’ll have another chance in life. At least that’s what happened in this movie and I believe that it will happen in my life, too. That one day, one moment – BAM – I will realize that I’m in the right place with the right person and it’s all that matters. I doesn’t mean that if people fuck up something in a relationship, it’s not worth it and it’s totally wrong. No. We just need to follow or senses and do what feels right.

Okay, that’s all for now. Here’s where I watched it:

And here’s the trailer:

Maybe I have bad taste for movies but I liked it and I give it 8/10 .

That’s all for now! :)

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Learning to love myself.

I just can’t help but love staying up late at night. That’s the time when I have the most energy and the most creative ideas come to my mind. If I had a right to choose, how to plan my day, I’d wake up at 8 p.m. or so and go to bed at 7 or 8 a.m. I don’t know, how that could be but my sleep is always much better in daytime. Whatever. I came here to write few words about loving myself.

How it is even possible to do it? To love yourself with all that sarcastic bitch side and big butt? I lived all my life blaming myself for not being perfect, not being a person everyone wants me to be. And, believe me, I tried hard to be what I thought everyone wants me to be. I bleached ends of my hair, I wore much make up, I ate less and exercised more. I was judging myself even more than models are judged. I wanted to create perfect me with no minuses. I kinda wanted to be like a doll. I tried more and more for many years. I desperately waited for moment everyone would like me for who I am, smile at me and talk to me. That moment never came and became more and more disappointed. The most simple truth is – do what you want, be who you want. There is no way to be perfect for all. People will always judge no matter what you do, so you can do what you want. Actually is terrible, how much pressure young girls have from society and a lot (at least from my experience) comes from teenage boys in their age, too. Immature boys want to see skinny doll with big breasts, perfect face and perfect everything near them. But here’s the thing – than more we try to be something that we’re not, than more we lose all unique parts of our looks and personality. It’s like painting Mona Lisa’s hair blonde and painting on her black cocktail dress. Maybe it’s not the best example but you get the point.

I think, we are living our lives to become better ourselves not to change everything we have. Stop making different person from yourself. Okay, maybe you really are sarcastic bitch but in some life moments it can even be good. Maybe you have that big butt but at least that beautiful dress looks on you much better than on skinny girls. Start loving your imperfections because they make you unique. It would be terrible to be just like everyone else, right? It’s like coming into a store and seeing there are only pineapples. But what if someone wants apples better? What I am trying to say is – life would suck without choices, without differences.

Here’s what I want to say to all dumb teenage boys, who keep saying that normal size girls around them are fat. Seriously, stop that shit. It hurts like hell, I know it.

Now forgive me for my after midnight weirdness, I’m probably writing some things too weird. Time to go to bed for me, I still have to get up early tomorrow.

P.S. I’m still a fan of doll like looks. Some of them.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Quote no 2. by me

Being able to feel is the biggest blessing and curse in human’s life at the same time.

/Porcelain Doll/


Porcelain Doll.

Workout update

Hey! First, I should apologize to you for not posting a thing such a long time. Second, I apologize to all, who were waiting me to post something about workouts and all stuff but that didn’t happen for such a long time.

After almost two years of doing some exercises and making my body look better, I admit that I’m still sometimes super lazy. There are those days when I come home from school and I feel exhausted, sick of some people bullshit or just disappointed about not having good grades. And then I just take some snacks, lay in my bed and watch “Skins” – episode after episode. Honestly – that’s what I do because I’m tired of doing everything else. I’m sick of school, sick of some people and sick of others’ expectations for me that are way too high. Now I can say that I’m ashamed about myself being so lazy. Skipping workouts also makes me feel depressed. No energy, headaches and sleepiness makes me feel sad and hopeless.

Here’s what I decided – I will stop being lazy and weak, I will workout every day no matter what. I don’t want to go back to days when everyone laughed about me and called me fat even though I wasn’t really like that. I don’t want to feel ashamed of my body wearing a swimsuit or not wearing anything. I don’t want to feel weak in P.E. lessons like I felt two years ago. I won’t give up, I will try harder.

Greatest thing about working out – it gives not only confidence and great looks but also energy and makes you realize that you are much stronger than you think you are. Working through the pain is worth it. Than longer time passes since I started doing it, than worse I feel if I skip a workout. It becomes as natural as breathing, sleeping… everything. From weak girl, who hates P.E. lessons and her body, during two years I have become much stronger young woman and I start to love some sports. Nothing compares to that feeling, when you’re covered in sweat, your muscles hurt, you’re a little out of breath but happy because you pushed harder than you ever did and became a little stronger than you were yesterday, week ago or a year ago.

What I did today? Probably to all of you it doesn’t look like something big but first time in my life I did wall sit for 3 and a half minutes and side planks for 2 and a half minutes each side. And I’m happy about myself because a little still is much better than nothing.

To everyone who’s being ashamed of him-/herself, about being weak and not having great body – start now. For about year or year and a half it might be difficult to push yourself to do it but later it will be one of the most wonderful parts of your life. To have something, you need to give something. I hope you all understand, what I was trying to say with this.

P.S. Catch some inspiration.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

Right time for letting go…

Isn’t it weird, how you try to forget someone that makes you cry but you can’t? Well, I tried to forget the guy I had a huge crush on for almost a year. I couldn’t. Every time I tried to do it, I felt like someone’s trying to rip my heart out and smash it.

It went like this: I feel bad because of him -> I try to forget him and ignore him -> I feel even worse.

I tried to figure out, why it is like that and I realized that maybe there’s right time for everything, for letting people go away from your life, too. In that evening when I red all those hurtful text messages, I cried a lot and I thought, I will never stop. I thought, I will cut my wrist until I’ll be done. I thought, I’ll never will breath again without him. Even though he hurt me, we had so many great memories. Or maybe it’s just what I thought because I have this stupid habit to idealize past and all the memories. Maybe it was all in my head and all this time he was that idiot I realized he is only few weeks ago. Sometimes I’m just afraid to move on. Aren’t we all?

One more thing that we’ve heard a lot – people come in our lives to teach us a lesson. Here’s 3 things that he have thought me:

  1. Don’t cut. Yell, hit something, do what you want, just don’t cut. (I’m clean since the beginning of July 2014.)
  2. Speak out whatever comes to your mind. Worst thing in a convo you can say is: “I have nothing to say.”
  3. How to feel free with guys in general.

So here’s a little tip for You, If You can’t let go someone – wait for the right time. You will fail many times but then one time you will finally succeed. You will cry for a while, want to apologize for everything but then in one moment You will calm down. You will understand that now it will be better. This person won’t make you feel bad anymore and in the future You’ll meet someone better, someone, who really deserves You.

Looking at this list, I can say that #1, #2, #3, #4, #6, #7, #8, #9, #11 is what totally happened. Not from the very start but in some moment it just appeared. Don’t make the same mistakes as I did. Leave as soon as possible.

We all are much stronger than we think, don’t forget that. And the person, who is really The One for You, won’t try to ruin You.

xoxo, Porcelain Doll.

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